Wednesday, February 01, 2006


Phucked Up by Phoenix

Another classic, depressing loss that felt at once both avoidable and yet utterly inevitable. The Celtics came out as flat as a line reading from a typical UPN comedy, found themselves sitting on the ugly side of 20 at intermission, and then fell short in a mammoth 2nd half comeback led by a raging Paul Pierce. The comeback was impressive and exciting but also probably fools gold, as it was apparent early on that the Suns were interested in playing only as hard as they needed in order to win.

The big story of the night as far as we're concerned was the wildly misguided insertion of Brian Scalaburine into the starting lineup. This was, as our good friend myassholestnx predicted, a true Coc Rivers special. Not only is this honkey dope a disaster on the boards and real questionable on defense, but he's now so terrified of shooting the ball (and getting booed) that he keeps turning down open looks and passes the ball to people like Raef LaFrentz when there's 2 seconds left on the clock and defenders are draped all over him (him being Raef). The Celtics were so utterly disjointed and uninspired to start the game that this hugely stupid decision must be also entered as evidence in the ongoing case of CelticsDoom vs. Doc Rivers.

In other player news, Inmate #42 continued his streak of "why did we ever think this guy was any good?" games, Al Jefferson had a monster first half and a decent game overall, Perk was solid but is turning the ball over alot a la the late, unlamented Mark Blount. Pierce had a humongo game, scoring 33 points in the second half alone, but curiously continues to choke at the free throw line in key situations. Another in a long line of examples of why comparing him to Larry Bird is insulting and truly stupid.

So basically we got beat by a better team and made our lives much more difficult by only playing a single half of basketball. Which team are we? The collection of corpses and b-rate NBDL'ers from the first half, or the somewhat energized 3-point chucking .500-ish team that played close in the 2nd? Either way, it's a long fucking road from #17.

Player of the Game - Shawn Marion. I don't even care that he played well tonight, this is in honor of that hugely stupid sneaker advert where he excels in a 2-on-2 game with some anonymous guys in a gym while wearing a heavy kevlar vest. Is it just me or is that really anti-climactic when they show the vest in the end? I mean, I would expect he'd probably beat a couple of rec league guys in a pick up game while wearing weights or something to impede his movement, he is after all a huge NBA star. Want to impress me? Want to blow my mind with something utterly unfathomable and have me buy his goddamn sneakers? Have him beat those guys with Doc Rivers coaching him on the sideline. Now that's a commercial!

Hamcock - Wally Szczerbiak. 1-9 from the field and he had Heinsohn reduced to praising his picks and passes for want of any real production. The box score says he had 10 rebounds and 6 assists, but everyone who watched the game knows that this hardly reflects accurately on his lackluster performance. Interesting thing though, Wally has definitely filled the free-throw-butt-slap-gap that was created in the wake of the trading Mark Blount. This honkey pats his new 'mates down like he's looking for a hidden weapon or perhaps some pocket change. Get your fucking szcshands off me!

Quote of the Night - "They have to learn their lines, as character actors," Tommy Heinsohn on the continued struggles of Orien Greene and "Birdy" Allen. We haven't heard Tommy pull out the "Celtics as a Broadway production" metaphor in quite a while, and it was nice to have our old friend/literary device trotted out and flogged anew. Here's a continuation of the metaphor, if I may - The Celtics have to acknowledge that the script is fatally flawed, the Director is dangerously stupid, the actors are never going to be stars, and the producers could give two fucks if we ever win a Tony award, just as long as there's a steady stream of paying customers. Break a leg, indeed.

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