Tuesday, December 27, 2005


Hopeless in Seattle

HARTFORD, CT - Reeling from a post-Holiday celebration which allegedly included prodigious amounts of caffinated drink and repeated viewings of E! Television’s “The Soup,” Boston Celtics media gadfly Dr. Chestnutt (sic) was located today passed out in his living room beneath a pile of discarded all-natural potato chip bags, unused wrapping paper and many dozens of Criterion DVD sleeves.

“I didn’t fuckin' watch the whole game, man,” Chestnutt muttered to the authorities while escorted out of his apartment to the street below. “I… I fuckin' have to work in the morning.”

Authorities were initially unclear as to the meaning of his incoherent rant (“it’s not a FUCKING RANT!” he shouted for some still unknown reason), but upon further review have come to understand that Chestnutt was referring to his failure to provide a “recap” of the previous evening’s Celtics game for his CelticsDoom blog. These same authorities believe the game was classic fodder for the much maligned blog, wherein the struggling franchise dropped a winnable game to a weak Seattle Supersonics team, undoubtedly precipitating a string of similar disappointing losses during their west-coast road swing.

Although he claimed to have missed the final quarter due to falling asleep on his couch, Chestnutt was questioned by these authorities as to why he believed the Celtics lost the game.

“Fuckin'… I don’t know man, they couldn’t rebound, at least while I was watching… Ricky turned the ball over a lot, I think he must of played 10,000 minutes last night… I missed the 4th quarter, so who fucking knows… once they got down nine I knew it was over and I just fucking fell asleep. Too tired, very long weekend. Late games, fuck it. You don’t understand, I have to live in fear of my phone ringing…” (???)

Chestnutt was then loaded into a waiting car and had his new iPod temporarily confiscated while authorities continued to question him about the game during the drive to his place of employment. Below are some of the key quotes from this interview:

“Fuck man, if we’re going to make Reggie Evans look like an all-star, why the fuck should I stay up watching the game, let alone write about it?”

“Paul Pierce is officially Ray Allen-east. Kind of. That’s not a compliment.”

“Brian Scalabrine is so bad that Yahoo spares him the embarrassment of putting him in their box score.”

“I used to think that if you combined Marcus Bank’s strengths with Delonte West’s strengths, you’d maybe have a decent NBA starting point guard. Now I know you wouldn’t even have Flip Murray.”

As the Doctor stumbled towards the entrance of the hospital with the intention of operating on some poor fuck who probably doesn’t even watch basketball, he was surrounded by a cadre of local reporters (and regional affiliates) who were desperate for substantial Celtics media commentary.

“Doctor! Doctor! Mr. Chesnutter (sic)!” one brave reporter shouted, “Any thoughts on the Get Buckets Brigade/Celticsblog.com merger?”

“It means there’s one less blog people will read more than ours," said Chestnutt with a not-alltogether-unhappy smirk.

“What happened to PO? Or Jerky, or whatever the fuck his name is?” asked another, thrusting a microphone in his face.

“He’s stuck with his wife and kid for some holiday bullshit,” Chestnutt answered with a thoughtfully grim expression. “The last thing he needs is to watch the late-night death rattle of this Boston Celtics team. That would kill what little hope he has left.”

“But the Hamcock? What about the Hamcock? Don’t you owe it to Celtics fans everywhere to assess individual blame after embarrassing losses?”

Chestnutt stood thoughtfully and rubbed his eyes with his palms.

“Give the Hamcock to Al Jefferson,” he finally stated, “Fuckin' guy looked like Danny Fortson’s bitch out there."

He departed into the hospital and promised to never do one of these again.

"I may not guarentee that I'll stay up till 1 in the morning watching us lose to Golden State, but fuck it, I'll at least spare you this kind of stupid creative writing exercise," he added.

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