Friday, December 30, 2005


Ups and Downs - Gladiator style

Today we take off the kid gloves and engage in the gladiatorial exercise of pitting various Celtics players against each other in a battle for our affections via the up and down meter. This might be unfair and unnecessary, but times are grim and we need some guidance at year’s end to tell us who we should spare and who should receive no mercy. Happy New Year? Not if you haven’t earned it, fucker.

Paul Pierce – UP
Ricky Davis – DOWN

This one was tough, but the up and down meter stands by it. Ricky is in danger of devolving into a creature of statistics, while Pierce, who has always been a great compiler, has actually begun to understand the team concept and the fact that it might not entail him constantly touching the ball. Perhaps that’s an overstatement, but there’s no doubt that he’s been a good soldier and has elevated his game to a level that makes us all a little less embarrassed to defend him when discussing the sport with fans of teams that don’t suck. In other words, he’s getting his 26 and not looking like a selfish, miserable fuck in the process. Ricky is having a career year, but it’s starting to get lost in the background noise of this depressing season. Too many questions abound about his game – isn’t he more effective off the bench? Doesn’t he turn the ball over a lot trying to showboat? Why is this pure scorer being relied upon as a playmaker? In both cases, however, we must ask ourselves – what does it mean when two legitimate NBA stars have simultaneous career years on a team destined to finish in the middle of the lottery?

Kendrick Perkins – UP
Al Jefferson – DOWN

Al Jefferson, the last hope of the Kool-aid crew, has been exposed this year as an inconsistent and kind of dumb big man with serious intensity and focus issues, who is not yet strong enough to hold his own against big-time NBA rebounding monsters. He looks more and more like a guy who will make a nice starting NBA player some day, rather than the franchise savior. Perk, on the other hand, has gone from almost nil expectation to being one of the two nominees for Celtics “story of the year.” Even this reporter, who once famously stated that Perk would never be a starting NBA center, has been happy to watch him blossom into almost that (note - he still wouldn’t start on a winning team). His numbers do not always tell the story, but we have seen that good things tend to happen with Perk on the floor, and only a total moron like Doc Rivers would crimp his minutes in favor of Mark Blount.

Marcus Banks – UP
Delonte West – DOWN

Delonte is what he is – a nice hustle player who is not big enough to play his natural position, and not quick or creative enough to become a great playmaker. He’s one of the most likeable players on the team, simply because he plays hard and has a strange sense of humor, but he’s highly expendable and his impact on the game as a starter probably isn’t much different then if he languished on the bench. To wit – he has had a great statistical December, but the team still wilted around him. Marcus on the other hand, had the mind-bending prescience to break his shin during a time when it was becoming abundantly clear that his would-be-successors (DWest, Greene, Dickau) were all wildly over-rated, if not flat out disasters. He remains the same clueless yet monstrously speedy player of yore, but Marcus and his court-un-awareness are now good for a guaranteed 15 minutes a night, playing under a coach who hates him.

A Doorknob – UP
Doc Rivers – DOWN

Even the most Kool-aid drinkin’ Celticsblog message-boardin’ apologists have caught on to this. Enough said.

Mark Blount – UP
Raef LaFrentz – DOWN

This would be a shocking result if you’d asked this question at the beginning of the season, but sure enough old Mork has transformed himself from “utterly useless fuckhead with bad hands” into a bizarre 7 foot tall mid-range jump-shooting specialist. For a guy who earned the constant verbal felatio of Jim O’Brien due to his supposedly priceless contributions to team defense, his rebirth as a pure creature of offense is a stunning development, particularly when you consider that he’s subsequently degenerated into probably the worst man-to-man defender on the team. Raef, on the other hand, has slumped terribly since his career night against Houston and is looking more an more like a big white logjam taking valuable minutes away from Perk and Jefferson. Just call him Raef LaHamcock.

Justin Reed – UP
Ryan Gomes – DOWN

We’re all big fans of Ryan Gomes here at CelticsDoom, but it’s becoming quite clear that he is at best an average NBA player who is too small to play his natural position. In short – a typical 2nd round pick. Or better yet, Donny Marshall. Justin Reed on the other hand, perhaps one of the dumbest players ever attempt to play offense on a basketball court, is now buried on the bench and earning the hollow sympathy of desperate fans who want to believe he’s a pocket Ron Artest. Why is he an UP then? Because both of these guys depress me, but it’s a lot of fun to say Justin “Can’t” Reed.

Hemorrhoids – UP
Brian Scalabrine – DOWN

I have come to believe that I prefer experiencing the former to watching the latter. Thankfully Tommy never got a chance to latch onto this idiot, so we don’t have the kind of embarrassing fan-phenomenon that kept Waltah viable for waaaaaaaaaaay too long, but my God, this might be the worst free-agent signing/PR disaster since Bobby Bonilla went to the Mets. Hemorrhoids, on the other hand, at least provide fertile comedic grounds for many highly regarded CelticsDoom commentators.

Missing out on Chris Paul - UP
Missing out on Tim Duncan – DOWN

Tired of friends, relatives and co-workers rolling their eyes every time you bitch about 1997? No problem. Forget the nagging pain of being fucked over eight years ago in the draft lottery, now you can become enraged over the fact that Paul Pierce completely fucked over our future just six months ago! Yes, Partyboy Paul nixed a trade that would have sent the then-disgruntled forward to Portland for Nick Van Exel’s expiring deal and a pick that would become probable future all-NBA point guard Chris Paul. Let’s face facts – Pitino would have traded Duncan for Nazr Mohammad within three months anyway. But Chris Paul leading a team of Al Jefferson, RickyD, Perk, Gomes, and, uhh, all our other good players? That’s… I mean… that’s like .500 ball!

Brokeback Mountain jokes – UP
Talking about the Celtics – DOWN

Any arguments here?

Pierce Overrated – UP
Dr. Chestnutt – DOWN

Sure, I do most of the writing, but I’m always kind of wishy-washy when it comes to holding long-term grudges with people I have never met. PO though? He’s hardcore. An unapologetic Pierce-hater and CelticsBlog scourge, he watches Celtics games with an eye as cruel as an elephant hunter, perpetually fantasizing about filling the squad with UConn alumni and dreaming of trading Paul Pierce to Toronto, just to spite him and Hagrid. This is the kind of fan that Wyc and Danny deserve – harsh, demanding and unrelenting. Glad yr on my side dude.

To all you sick fucks (all of whom earn a big time UP) who make this blog a fun thing to do, have a nice New Year, and we’ll see you in 2006.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


Hopeless in Seattle

HARTFORD, CT - Reeling from a post-Holiday celebration which allegedly included prodigious amounts of caffinated drink and repeated viewings of E! Television’s “The Soup,” Boston Celtics media gadfly Dr. Chestnutt (sic) was located today passed out in his living room beneath a pile of discarded all-natural potato chip bags, unused wrapping paper and many dozens of Criterion DVD sleeves.

“I didn’t fuckin' watch the whole game, man,” Chestnutt muttered to the authorities while escorted out of his apartment to the street below. “I… I fuckin' have to work in the morning.”

Authorities were initially unclear as to the meaning of his incoherent rant (“it’s not a FUCKING RANT!” he shouted for some still unknown reason), but upon further review have come to understand that Chestnutt was referring to his failure to provide a “recap” of the previous evening’s Celtics game for his CelticsDoom blog. These same authorities believe the game was classic fodder for the much maligned blog, wherein the struggling franchise dropped a winnable game to a weak Seattle Supersonics team, undoubtedly precipitating a string of similar disappointing losses during their west-coast road swing.

Although he claimed to have missed the final quarter due to falling asleep on his couch, Chestnutt was questioned by these authorities as to why he believed the Celtics lost the game.

“Fuckin'… I don’t know man, they couldn’t rebound, at least while I was watching… Ricky turned the ball over a lot, I think he must of played 10,000 minutes last night… I missed the 4th quarter, so who fucking knows… once they got down nine I knew it was over and I just fucking fell asleep. Too tired, very long weekend. Late games, fuck it. You don’t understand, I have to live in fear of my phone ringing…” (???)

Chestnutt was then loaded into a waiting car and had his new iPod temporarily confiscated while authorities continued to question him about the game during the drive to his place of employment. Below are some of the key quotes from this interview:

“Fuck man, if we’re going to make Reggie Evans look like an all-star, why the fuck should I stay up watching the game, let alone write about it?”

“Paul Pierce is officially Ray Allen-east. Kind of. That’s not a compliment.”

“Brian Scalabrine is so bad that Yahoo spares him the embarrassment of putting him in their box score.”

“I used to think that if you combined Marcus Bank’s strengths with Delonte West’s strengths, you’d maybe have a decent NBA starting point guard. Now I know you wouldn’t even have Flip Murray.”

As the Doctor stumbled towards the entrance of the hospital with the intention of operating on some poor fuck who probably doesn’t even watch basketball, he was surrounded by a cadre of local reporters (and regional affiliates) who were desperate for substantial Celtics media commentary.

“Doctor! Doctor! Mr. Chesnutter (sic)!” one brave reporter shouted, “Any thoughts on the Get Buckets Brigade/ merger?”

“It means there’s one less blog people will read more than ours," said Chestnutt with a not-alltogether-unhappy smirk.

“What happened to PO? Or Jerky, or whatever the fuck his name is?” asked another, thrusting a microphone in his face.

“He’s stuck with his wife and kid for some holiday bullshit,” Chestnutt answered with a thoughtfully grim expression. “The last thing he needs is to watch the late-night death rattle of this Boston Celtics team. That would kill what little hope he has left.”

“But the Hamcock? What about the Hamcock? Don’t you owe it to Celtics fans everywhere to assess individual blame after embarrassing losses?”

Chestnutt stood thoughtfully and rubbed his eyes with his palms.

“Give the Hamcock to Al Jefferson,” he finally stated, “Fuckin' guy looked like Danny Fortson’s bitch out there."

He departed into the hospital and promised to never do one of these again.

"I may not guarentee that I'll stay up till 1 in the morning watching us lose to Golden State, but fuck it, I'll at least spare you this kind of stupid creative writing exercise," he added.

Friday, December 23, 2005


Boo who?

What follows is a quasi-literary attempt to explain the problem of feeling sorry for Brian Scalabrine. It is rather long, but we have a few days off and barring a trade, I don’t really know what else to write about.

By the way, Happy Fucking Holidays.

Intro – Vulgarity connotes true feeling

Poor Brian Scalabrine. He signs a $15 million, 5 year contract, contributes squat on the court, and now he’s crying to the press about the fans booing him. Fuck this guy. Fuck him fuck him fuck him.

Part I – Me, me, me

I could use some time off, seriously, like a good year where I don’t have to work and can just focus on writing. I find that real life exhausts me, and the need to earn a living through doctor-ing is enemy number one to my creative instrument.

I wish I could join a consortium of writers who would provide me with a good wage and would allow me to do nothing during the year but write. Maybe do a little volunteer work, but for the most part, just writing. Ideally, they would guarantee me 5 full years wherein I could write and earn enough money to not only live comfortably on, but I could take and invest wisely and never have to work again for the rest of my life.

Q: Would I have the right to be upset if the group of generous readers who funded the writing consortium chose to voice their displeasure when my work turned out to be sub par?

A: Duh… no.

Part II – The Metaphor become the Point

I believe that I’m at least as good a writer as Brian Scalabrine is a professional basketball player. Certainly I’m not in the rarified company of the Jordan-esque David Foster Wallace, or the up and coming Jason Richardson-type of Matt Taibbi or even the Sports Guy with his Nick Van Exel career arc. Admittedly, I am at best a Ricky Davis – a polarizing figure that many people will always think sucks and wouldn’t want on their team, but who some believe can fill a niche in the right situation.

But no matter how good or bad I am, it is a simple fact that if I were paid to write I would be expected to produce something for an audience. An audience that, almost by definition, will judge what I put in front of them. And I know from painful experience that when you put something out there for public consumption, be it writing, artwork, political opinions, or yes, a performance on the basketball court, the response can be callous and cruel. It goes with the territory.

My point is this – Brian Scalabrine is making a fuckload of money that you and me (not to mention the good people at Accountemps) have paid for with ticket purchases and the expenditure of valuable free time. Thus, a certain degree of expectation is reasonably indentured between him and the fan base. He believes that he does enough of the “little things” to fulfill his obligation to the fans, and thus, earn their admiration. The implication is that anyone who does not appreciate what Brian Scalabrine brings to the floor is a sorehead, a basketball novice or a drunken TD Banknorth "Garden" jerk.

Sadly for Brian, it would be laudable to hide behind the “I do all the little things” argument if we had a winning team or if the Celtics were any better when he was on the floor, but neither of these are the case. Worse, to the average basketball fan, Brian fails on the court in every conceivable sense – shooting, passing, rebounding, defense, and the basic aesthetic pleasure of watching an athlete in motion. The last may seem petty or dumb, but for those who devote hours of their time watching a mediocre basketball team, they at least want some athleticism and grace on the court. Watching Brian’s awkward, hyper-enthusiastic and ultimately ineffective style of play is often a headache within the greater migraine.

The truth is, if Scalabrine actually provided all of these “intangibles” and the Celtics were a 2nd round playoff team, most of us would probably be more accepting. A large percentage of Celtics fans (not me, admittedly) did just that for years with Walter McCarty. But Scalabrine has the misfortune of being the worst player on a bad team, a player whose “contributions” are vague and mostly related to us via snake-oil salesmanship from Ainge and Doc Rivers. Rightly or wrongly, it is tough to grow fond of this kind of player when you see guys like Gomes, Jefferson and Perk losing minutes to him.

Part III – On the Nature of Displeasure

If I were at a Celtics game I would probably not boo Brian Scalabrine, simply because I find it difficult to hurl invective from anything other than afar. And by “afar” I mean, not in the same zip code. If I knew Brian Scalabrine read this blog I’d probably feel a little bad about the things I’ve said about him. It is not in my nature, necessarily, to hurt people’s feelings, even when I feel they deserve it.

While it is true that a fan voicing their displeasure through booing is somewhat analogous to voting in a dictatorship, it is really the only thing you can do to make the leaders know how unhappy you are. When Antoine Walker was mercilessly booed by Celtics fans during a bad stretch in 1999, it was as much a comment on Rick Pitino’s grotesque vision of what professional basketball looks like as it was with their misgivings over Antoine’s play.

When the fans boo Brian Scalabrine, I really believe it is because they are fed up with the double-talk they get out of the Wyc/Ainge/Doc triumvirate that wants us to trust them that we are competing for, uhh, something, while also “developing the youth.” The presence of Brian Scalabrine on the basketball court indicates that neither is the case. Instead, we come to believe that we have been subjected to yet another penny-wise, pound foolish management decision that has been the hallmark of the Ainge era.

We call this era, the era of the mixed message.

Part IV – Dear Mixed Message, “fuck you,” love, CelticsDoom

Message 1 – “We are rebuilding while remaining competitive” - translation: instead of totally sucking, we always just kinda-suck. We dick around for 82 games a year, get our asses handed to us in the playoffs, and annually re-populate our roster with late 1st round picks and 2nd round “steals.”

Message 2 – “We are committed to developing our young players alongside the veterans” – translation: don’t worry, you’ll see Ricky dunk and Pierce get his 26, and maybe every now and then some young guy who’s only known outside the Boston area by a few roto-obsessives will drop 20 in a loss. Fine, but in the course of “developing” these players, we sign a guy with limited skills to a five-year deal who only adds to an existing logjam at the very positions where we have young players we want to develop (3 and the 4). Every minute Scalabrine spends on the floor is a minute that we cannot give to Jefferson, Perk, Gomes, Gerald Green, Tony Allen (if he ever gets healthy) or Justin Reed. We already have major minutes being soaked up by established players who have proven they cannot consistently win together (PP, RD, RL, MB), but in Doc’s highly political/personal locker room, only certain young players get time. (Watch how much Scalabrine plays now that he’s been booed. I bet Doc will put him out there 15 minutes a game on the road, just to prove some unknowable point)

Message 3 – “We will settle for nothing less than Banner 17” – translation: Ownership will lie to itself as callously as it does to its fanbase. It will assemble a group of corporate investors who know nothing about basketball and hire the one Celtic “legend” they can find who speaks their language to run the basketball operations. They will establish a calculus of success based on the following – 1) the presence of marketable players, 2) a win/loss record tolerable to the fanbase (ie – playoff appearances, after all, we have the Celtics mystique to maintain), and 3) a league average salary structure that will not contrast too poorly with their mediocre record. These three factors will be used together to form the illusion of constant “progress.” This plan contains within it the excuses for failure (“youth and inexperience”), a low enough yearly standard that it can be obtained or at worst just barely missed, and plenty of “promise down the road” that broadcasters can use to convince their audience that what they’ve just seen is not as hopeless as it appears. And when people don’t fill the seats, ownership can always appeal to the lowest common denominator with the promise of tits and ass from a future cheerleading squad and drown out the spectacle on the court with a sensory oblivion of product promotion throughout the game.

Part V – Conclusion – aka “Dr. Chestnutt vs. Dr. Niedangle”

Most NBA franchises have no hope of winning an NBA title within the next 20 years, and many of them do not particularly care. These are the teams that simply try to keep enough fans in the stands to be profitable while putting a team on the court that meets the lowest positive expectation these fans hold. To name a few - the Raptors, the Magic, the Wizards, the Warriors, the Sonics, the Nets (for now), and yes, the Celtics. They all have varying degrees of success, but they all have one thing in common – they are built to entertain, and not to win championships.

Since 1996, the Celtics have not had the stomach to engage in a true rebuilding process, one which would require a commitment to purge their roster and build through lottery picks. Granted, this process holds no guarantee of getting a title, but it’s the surest road, and it is a process that fans can endure if they see it pay realistic dividends. On the other hand, the surest way to erode your fanbase is to subject them to years of .500 ball with semi-stars and crappy “hustle players” and diminish your own credibility as an organization by claiming that this is all leading somewhere.

It is foolish to blame the Celtics' mediocrity on Brian Scalabrine, and that is not the point of this story or of the fans who boo him. The point is that he is a poster-boy for the frustrations Celtics fans have living in the limbo of NBA mediocrity with only the slightest promise for the future. It is the frustration of a fan base that feels it is not only taken for granted and lied to, but that this is being done by owners who have a vested self-interest in making us think that better times are ahead, without actually doing anything to make the times ahead of us any better. It is the frustration of being told that we have a bench full of “steals” and “potential all-stars” but then turning on the television and seeing the New Jersey Nets former 12th man playing in front of them. It is the frustration many of us feel when we read about “the Brain Doctor” and “the power 3” and “great practices” and “the vision” and know that it’s all a bunch of shit being generated at the point of failure, designed to make us believe that we have a mighty fine ship here and only an impatient cynic would dare claim that it’s sinking. Well guess what?


Wednesday, December 21, 2005


U-taint going to lose to Utah

The Celtics continued their romp through a murderer's row of road-tripping mediocre Western Conference teams, and finally put together their first back to back wins of the season taking down the underwhelming Jazz. Of course, tonight's Jazz team happened to be missing Andrei Kirilenko, but we were short one Mr. Dan Dickau, so it pretty much evened out.

I missed lots of the game tonight due to a brutal phone call schedule and a fool's mission to a local mall, but from what I saw, the Celtics were very good when Perk and/or Jefferson were on the floor, and shaky when they couldn't count on their rebounding. When the Jazz turned up their intensity in the 4th quarter, Blount was a hapless dupe on the boards and things started to get dicey, score-wise. Thankfully Pierce hit all his shots in the last few minutes and everyone went home feeling like this team won't necessarily be subject to a fire sale the minute Ainge convinces himself that Rudy Gay is a franchise player.

Player wise, Delonte had a solid effort, albeit one destined to be hyped to death by his cadre of true believers in Celtics Nation. Pierce had monstrous numbers, but his shooting looked iffy until the 4th quarter.

On a lighter note, Scalaburine came into the game in the 3rd and was booed mercilessly when he bricked a couple three pointers, proving that the difference between one city's "clumsy honky crowd favorite" and another's "vilified spite magnet" is around $16 million. Pity is for the weak and Brian is a very, very rich man, so I refuse to give two fucks that he looked as if he were about to cry.

Player of the Game - Marcus Banks. Pierce's numbers were great but I'm giving it to Marcus simply because he's out there trying as hard as he can to stick it up Doc's ass, and that is the kind of frustration that unites us all. 4 points 2 assists - sure, not very impressive. But the guy probably goes home every night praying for the opportunity to kick his coach in the nuts whilst wearing very heavy boots, and that is the kind of attitude that needs to be rewarded. Yes Marcus, it's official, we hate Doc more than we hate you.

Hamcock - None. I cannot in good conscience award the Hamcock simply by looking at the box score (Raef) on a night when I missed over 50% of the game (Raef). I am not one of those fuckheads who makes blind decisions without having my facts straight (Raef). Raef, by the way, is "fear" spelled backwards. What the fuck is up with that?

Quote of the Night - "I always thought he'd make a great Celtic," Mike Gorman on the topic of Matt Harpring. It's getting to the point that every white player in the league not named Jason Williams is lavished with this "praise" by lazy broadcasters, bloggers and assorted opinion mongers. Please, enough. This is a franchise that lived through Marc Acres, Brad Lohaus and Connor Henry, and currently endures Raef LaFrentz and Brian Scalabrine. The painful truth is that there are a great many white players who hustle and still make godawful Celtics.

Monday, December 19, 2005


Golden (State) Showers

It was that rarity of all rarities - an enjoyable, well paced basketball contest that ended with the Celtics scoring more points than their opponent. Granted, it see-sawed back and forth because the Celtics lapsed into some bad habits on offense in the 3rd quarter, but they managed to keep their shit together and stopped the Warriors (and an extremely pissed off Baron Davis) from ruining yet another evening out for several dozen greater-Boston residents.

Some quick notes about the Golden State Warriors, who I cannot believe are doing well this season:
1) Baron Davis, as mentioned, was so goddamn annoyed with the world tonight (culminating in a totally needless takedown of Raef LaFrentz), it made me wonder how we would have treated him if Danny had traded for him. Although his pre-game interview (see below), suggested the communication skills of Bernie Bickerstaff after many bottles of cough syrup, I think he'd have turned into a CelticsDoom favorite simply because the fanboys wouldn't have known what to make of him.
2) Troy Murphy looks worse and worse to me every year. Not in that he resembles an even uglier Nicholas Cage, but the two games a year I see him play he seems soft and really not worth the huge money he's getting for the next 6 years. He had a monster night tonight (27/12), yet I wouldn't want him on my team. Maybe it's just me.
3) Golden State possibly have a worse salary structure than the Celtics, which is truly remarkable. $26 million in 2008/2009 to Foyle, Fisher and Murphy. Ouch.

Anyway, the second quarter of this game had the most interesting developments, with a lineup of Ricky, Jefferson, Orien, Gomes and LaFrentz taking the game over and racking up a double digit lead. They fed the ball to Jefferson on nearly ever possession, and he responded with 10/5 in that quarter alone. The optimistic among us could point to this quarter as containing the blueprint for a successful season - run, throw it to Al, rebound. The pessimists among us could say that these good things happened against the 2nd unit of a tired Golden State Warriors squad, and anyway for some reason we pretty much could do no wrong tonight so don't expect it to every happen again.

The other encouraging news of the evening was that Doc kept the rotation short and sane. No Scalaburine or Reed, but lots of Gomes (5/8), Jefferson, Orien and Marcus. He still inexplicably benched Perk the entire 4th quarter, but Raef played effectively and (God help me) Blount did as well, so heavy things at CelticsDoom HQ were not tossed in the vicinity of the television. Also, Golden State were rebounding like they had 5 Walter McCarty's on the floor, so we could live with our pair of 7 foot pussies.

Speaking of living with a pair of 7 foot pussies, I am of the mind to tell a joke about having sex with a WNBA team, but outside of the punchline "and she thought she had a small cock!" I can't make up the rest.

Player of the Game - Al Jefferson. We'd all be happier if a 13/8 night were routine at this point, but at very least we saw that in the right frame of mind (and against cheap honkiefied defense), he truly can dominate the game for short stretches of time. If he does this against Detroit, I'll be really impressed, but for now, I think we'll all take it.

Hamcock - Marcus Banks. He doesn't deserve it in the sense that he played poorly, but he gets it because he was probably the most dispensable player on the floor. He also had some classic gaffes - fouled Baron Davis shooting a three, charged recklessly to the basket to no avail on a couple occasions, missed open jump shots that he needs to hit when the big guys get doubled teamed, only had 3 assists, etc. He was no better or worse than Delonte is on any given night, however, and it's going to be very interesting to see who wins that battle for minutes.

Quote of the Night - "He used to... he used to always steal my food," Baron Davis. A chunk of nonsense gleaned from a surreal pre-game interview with Greg Dickerson, wherein Baron Davis raised serious doubts about the robust-ness of his brain's alpha waves. Never raising his voice above a sullen mumble (and letting his head loll around in an affect resembling an extra from the last fifteen minutes of "Awakenings"), Baron made the otherwise believable claim that boyhood pal Paul Pierce was a "big goofy kid" who was "lazy" and preoccupied with eating. For those of us who subject ourselves to the interminable half-hour exercise in awkward time killing that is the FSN Celtics Pre-game Show, it was a rare glimpse of something unscripted and interesting.

Friday, December 16, 2005


The Milwaukee Bucks and the Boston Fu-ks

A fucked up loss, and another in the continuing series of briefs filed in the case of CelticsDoom vs. Doc Rivers. In what could only be called a truly weird game, the Celtics opened up like the 87 Lakers, turned ice cold in the 2nd quarter, and played wild, schizophrenic basketball for the entire 2nd half, letting the game slip through their fingers (literally, with costly turnovers) after making a great comeback.

Need further examples of why this was a weird game? 1) The Celtics had a 27 point swing in the first half where they went from being up 10 to down 17. Then in the 3rd, down 13 and looked defeated, they suddenly ran off 8 points in the last two minutes. 2) Raef LaFrentz, who at this point couldn't hit his wife if she was tied to a chair, nailed an off-balance, buzzer beating 3 pointer at the end of the 3rd quarter that got the Celtics within 5 points. 3) Marcus Banks entered the game to the kind of applause usually reserved for retired heads of state, not mediocre 1st round picks who can't beat out Delonte West, the corpse of Gary Payton or Mike James for a starting role on a point-guard starved Celtics squad.

So anyway, it was a tough game to evaluate because the Celtics were all over the fucking map, but clearly turnovers, vacillating degrees of intensity, a lack of movement on offense, and inept coaching were the difference.

Ah yes, the inept coaching. Tonight, the following items were entered into evidence in our ongoing crusade - 1) Doc played Ricky 14 consecutive minutes to start the game, and fittingly Ricky looked VERY TIRED. The meltdown in the 2nd quarter started with Ricky's inability to get anything going offensively with the 2nd unit, and it just snowballed from there. 2) Kendrick Perkins had a great game for the 19 minutes he played. 6 points, 9 rebounds, 5 blocks, and lots of controlled energy. Doc yanked him with 5 minutes left in the 3rd quarter and HE NEVER RETURNED. Well, he kind of did with 13 seconds left to watch TJ Ford hit two free throws, but that doesn't really count. It was fucking unreal. 3) Down 8 (I think) with like four minutes left in the game, Doc again "Went Small" and put a lineup of Pierce, Blount, West, Banks and RickyD. A short while later, he took out Blount and put in Dickau, who promptly gave up an offensive rebound and put-back by Jiri Welsch. The word "aghast" doesn't properly convey the depth of this reporter's reaction to these "coaching decisions."

The biggest subplot of the game was the aforementioned return of Marcus Banks, who looked like an amped-up version of his usual self, which in these dire times automatically made him the second best point guard on the team. He did some great things on defense and made a couple sick drives, but also did some godawful things like turning the ball over with a truly stupid pass and taking some bad, rushed shots. My prediction is he'll command about 3.5 per on the open market, which means we'll need to lock him up with the full mid-level as penance for 2 years of abuse by Doc Rivers. Nope, things ain't looking up...

Player of the Game - Michael Redd. I'm not sold on him as a max contract guy, but when he's good he's very good, and tonight he iced us down during their big run in the 2nd quarter and overall scared Celtics fans every time he shot the ball.

Hamcock - Orien Greene. One could make the argument for Ricky, Al, or Raef, but I'm giving it to Orien because yet again the offense completely fell apart when he was on the floor. After seeing Marcus play with surprising effectiveness after missing 21 games, our man OG will probably spend the rest of the night trying to remember if its "NBDL" or "NDBL." Either way, he'll be amongst his peers.

Quote of the Night - "I'm glad that Perk isn't hugging anyone" Mike Gorman. This comment came right before tip off as the camera lingered Mark Blount and Michael Redd hugging, swaying and speaking into each other's ears in a way that one rarely sees outside of a drunken high school prom scenario. It was like Brokeback Mountain for the urban sports set, and I imagine people in the stands were covering their children's eyes and making fake cell phone calls, just so they wouldn't have to watch. And hopefully for the first time in his life, Lucky knew what it was like to feel embarrassment because of the actions of someone other than himself.


A Paul I Want On The Celtics

What could, and should, of happened after Pierce asked for a trade this past summer.

2005 Off-Season
Pierce for Van Exel and the 3rd pick, Danny selects PG Chris Paul. With two points guard on board, Danny has no reason to shop for another point guard (no Dickau). We’ll assume that he still signs Scalabrine. He still drafts Gomes and Green, who makes the team, but not Greene, and whoever he drafts doesn’t make the team.

2005 Season
Starters, PG – Paul, SG – Ricky, SF – Gomes, PF – Jefferson, C – LaFrentz
Bench, Van Exel, West, Allen, Reed, Scalabrine, Perk, Green, Banks

Sure, this team scares no one, but our current team doesn’t either, and look at the scrubs Chris Paul is playing with, and they have a fucking better record than us. The Celtics truly commit to the rebuilding process with Pierce gone. Ricky and Jefferson flourish because they have a real point guard to get them the ball when and where they want it. Blount whines even more because another butt-buddy is gone, and Doc banishes him to the bench the entire season giving Perk major minutes. They don’t make the playoffs and end up with a 7-11 range draft pick.

2006 Off-Season
With Van Exel’s contract expiring, the Celtics have $41 million in guaranteed contracts for the ’06-’07 season (that’s even including Vin’s $5 million), leaving approximately $14 million in cap space to play with. Assuming that Danny doesn’t package him in Blount/LaFrentz miracle trade, Banks is resigned at a reasonable $3-4 million per. Danny then overpays for free agent Radmanovic, and drafts frontcourt depth in Shelden Williams.

2006 Season

Starters, PG – Paul, SG – Ricky, SF – Radmanovic, PF – Jefferson, C – LaFrentz
Bench, Banks, West, Allen, Green, Gomes, Reed, Scalabrine, Perk, Williams

One more year to grow, and this core is ready to truly compete in 2007.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


Pacer? I hardly know her!

A pleasant surprise. The Celtics took advantage of a lethargic and out-of-synch Pacers squad and came away with one of their better wins of the season. Many things went right - the C's played solid defense, ran on offense (particularly in the first half), and prevailed despite fucking up their own momentum by turning the ball over a number of times when they could have blown shit wide open. That this all happened with Ricky and Pierce having off shooting nights was even more encouraging.

But, before we anoint ourselves the NBA champions and their fans of 05/06, it must be stated that the Pacers were awful. They played the role we usually play - the unprepared, enervated, and woefully outclassed visiting team. I don't know if the Artest situation is screwing that badly with their heads, or this is simply a team still figuring itself out, but they looked like total suck. They even had one of those classic Dumb and Dumber moments when two teammates (I believe Jackson was one of them) grab the rebound with no one else around and still manage to knock it out of bounds.

Anyway, the best news of the night was that Doc actually played the players we all want to see (Perk, Jefferson, and, uhhhhhhhhhh, well Perk and Jefferson) and didn't play Dickau, Reed or Scalaburine. Oh yeah, Gomes got in there too. Was it my birthday or something? Not that I'm aware of, but don't tell Doc. Granted, he still "went small" in the last few minutes of the game and kept Blount out there when we had no other rebounders, but fuck it, we won, and I'm just happy those aforementioned fuckheads were kept on the bench.

Before we go, a quick note on Pacer's reserve center David Harrison and reality television. A few years ago DH appeared on an episode of MTV's Real World (San Diego, I believe) because one of the roommates (the dimwitted, good hearted, drunken snowboard guy) knew him from college. I only mention this because that was the season they also had a girl who was afraid of looking at boats and another who was afraid of mentally retarded people. That was a banner year for reality TV. I challenge David Stern to top that kind of entertainment.

Player of the Game - Kendrick Perkins. I know he's something of a CelticsDoom fave and we probably overvalue his contributions, but tonight showed how important it is to have him on the floor providing the rebounding and interior presence that Blount and Raef simply cannot give us. No way Blount scores 22 points unless Perk is in there doing the dirty work on the boards (8 in 20 minutes) allowing us to sacrifice toughness at the 4 in order to get Blount's pussy jumpshot offense rolling.

Hamcock - Ricky Davis. I love Ricky D, but he sucked tonight. He turned the ball over way too much (5 times) and couldn't hit his shot (3-11). I got this weird idea in my head at one point that this could be Ricky's last game as a Celtic. It would suck if he left clutching the Hamcock because RickyDFan would probably never talk to us again. Don't leave us RickyD!

Quote of the Night - "He looks like that caveman commercial" Tommy on the topic of Scott Pollard. It was a banner broadcast night, probably the best call of the season from Mike and Tommy. The highlight was Tommy working in this reference to the aesthetically polarizing Geico commerical, later followed by a fully valid reference to "The Prince" by Machiavelli. For the record, I like the caveman commercial, although I understand why many people find it unfunny. I also like those LeBron family adverts, although they seem like something we're all going to get sick of very quickly. Kind of like seeing Mark Blount play 32 minutes a game.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


one man's trash is another man's Celtics roster

It’s a bit early, but trade talk is always a fun exercise, and with Artest being put on the public trading block it might be interesting to evaluate the trade value of our current Celtics squad. Granted, this is somewhat akin to searching for spare change underneath your car seat on a hung-over Sunday morning when you already know there's nothing there but empty soda cups and moldy cassette tapes, but what the fuck, it's a free read.

Before we begin, two caveats:

1) I do not think Ainge will make a significant trade this year.
2) I say this hoping to be proven wrong.


Ricky Davis – Ricky leads the pack because his modest contract and impressive offensive numbers are the sorts of things that other GM’s look at and say, “why the fuck not?” Ricky could conceivably be packaged with one of our albatrosses for cap relief, traded straight up for a disgruntled Earl Watson type, or packaged with our young, spare parts for a name player (Lamar Odom anyone?). In all likelihood, he will stay, but his value has certainly reached its zenith and if Ainge is looking to make a splash, Ricky is one of the few guys he can throw in the pool.

Al Jefferson – I would imagine that Al’s name is mentioned in every conversation Ainge has with other GM’s, and of course we assume Ainge views his inclusion as a deal breaker. Al is a big, highly gifted 20 year old with touch around the basket, making squat over the next three years. He straddles the line between “prodigy” and “project” in a way that makes him intriguing to the rest of the league, and maddening to those of us who see lots of shortcomings. Nonetheless, as of this moment Big Al is The Future, and we assume he is untouchable unless the names Garnett, James or Brand are in the conversation.

Paul Pierce – Pierce is a trade conundrum, as are all B-list superstars (ie – max contract, marketable, but not a true franchise player). Vince Carter, Baron Davis, and Steve Francis are all in Pierce’s category, and each one of them was traded over the past two years. In two of those three cases, however, their teams were willingly fleeced just to be rid of them, and only in Francis’ case was another (much better) all-star involved. A Pierce deal would be complicated by two basic facts 1) any team that could use Pierce to “put them over the top” is not going to have anything worthwhile to offer in return, and 2) a losing team is not going to trade young talent for a guy who cannot immediately turn their franchise around. For all of the hoopla surrounding Pierce’s resurgence this season (hoopla we have been part of), he’s still not ever going to be a Kobe or Tracy McGrady type GM’s will overpay to have on their team. I can’t see him being traded because I don’t think ownership could stomach the heat for getting 50 cents back on the dollar, but if he goes I am convinced it’ll be to Sacramento, Chicago or Denver.

Gerald Green – ironically, his value may have been at its peak on the same night he slid 15 spots in the draft, but who wouldn’t want to take a flier on a guy who can shoot, dunk, and been compared so often to Tracy McGrady that some fans might even take it seriously. His failure to crack the active list on a lottery bound team has hurt his value, but packaging him with some of our lesser-lauded lights might land us a player.


Mark Blount – with one of the uglier contracts in all of sport and a reputation for being soft, ineffective, and a locker room cancer, there is no other team in the league who would seek out Blount unless they were looking to dump some garbage of their own. Do not be fooled by those who would say things like, “some team can use his offense,” he’s still un-tradeable. No team in the league needs a soft 30 year old “center” who can’t rebound, is among the league leaders in turnovers, and is set to draw $7.9 million dollars in the year 2009/2010. Much like having drunken physical relations with an unattractive member of the opposite sex, the regret can only be magnified when other people become involved. That is to say – no one’s fucking this fat bitch since Ainge got in her.

Raef LaFrentz - Raef was probably un-tradeable when Danny traded for him, but the passage of time has only made his contract more grotesque and his output less inspiring. Raef is not a bad player by any stretch, but after this season he’s still on the books for three more years, and his game is not exactly on the upswing. To deal him is likely impossible, as even combining him with Pierce or Davis puts you into the $20 million deal range, and it’s hard to believe that anyone wants Pierce or Ricky enough to take on $30 million worth of Raef.

Brian Scalabrine – with the changes to the CBA that now allow a 25% difference in total salaries for trading purposes, it is doubtful that this lemon even has value as trade filler. One of the five worst players in the league and with guaranteed money until 2009/2010, there is no one in their right mind who wants or needs this idiot on their team. He will sit on the Celtics bench for the next five years as a monument to the poisonous Wormtongue influence that is The Brain Doctor.

Who the Fuck Knows

Delonte West – It’s hard to imagine any GM salivating over the opportunity to add the Herp to their roster, but perhaps his versatility and reputation as a good shooter gives him some value around the league. My guess is outside of providing filler in a multi-player deal, Delonte will likely remain a classic over-valued “career Celtic,” with a long term, low-money contract eventually appearing on the horizon. He’s non-threatening to the fans, active, and a genuine team player, but no GM in the league needs to go back to their team announcing - “Hey everyone, I just traded a lottery-protected 1st rounder for a career back-up shooting guard with a fragile point guard’s body who couldn’t unequivocally beat Orien Greene out of a starting position in the 2005 training camp.”

Perk – Obviously a lot of teams would love to have a 7 footer with a nose for the ball and no great ambition to be the next Wilt Chamberlain on offense, but I wonder if Perk is really on anyone’s radar yet. In two years I could easily see him as anything from our starting center to our 10th man. His strengths are such that he sometimes brings to mind a more awkward version of Ben Wallace, but his bull-in-a-china-shop style of play and often misplaced aggressiveness gives off a general “poor man’s Danny Fortson” vibe. Trading him now would be inane, because at worst he will always maintain some trade value as a physical presence, and at best he reasonably develop into something much more valuable over the next couple years.

Dan Dickau - Believe it or not, I could see someone trading for Dickau. He’s a great shooter, an experienced point guard, and only has two more years on his contract after this season. He could fit in well as a backup on a good team that can afford his defensive lapses.

The Dregs

Tony Allen, Marcus Banks, Justin Reed, Orien Greene, and Ryan Gomes – no one is looking to add these guys to their roster, but they’re cheap enough to work as extra parts in a real trade. I’m sure Ainge would love to move Marcus before they have to deal with his upcoming “fuck you I told you so” dip into the free agent market, but as motivated sellers I doubt they can extort much for him. These guys only have value in the unlimited imaginations of hyper-optimistic Celtics fans.

Friday, December 09, 2005


L 89-101 Same as it ever was

For many of us, the only question going into this game was exactly how often Mike and Tommy would rely on the old "we should have had Tim Duncan in the draft" laments to fill up empty broadcast space during our inevitable spanking at the hands of the vastly superior Spurs. Interestingly enough, they bitched more about how we could have drafted Tony Parker, but the inevitable spanking went on as scheduled

A brief, interesting note - Rick Pitino has affected both of these franchises in some deeply fundamental ways. His systematic fucking up of the Celtics is well documented, but we also blew the opportunity to pick Parker because we picked Joe Forte in a "throw a bone to Red Auerbach" gesture designed to make the old man feel like part of the team after years of getting dicked over and ignored by, yup, Rick Pitino. It was Pitino's last curse, so to speak, and if you believe strongly, as do I, that it was his fucked up karma that killed our draft lottery in 1997, then you could argue that the Spurs have won two titles thanks to largely to him.

Anyway, back to the "game." We were never in this one and although we got it down to three at one point in the third, no one in Vegas was exactly getting nervous. We struggled scoring points, their bench was amazing, and when it got close they just turned it on and blew us out of the water. Yes, the Spurs really are THAT good, and it is painful for Celtics fans to consider the two divergent paths these franchises have gone down since the rock bottom of that 1997 draft.

On the player side of things, Ryan Gomes, who looked like he might have gotten on track against the Hornets, was DNP'd until garbage time. Scalaburine who looked so good sitting on the bench and never getting into the game against the Hornets, got all of the minutes (11) backing up the 3 and looked like an idiot doing so. Blount was the only consistent source of offense in the first half, which I note simply out of fairness. Perk looked good - he avoided stupid fouls and pulled down ten rebounds, so of course Doc sat him for most of the fourth and insultingly threw him back in for the last minute of garbage time. Way to reward good effort Coc!

Player of the Game: Manu Ginobili. Fuck Tony Parker and his sweet Hollywood trim, Manu is the real bastard to deal with on this team. He had four steals, two of which were nasty momentum killers, and had an effortless 14 points in 24 minutes. I know he's overrated to some degree, but I dig this wacky fucker.

Hamcock: Brian Scalaburine. "Congratulations Brian, this is your first official Hamcock since we renamed the award. (pause for applause) I want you to know that bricked three pointers, the inability to rebound, the clumsy drives to the basket followed by uncatchable passes... these are the things that make you a CelticsDoom legend. (pause for applause) Your Tittypoints are more readily noticeable than Eva Longoria's when she found out how much money her French boyfriend makes playing a game for a living. (pause for laughs) But seriously Brian, when you play in a Celtics game, a depressing experience becomes all the more headache inducing. Thanks for all you do."

Quote of the Night: "Brian Scalabrine is coming into the game and Ricky Davis is going out" - Mike Gorman. The season in a nutshell. Nuff said.

Thursday, December 08, 2005


High Post Offense Sucks, Pierce Apparently Doesn’t

Having watched a full year of Doc’s “motion” offense, a fraud consisting of no set play that disintegrated into isolation for Pierce or Ricky while the remainder of the team watched from spots on the floor that prevented them from getting an offensive rebound, I am very happy to see the Celtics run set plays. I am no expert on basketball offensive plays, but this year’s staple seems to be a high post set that puts the ball in the hands of the four or five at the elbow to face the basket and distribute to either wing for an open shot or drive to the hoop.

On paper, the play is solid. The PG gets the ball to the 4 or 5 at the foul line extended, while a series of picks and cuts for the scorers to drive into an opened lane (post defenders having been brought to the perimeter by design). If nothing presents itself, get the ball to the 2 or 3 and run a pick and roll.

Either by poor execution, or poor players, this play NEVER seems to result in a cut to the basket for the Celtics. Stymied by option 1, we then run the pick and roll. The play must work in practice, since apparently no one on the Celtics is capable of defending a play as old as Bea Arthur’s cunt. However, most NBA coaches have devised ways to disrupt the play, and have imparted that knowledge onto their players. So again, either by good defense, poor offensive execution or poor players, the ball never gets to the “roller.” More often than not, the picker aborts his drive and pops out a few feet beyond the lane. Now, it’s everybody for themselves, and with the shot clock under 10, we’re back to “motion” offense.

I have grown to hate this play, particularly when AJ is in the game. I don’t like AJ with the ball on the perimeter – I don’t even like him on the perimeter. Notice when an outside shot goes up, rather than fight for position, he stares at the ball mid-flight. The play is for a soft and goofy center who can hit a 15-footer. The high post should not be run unless he is in the game (and therefore hopefully rare).

During the first quarter against Houston, I saw a play I haven’t seen in a while with this team. West got the ball immediately down to Perk, who was already in position on the block. Perk calmly assessed his options while West’s defender cheated a bit. Perk to West, West to Pierce as the defense shifted, Pierce to a wide open Ricky (who unfortunately missed the shot). Simple and beautiful.

Because of a long line of mediocre big men who fancy themselves outside shooters, the C’s haven’t had an inside-out game for years. In AJ and Perk, we have traditional post players filling traditional roles. Throw out the high-post page in the play-book, put the post players, get this, in the post. Stop wasting all this time exchanging the ball without purpose on the perimeter. Get the ball down low in the post, flair out with the wings and move without the ball. I believe it’s called a simple “stack” offense that has worked for years.

Solid win by the Celts last night. They really needed it, because they may not win another until 2006. Seriously.

Player of the Game – Paul Pierce. Eventually I’m going to have to do a huge blow job article on Pierce. He really is playing great. Good shots, good ball movement, excellent on the boards. When he was blocked by Mason in the first quarter, got the ball back and leveled him for an offensive foul, I thought “here comes Evil Pierce.” Last year he would have punched him in the nuts, whined to the refs that all-stars don’t get blocked cleanly, screamed to his teammates to just give him the ball, and called Danny a cracka while finalizing his post-games plans to hit on someone’s girlfriend and get stabbed. But no, he calmed himself down and played a solid game.

Might I have to change my name? Not when Kool-Aid drinkers are making him an MVP candidate. Tommy said last night that Pierce wasn’t just an “All-Star,” but an “All-Pro.” What does that even mean?

Hamcock – aka Worst Celtic of the Game – Raef LaFrentz. Look out, second game in a row for the man who receives by far the most slack on the team. Raef is as cold as my wife after I bought her a vacuum on Mother’s Day, just brutal shooting (5-25 from the field in the last four games). Lends the question, if Raef can’t shoot, what does he bring to the table beside the fact he isn’t Scalabrine? Hamcock voting was closer than you may think though, as Blount’s 4 rebounds in 34 minutes warrants attention.

In a transparent nod to the contributors and posters of CelticsDoom, both Tommy and Mike said “high, hard one.” I think they were referring to passes, but it seemed obvious that they were just trying to work it in the broadcast for us. Bravo, guys.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


Houston we are the problem

(Sorry for the delay. I wrote most of this last night and was too tired to tell if it made any sense)

Rough loss. This Rockets team isn't very good and they seemed ready to give it away if we had only played hard. The game was nearly impossible to enjoy - slow moving, lots of turnovers, almost no energy from the Celtics. Tonight we saw what happens when Ricky and Pierce have simultaneous off games and it wasn't pretty. We fell behind in the 2nd quarter and couldn't sustain any intensity on either side of the floor until late in the 3rd quarter when we had a run to get it down to eight. But then a missed Scalaburine three and a turnover got us back down by 11, and our complete lack of heart took care of the rest.

Speaking of our lamentable moron with 5 guaranteed years, an ugly moment occurred when Scalabrine nearly split poor Yao Ming's skull open trying to get to the hoop, in what had to be one of the lowest moments of the entire NBA season thus far. Imagine how David Stern will react tonight when he watches tape of the most awkward player in the league almost literally crippling the ambassador of basketball to the world's biggest country? My thought is that it will probably eclipse the reaction of Brittany Spears’s father when she told him she was going to be the mother of Kevin Federline’s third child. Or maybe my own reaction when I saw 3 minutes of "Chaotic" and realized I'd never get that time back.

On the player side of things, it was good at least see Al Jefferson get some minutes and score a bunch of points. Is this a sign of things to come or merely a rare “up” in his up and down season? My guess is the latter. Doc fucked around with playing Blount three more minutes than Perk, even though Perk wasn't in foul trouble and was doing what I thought was an effective job on defense. Of course, I’m sure in his post-game he provided some kind of classic Doc crazy-talk explanation along the lines of: “Perk wasn’t limiting the touches to the power 2's and point-bigs and defending the pick and small against the youngs.” The beat goes on.

Player of the Game – Luther Head. No real reason here outside of his last name, which makes him a must on my “all-CelticsDoom favorite names” NBA team. In a tremendously boring game, I found myself laughing out loud imagining what it would be like to work as a Rocket’s announcer and say such things as, “Head goes to the floor” “Head covers his man” “Give Head the ball…” And so on.

Hamcock – aka Worst Celtic of the Game – Raef LaFrentz. Holy fuck did Raef have a terrible game. 0-6, 2 rebounds (that I think were on the same play), 1-4 from the free throw line. Even Scalaburine’s near braining of Yao Ming seemed like skilled NBA play in comparison. In a night where Tittypoints points were handed out like free condoms in the Senegal, Raef took the Hamcock and ran out of the building.

"Ryan Gomes always seems nonplussed," Mike Gorman. Alright, this is something that annoys me and probably no one else, but Gorman says “nonplussed” a lot, and I think he means it to convey that the player is “unfazed” or “not affected.” Unfortunately, “nonplussed” means confused or bewildered or completely out of it, which would be a more apt description for Doc Rivers sitting on the bench than it is a description of Ryan Gomes on the floor.

Sunday, December 04, 2005


At least we're Knot the Knicks

It was a very near thing, but thank God we didn't lose to these assholes. The Knicks are one of the few teams to rival the Celtics in terms of stupidity and lack of heart (not to mention lousy management), and so it was fitting that we found our first victory on the road while wearing home uniforms in Madison Square Garden.

On that topic, here are some interesting parallels between us and the Knicks:
1) Danny Ainge = Isiah Thomas. Former players turned embattled GMs with good drafts and terrible free agent signings.
2) Jamaal Crawford = Mark Blount. Heartless losers signed to long term mid-level-plus deals after a protracted off-season courtship where their agents managed to create false bidding-wars amidst lukewarm interest from the rest of the league.
3) Quentin Richardson = Raef LaFrentz. "Take him or leave him" type overpaid starting role players obtained in trades for players that were presumed to be "heart and soul" types for the franchise (Toine and Kurt Thomas).

Anyway, the Celtics fell behind early, came back, and squandered the lead again in the fourth. The Knicks made a big run in the final minutes and probably would have taken it from us if they weren't a (similarly) weak minded ball club with failure written all over them. Dan Dickau came off the bench to secure the game with some clutch free throws, and the Celtics held on to a victory that was closer than it should have been.

Pierce and Ricky had gigantic nights, Delonte was solid, Perk was plagued with foul trouble but clearly disrupted the Knicks inside game whenever he was on the floor. I would be remiss if I neglected to report that even Scalaburine was effective in the first half. The big news of the game was that Doc broke free of the eternal recurrence we'd been subject to this year of having Blount on the floor in crunch time, and while it is difficult to say it made any difference, at least Big Al got the meaningful minutes (and 31 overall).

So overall it was a solid win, and in light of the upcoming trip to Texas, it was a must win. Doc seems to have reacted well to the omnipresent threat of the CelticsDoom Hamcoc(k), and at least let some of the guys who can win games for us stay on the floor. A Tittypoint must be assessed, however, for keeping Gomes off the floor in favor of Scalaburine/Reed.

Player of the Game - Paul Pierce. It was Ricky who got us back in the game when we fell behind in the first half, but Pierce had another great all around effort that makes one optimistic, at least, if we blow this whole thing apart come January we might get something good for him. 28/9/7, steals.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Orien Greene. It is with reluctance that I give the Hamcock to this poor rookie who's been getting his head fucked with all year by Doc, but he had a second straight game of providing very little recognizable on-court benefit (0-5, 0 assists). I mean, maybe he should start patting everyone on the ass after they miss a free throw like Mark Blount, or running around and wildly gesticulating during stoppages of play like Brian Scalaburine, just to look like he's doing something.

Quote of the Night (Day): "Mark Blount's getting active, and that's what we need, he's got good hands and he can jump" Tommy Heinsohn. The T-man said this by way of describing Mark Blount, which I think in all fairness can be defined as literally the exact opposite of the truth.

Friday, December 02, 2005


There is someone dumber than Doc Rivers

A disgraceful, and completely avoidable loss. The Bulls came into this thing with what appeared to be an indifferent attitude towards the game of basketball, allowing the Celtics to come back from a couple big deficits and even take a six point lead at one point in the fourth quarter. Pierce had arguably one of the ten best games of his career and the Celtics played decently for stretches, but completely inept coaching from Doc Rivers and Tony Brown doomed the cause.

The problem was largely rebounding. We got completely killed on the boards (47-34) because those two morons refused to put rebounders in the game. In the fourth quarter, Brown chose the "go small" stupidity, leaving one big man on the floor, and of course it was the one who happens to be incapable of rebounding. So again, instead of Perk or LaFrentz or Big Al, we had Blount getting the minutes at crunch time. The big imbecile even had a clutch offensive rebound at one point, but got the ball immediately stolen out of his useless hands, resulting in one of several "CelticsDoom Tittyfuck sponsored Hamcocks" he earned this evening. He ended up with a classic Blount line that is something of a Rorschach test for Celtics fans - 14/7 (Kool-Aide'rs say "yay!") with 4 turnovers and all the "tough" defense one foul provides (CelticsDoom'ers say "fuck him!").

In other player related news, Perk came rushing back to earth with an 8/1 evening in 18 minutes, but he played decent and probably would have had better numbers if that fucking idiot assistant coach had played him at all in the fourth quarter. Big Al, same deal. Another brutal coaching decision was to let Orien Greene play all the backup minutes at point guard even though the team struggled harshly with him running the show, largely because he seems so afraid of shooting the ball that the defenses are able to lay off him and clog up the middle. I'm sure Danny spends nights breathing into a paper bag when he realizes that he torched Banks to keep this guy.

But, the most important event of the evening was the very first Hamcock point handed out by this blog. It happened at 6:08 in the first quarter when Ricky committed his second foul and Doc replaced him with NOT Gomes, NOT Reed, NOT with Dickau, NOT even with Gerald Green, but with Brian Scalaburine! In the following three minutes we fell behind seven points. Give that man his Hamcock! Doc of course was later ejected from the game, (sadly, not for stupidity), and the Celtics went on a run. Come on Doc, you can't get Hamcock's from the locker room!

Player of the Game - Paul Pierce. This is most unusual, I know, but Pierce was incredible and for the first time in several years I felt really, really bad for him. He put up 43 points on 12-21, pulled down 11 rebounds and had 5 assists, while his coaching staff betrayed him by basically handing the game over. He had one defensive fuck up where he was chatting with the ref while the Bulls got the ball up the court and someone made a shot in his face, but we'll pretend theat never happened. Deng, who is my favorite young player in the league, had a sick game for the Bulls, but Pierce deserved a win tonight.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Tony Brown. The Hamcock Award is presented to our assistant coach for the most inept Celtic coaching performance put forth this decade by someone not named Rivers or Carroll. His substitutions and lineups at the end of the game were disgraceful. Steve Bulpett of the Herald was talking before the game and said how the worst part of the Orlando loss was that there was no benefit for the young players. As in, the Celtics lost and didn't even have their future on the floor learning what it takes to play in close games. That goes double for tonight. There is NO reason why Perk or Jefferson shouldn't have been on the floor instead of Blount. Terrible, terrible job all around.

Quote of the Night - "Now that's a Tittypoint!" Me. I yelled this several times at the television in an effort to fully inaugurate the Hamcock Award. Nice night for it, there were a lot to go around. Remember, Tittypoints and Hamcocks are handed out for extra-stupidity, laziness, and going above and beyond when disappointing Celtics viewers. "All red-heads named Scalaburine automatically get a Tittypoint!" (thanks again Tittyfuck, you have created a monster)

Thursday, December 01, 2005


Finally, A Celtic Who Can Grab Balls

Thank God for Perk. You got to give Perk a fucking ton a credit. For a year and a half, he’s dealt with a coach who laments the energy, passion and rebounding on his team while denying PT to the guy who’s worked hard to provide just what the team was lacking. It’s like the porn star with a huge cock, and the director is screaming that he can’t find a guy with a big cock, and the guys who are actually fucking have small cocks, zits on their asses, and blowing their load too early, and huge-cock star is standing right there, with his slong hanging out. I expect you guys to expound upon this metaphor.

Fortunately, Perk showed up. I have a feeling that, had Perk not delivered as a starter, he would have gone back to the pine while That Cunt played 30+ minutes a night and the youth movement went back to lacking both youth and movement. Perk shows Coc that, given a chance, the young guys can not only succeed, but excel. We here at Doom pride ourselves for the distinct lack of overreaction from a game or performance, but I think that last night’s game may be a turning point for the future.

I never expect Perk to be anything but a solid, extremely dependable backup center for a good team. It’s what he represents, hope. Hope that we can get past a series of overpaid, undertalented “veterans” who make the team virtually unwatchable. Hope that our brain-dead coach noticed the standing O, despite fouling out, from the announced sell-out crowd (sure). Hope that we can actually develop this blend of intriguing young talent. For fuck sake, you have 17 assistants.

Play the young guys, Doc. I don’t want to hear you lament the lack of energy and smarts from the three when you deactivate Gomes tomorrow night.

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