Friday, December 30, 2005


Ups and Downs - Gladiator style

Today we take off the kid gloves and engage in the gladiatorial exercise of pitting various Celtics players against each other in a battle for our affections via the up and down meter. This might be unfair and unnecessary, but times are grim and we need some guidance at year’s end to tell us who we should spare and who should receive no mercy. Happy New Year? Not if you haven’t earned it, fucker.

Paul Pierce – UP
Ricky Davis – DOWN

This one was tough, but the up and down meter stands by it. Ricky is in danger of devolving into a creature of statistics, while Pierce, who has always been a great compiler, has actually begun to understand the team concept and the fact that it might not entail him constantly touching the ball. Perhaps that’s an overstatement, but there’s no doubt that he’s been a good soldier and has elevated his game to a level that makes us all a little less embarrassed to defend him when discussing the sport with fans of teams that don’t suck. In other words, he’s getting his 26 and not looking like a selfish, miserable fuck in the process. Ricky is having a career year, but it’s starting to get lost in the background noise of this depressing season. Too many questions abound about his game – isn’t he more effective off the bench? Doesn’t he turn the ball over a lot trying to showboat? Why is this pure scorer being relied upon as a playmaker? In both cases, however, we must ask ourselves – what does it mean when two legitimate NBA stars have simultaneous career years on a team destined to finish in the middle of the lottery?

Kendrick Perkins – UP
Al Jefferson – DOWN

Al Jefferson, the last hope of the Kool-aid crew, has been exposed this year as an inconsistent and kind of dumb big man with serious intensity and focus issues, who is not yet strong enough to hold his own against big-time NBA rebounding monsters. He looks more and more like a guy who will make a nice starting NBA player some day, rather than the franchise savior. Perk, on the other hand, has gone from almost nil expectation to being one of the two nominees for Celtics “story of the year.” Even this reporter, who once famously stated that Perk would never be a starting NBA center, has been happy to watch him blossom into almost that (note - he still wouldn’t start on a winning team). His numbers do not always tell the story, but we have seen that good things tend to happen with Perk on the floor, and only a total moron like Doc Rivers would crimp his minutes in favor of Mark Blount.

Marcus Banks – UP
Delonte West – DOWN

Delonte is what he is – a nice hustle player who is not big enough to play his natural position, and not quick or creative enough to become a great playmaker. He’s one of the most likeable players on the team, simply because he plays hard and has a strange sense of humor, but he’s highly expendable and his impact on the game as a starter probably isn’t much different then if he languished on the bench. To wit – he has had a great statistical December, but the team still wilted around him. Marcus on the other hand, had the mind-bending prescience to break his shin during a time when it was becoming abundantly clear that his would-be-successors (DWest, Greene, Dickau) were all wildly over-rated, if not flat out disasters. He remains the same clueless yet monstrously speedy player of yore, but Marcus and his court-un-awareness are now good for a guaranteed 15 minutes a night, playing under a coach who hates him.

A Doorknob – UP
Doc Rivers – DOWN

Even the most Kool-aid drinkin’ Celticsblog message-boardin’ apologists have caught on to this. Enough said.

Mark Blount – UP
Raef LaFrentz – DOWN

This would be a shocking result if you’d asked this question at the beginning of the season, but sure enough old Mork has transformed himself from “utterly useless fuckhead with bad hands” into a bizarre 7 foot tall mid-range jump-shooting specialist. For a guy who earned the constant verbal felatio of Jim O’Brien due to his supposedly priceless contributions to team defense, his rebirth as a pure creature of offense is a stunning development, particularly when you consider that he’s subsequently degenerated into probably the worst man-to-man defender on the team. Raef, on the other hand, has slumped terribly since his career night against Houston and is looking more an more like a big white logjam taking valuable minutes away from Perk and Jefferson. Just call him Raef LaHamcock.

Justin Reed – UP
Ryan Gomes – DOWN

We’re all big fans of Ryan Gomes here at CelticsDoom, but it’s becoming quite clear that he is at best an average NBA player who is too small to play his natural position. In short – a typical 2nd round pick. Or better yet, Donny Marshall. Justin Reed on the other hand, perhaps one of the dumbest players ever attempt to play offense on a basketball court, is now buried on the bench and earning the hollow sympathy of desperate fans who want to believe he’s a pocket Ron Artest. Why is he an UP then? Because both of these guys depress me, but it’s a lot of fun to say Justin “Can’t” Reed.

Hemorrhoids – UP
Brian Scalabrine – DOWN

I have come to believe that I prefer experiencing the former to watching the latter. Thankfully Tommy never got a chance to latch onto this idiot, so we don’t have the kind of embarrassing fan-phenomenon that kept Waltah viable for waaaaaaaaaaay too long, but my God, this might be the worst free-agent signing/PR disaster since Bobby Bonilla went to the Mets. Hemorrhoids, on the other hand, at least provide fertile comedic grounds for many highly regarded CelticsDoom commentators.

Missing out on Chris Paul - UP
Missing out on Tim Duncan – DOWN

Tired of friends, relatives and co-workers rolling their eyes every time you bitch about 1997? No problem. Forget the nagging pain of being fucked over eight years ago in the draft lottery, now you can become enraged over the fact that Paul Pierce completely fucked over our future just six months ago! Yes, Partyboy Paul nixed a trade that would have sent the then-disgruntled forward to Portland for Nick Van Exel’s expiring deal and a pick that would become probable future all-NBA point guard Chris Paul. Let’s face facts – Pitino would have traded Duncan for Nazr Mohammad within three months anyway. But Chris Paul leading a team of Al Jefferson, RickyD, Perk, Gomes, and, uhh, all our other good players? That’s… I mean… that’s like .500 ball!

Brokeback Mountain jokes – UP
Talking about the Celtics – DOWN

Any arguments here?

Pierce Overrated – UP
Dr. Chestnutt – DOWN

Sure, I do most of the writing, but I’m always kind of wishy-washy when it comes to holding long-term grudges with people I have never met. PO though? He’s hardcore. An unapologetic Pierce-hater and CelticsBlog scourge, he watches Celtics games with an eye as cruel as an elephant hunter, perpetually fantasizing about filling the squad with UConn alumni and dreaming of trading Paul Pierce to Toronto, just to spite him and Hagrid. This is the kind of fan that Wyc and Danny deserve – harsh, demanding and unrelenting. Glad yr on my side dude.

To all you sick fucks (all of whom earn a big time UP) who make this blog a fun thing to do, have a nice New Year, and we’ll see you in 2006.

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