Wednesday, March 15, 2006


Grizzly, man

A grim march through four quarters of NBA basketball played at its most un-entertaining, this one was a good old fashioned slog that left the viewer feeling as if they were being throttled by slow moving hammers. The Celtics were flat and uninspired and seemed as though they were afflicted by some kind of deep and un-abating confusion, while the Grizzlies played their brand of methodical slow-ball and took the victory like a brainy teenager dominating his weary friends in a ten hour game of Risk.

Unlike Risk, however, where the random distribution of territories and even allocation of armies gives everyone a chance, this one was never in doubt. The Celtics starters could get nothing going on offense and the bench played its usual role in further confusing the issue. The ultra-loveable Raef/Gomes frontcourt was badly exposed on the boards against the Gasol/Tsakalidis frontline which punished and humiliated them all night. As the game progressed it was clear that the Grizzlies were not exactly executing at a level that brought to mind the term "Swiss Watch," but the Celtics were so cold, and so willing to settle for jumpshots, that it became a simple matter of allowing the passage of time to create more distance between the two scores.

The most interesting development in this brutal morass was during the second quarter when the following stunning development occurred - Pierce took an ill advised drive down the lane and fell hard to the ground, Wally simply watched it happen and walked away, not making any move to help The Captain to his feet. Trouble in (post trade) paradise? Aren't we the cuddly happy team that always helps each other in every single thing? We have suspected that Pierce might not be the biggest Wally booster on the planet, and this seemed highly out character for Mr. SzczHyperTeamGuy. Smoke = fire. Stay tuned.

On the player side of things, we had a major crash and burn for the heroes of the recent "oh wait we don't totally suck" run. Cuddly Delonte was ineffective for the 2nd game in a row, Pierce was shut down, and Raef had a classic Blount-ian 10/3 line as starting center. Even worse was Gomes who couldn't rebound when needed (although he led the team with 6, but believe me, he wasn’t rebounding well) and couldn't get his crucial 10 foot jumper to fall. Al Jefferson occasionally tried to inject energy into the proceedings, but mostly looked borderline retarded and, fittingly, fouled out in 12 minutes. Orien Greene looked as if trying to play while emulating the handicap of the recently deceased Miss Deaf Texas. The only good news, Perk eventually seemed to get on track on offense.

Player of the Game – Jake Tsakalidis. Granted, playing a full game against Raef LaFrentz gives any big man the opportunity to work on their Moses Malone impersonation, but this heretofore uncelebrated Rustavi really kicked ass. More importantly, with his gaunt face twisted by strange bone angles and odd red blotches, he strongly resembles a character from the Sin City comic books, or one of those HP Lovecraft monsters that makes all those who gaze upon them go insane. This could go a long way to explaining Tommy Heinsohn’s upcoming quote.

Hamcock - Ryan Gomes. Ryan’s suckiness tonight was shared by many on the squad, but we award him because his (and Al Jefferson’s) inept play led directly to a Brian Scalaburine sighting, as our fave honkey stiff dug out 10 minutes of garbage time and excelled. Prior to that we witnessed a classic “little thing,” as Gerald Green walked off the court after missing a quarter ending last second three pointer, there was Scalaburine, first out of the pack, encouraging the lad and saying “great shot, great shot,” and, as I imagine it, “Didja hear, CelticsDoom made you quote of the night the other game, that means they like you!” Look for Scal to play 500 zillion minutes next game.

Quote of the Night - "They bore you to death," Tommy Heinsohn on the inner workings of a Mike Fratello coached team. The best part of this was not a minute after Tommy made this claim, he started in on his mind numbing "how many times has Pierce gotten to the line tonight?" idiocy that had Gorman audibly gritting his teeth. Irony, Tommy? Or simply providing an example of how it's done by an old pro? He kind of made up for it later by saying that Orien was playing a game of "Dog, dog, who's got the bone?" a bit of surreal nonsense that evoked likeable senility rather than the stubborn blather of a iron willed patriarch who refuses to die. Also, he at one point christened Memphis “the Jazz Capitol of America,” and prattled on about many the "diet drinks" that threatened to spill on him. I gotta get me a radio one of these days.

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