Thursday, April 20, 2006


Notes From The Final Whimper

And so the Celtics 2005/2006 season came to an end with a truly fitting whimper - a draft-position-jeopardizing victory against the few brave souls on the Miami Heat roster cajoled into taking the court and risking serious injury days before the start of the playoffs. Thanks to them, the thousands of strangely loyal Celtics fans who accounted for yet another sell-out at the TD Banknorth Garden at least got to see a "contest," albeit one without Dwayne Wade or Shaq, the players most of these people undoubtedly were forking over their cash to see. However, much in the way that few ask for refunds when the Allman Brothers Band plays concerts without anyone named "Allman" still in the band, apparently no one was too pissed off about this development, and "fan appreciation night" continued apace.

So yes, this was the bitter end, broadcast to us in HDTV and accompanied by one last dose of grotesque omni-organizational boosterism from Tommy Heinsohn. It has been a tough, ugly season, and one that we will break down in greater detail in the coming days, but simply out of respect to the time we all put in watching this season, it seems appropriate to mark the official end of the game with a recap of sorts.With that in mind, if watching Tony Allen hog the ball and repeatedly drive to the basket is your idea of a good time, tonight paid off handsomely. The Heat played hard for the first half but seemed a bit disjointed playing without 3/5 of their starting lineup, and just gave up once we got a double digit lead. From there on in it was songs in the key of "let's get this the fuck over." As the attention of many fans wandered from the "action" on court, some noticed Pierce sitting on the bench in a pricey pinstripe suit, all full of grins and giggles, undoubtedly looking forward to some serious off-season drinking.

Of course, this being the last game of the season, the broadcast was full of moments of looking back and gazing forward. Heinsohn dusted off his favorite theater metaphor one last time and stated that the beginning of the season "was like rehearsals in New Haven if you were to compare it to a Broadway play." As one who lives quite close to New Haven, I can assure you, no one there knows what the fuck he was talking about. No word on Heinsohn if the end of the season resembled the historic Hartford Circus Fire, another example of popular entertainment gone horrifically awry.

On the player side of thing, tonight marked the probable end to the Celtic careers of Mike Olawakandi and Orien Greene, as well as at least one of the "Future is Now" players relentlessly promo-ed on FSN. We bid them a fond farewell, especially Orien who, as has been noted ad nauseum in these pages, often gave me a headache. Beyond that, Gerald Green, likely sick of being shit on by Coc in the press, barely looked for his shot and ended the season with an unimpressive 8 points. Perk flailed around ineptly and missed what seemed like dozens of easy shots. Raef was godawful, Tony Allen was difficult to watch, and Wally babbled unconvincingly to Greg Dickerson about how excited he was to rehab his knee over the summer. Why do I think these are three things we’ll bear witness to next year as well?

Player of the Game - Dwayne Jones. I'm not sold on this guy being much of anything, but he's had a couple Brandon Hunter-esque games that should make us at least consider he might be a viable end of the bench spare part. Unfortunately, we have like 11 of them already on our team.

Hamcock - Brian Scalabrine. The last Hamcock of the season must go to the man who embodies the very worst of our post-Waltah roster, the 15-million dollar stiff whose greatest contribution to the team is watching "24" with Wally Szczerbiak. Tonight, ironically, he gets the Hamcock for playing well in a game WE WANTED TO LOSE. If this moron playing effectively in this pointless game costs us a chance at Rudy Gay, it will be the most fitting capper to the worst free-agent signing of the Ainge era. To quote my hero(s) the Wizznutzz, “When Scalabrine makes his lumbering move in the paint, he looks like a man emerging from the woods, trying to shake off a pack of raccoons.” Indeed. Hopefully he and Wally have TIVO’d enough crappy episodic television to make it through the summer.

Quote of the Night - "Some things will be the same. Paul Pierce will be here, Gerald Green will be here, Delonte West will be here," Wyc Grousbeck on the future of the Celtics season ticket holder "experience." You heard it, next year is going to be more of the same: Paul Pierce and a bunch of low-talent/high-character second round picks stumbling into the middle of the lottery, only maybe now with cheerleaders and a nicer scoreboard. Yay! As the ghastly tin-eared advertisement now says, "Why settle for the night of your life... when you can have 41 of them?"

Anyway, the end of the season brings with it the general notion of finality and celebration and all that stuff. I want to thank ever single one of you who comment on Celtics Doom for making it such a cool place to talk, vent and laugh. We're all probably the only people on the planet who equally enjoy the Boston Celtics, asshole/taint jokes, and obscure French linguistic philosophy, but goddammit, we found each other. Special thanks to Tittyfuck for inventing the Hamcock this season, an idea which perfectly embodied everything that we here are and the fanboys ain't. So thanks again, and happy off-season to everyone.

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