Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Spam is the idle man's big night on the town

Now that we know everything we need about cardiologists and Pinochet...

Anyway, I don't know what that was all about. I assume it's a disgruntled Kool-aid'er, perhaps "Gant,"expressing through performance art his distaste over watching a mid-lottery "team" flail around on the basketball court in a grim impersonation of 11 brain damaged hamsters, a zombie, and a declining Paul Pierce. The again, it could be Wyc putting the Dance Squad to work on their nights off from shaking their tits at disgruntled season ticket holders and/or stripping at the Fuzzy Grape. "Idle hands are the devil's bad character builder," or so we imagine Wyc believes. Case in point, remember that time Tony Allen told a bawdy anecdote replete with hand gestures to Marcus Banks on the bench in full view of the entire FSNE audience? Those 29 people were witness to horrors they'll carry with them all their lives. That was certainly not part of Wyc's plagiarized vision of a Total Entertainment Experience.

But whatever the case is with these morons, it has happened to better blogs than this, and we will persevere. And sorry I wasn't on top of it, I've been busy with trying to not go bankrupt, and also, this lack of internet access thing is a bitch and a half. If it (the spam) continues I guess we'll have to go to blogger comments or something. Anyone with any suggestions, feel free to email.

Also, BIG NEWS! CelticsDoom is returning to the east coast for a few days and will provide exclusive coverage of three upcoming games. Yes, the return of the Hamcock, the Quote of the Night, and fatigue-driven taint humor. Myself or Will Roberts will provide you with the pertinent info as the day approaches!

As for now, the quest for the 10th pick in the draft continues apace. Pau Gasol rumors = slow day at the office for Danny boy. I imagine the reaction from Memphis was one of condescending mirth. But that's our Danny. We predict a drunken midnight text message to Jim Paxson offering Leon Powe and a lottery protected #1 for LeBron James and five 2nd rounders. "This deal gives the Cavs a reliable back up in case Drew Gooden goes down." Message boarders rejoice!

But, we give credit where it's due, supposedly Ainge gave the "we're going to get worse before we get better" jive to an SI hack, indicating that perhaps he is of the mind to tank the season, something we wholeheartedly support. Also, big ups to our pal Jeff at Celticsblog for iterating to the masses the need to keep our pick, or at very least, not trade it without top 10 protection. Kool-aid or no, next year's draft is crucial to this team ever emerging from the mire of mediocrity, something we all want to see.

Yeah. So anyway, please don't let these spam fuckheads deter our good time.

Monday, November 13, 2006


Differential Diagnosis

We knew it was going to be ugly this season, but who’d have predicted that the Celtics would develop into a collection of medical mysteries so bizarre that even TV's “House” and his crack staff would be perplexed? CelticsDoom presents, as a public health service, the following diagnoses for our ailing squad in green.

Telfailure – “Bronchospasms,” and an obvious lack of size, motivation and intelligence. Danny Ainge thanks the latter day saints for Brandon Roy and his orthopedic boot, otherwise David Stern would likely intercede and turn the team over to this blog and/or a random number generator before the all-star break. In other words, “Worst Trade Ever.” An honorary hamcock to the first fan with a “Telfair sucks my Dickau” sign at the TDBKG.

Al Jefferson – first he loses his heart, then his brains (aka “footwork”), and now his appendix. The winner in all of this? Clifford Ray, who in the minds of Celtics fans has gone from being “off-season fix-it-all cipher” to the cipher who must be somehow to blame for our young big men’s ghastly regression. But with Al on the shelf for four weeks, at least he’ll just be blamed for Perk. Our advice, check Al's stomach for a twisted screw.

Theo Ratliff – mummification. Yes, poor Theo’s roughly 84 years in the NBA has left naught but zombie-fied remains, and these strike fear only in the hearts of ignorant townspeople and men in the paint under 5’ 9”. But don’t despair, in giving up Brandon Roy for Theo and Telfair, we can at least be comforted that watching those two flail away in a humiliating simulacrum of the game of basketball has saved $11 million for our billionaire owners. As the old saying goes, you don’t become rich by writing a lot of checks. Philanthropy is a choice!

Doc Rivers – alcoholism? Brain death? We’re not sure, but the self-destructive patterns might indicate some kind of grim alliance with devil liquor, or perhaps just an empty head. In less than three years Coc has gone from “lucky we got him” into ML Carr without the goofiness or tacit mission to fail. We’re picking January 8th as the over/under line for Doc suddenly “finding family” in the way that the great Stan Van Gundy did last year. The funny part will be watching the owners trying to lowball whatever poor slob gets picked to babysit this trainwreck for the rest of the season. Our OFFICIAL guess, a presser hitting the fax on December 20th including the words ”Tony Brown,” “new direction,” and “interim.”

Wally – knee, shin, bone-on-bone, etc. Danny’s track record with white men is about as bad as Madonna’s. Seriously, Sean Penn - “Shanghai Surprise,” Warren Beatty -“Dick Tracy..’ Guy Ritchie – “Swept Away” AND “Revolver.” Uggh. Danny has Dickau, Raef, Pittsnoggle, Scalaburine and now Wally. Sure, our compulsive ass-slapper makes an amusing “hyper team guy” who gushes about Paul Pierce in the post-game interview like a ten year discussing the new Harry Potter book, but at $10 million a year? When the fuck is Ainge going to get called out for constantly acquiring pricey damaged goods in the name of jettisoning pricey head-cases? We’ll be shocked if Wally World plays in over 70 games this year.

Tony Allen – mental retardation? As often as we have speculated about Inmate #42 playing for the Riker’s Island Cell-Block D squad, we admit, the way he’s played this year he might not make the team. It sucks because we were looking forward to one of those woefully misguided Hoopshype prison-league bios that try to put a happy face on hardened criminals getting their game on behind bars. But unlike Shits Rivers, even a prison league coach would have the sense to bench Tony Allen. “Fuck him up” indeed.

For those worried about their own health, take heart, at least the season is 1/16th over.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


whore nets a loss

C’s honor the memory of Red Auerbach and inaugurate the 2006/07 season in the most fitting way possible – a loss at home to a lottery team. The Sebastian Telfair era begins in earnest with a veteran-type contribution of 5 points 1 assist and 2 turnovers. Meanwhile Brandon Roy already has 6 points and 1 assist with 1:05 to go in the first quarter of the Portland/Seattle game.

The key phrase of the evening was “Small Ball,” as in, one of the many things we’re likely to find in Doc River’s skull cavity in lieu of a brain. Celticsblog calls it “gutsy.” We call it “nutsy.” This team might actually make the playoffs with a competent coach, but with Shits at the helm they have all the promise for glory and triumph as the Bataan Death March.

In other news, Paul Pierce is a beast but still can’t hit free throws. Rondo appears a cut above Orien Greene. 2006 Accountemps 6th star award winner Delonte West wins the first unofficial Hamcock of the season.

As for the play by play, my means of observing the competition were limited, but it was clear that the C’s were definitely a different team after halftime. Unfortunately, that team isn’t really all that good either. All in all, a likely harbinger of a gruesome season ahead.

This is based on sitting in a dark room and hitting “refresh” on the Yahoo box score page for two and a half hours. Anyone who actually watched the game, please contribute below. And anyone else, of course.

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