Saturday, February 04, 2006


Magical Misery Tour

If it didn't waste two hours of my life that could be better spent doing almost anything (ie - masturbating, cleaning fish tanks, watching fine cinema, or all of the above), I might be able to appreciate these Celtics games more as performance art/comedy. It has gotten to the point where we know what's going to happen and can only be amazed every game by how little the reality varies from our assumptions. We are generally guaranteed the following - the Celtics will either fall behind early or implode at some point in the second quarter, eventually climb back in the game, and then come up short in a fourth quarter rally that will make the game seem much closer than it really was. Tonight was no exception, although the gutless lethargy on display in the first quarter was interesting in light of the fact that these players know full well how much Shits Rivers wants to win on his former home floor.

So yeah, 4 quarters of mind numbing, mediocre basketball played by two teams that are sitting next to each other in the middle of the NBA pack for a brief moment before heading off in separate directions. I'll let you guess who's going down. I had a challenging week personal-relationship wise, so in lieu of a description of tonight's meaningless exercise in fulfilling the demands of the Association's schedule makers, I'd like to instead talk about a few things I haven't had time to write about all week.

1) I'm really sick of Mike and Tommy praising defensive "effort" on plays where the opposing team scores. A recent egregious example of this was during a "last night in the NBA"-thing when Mike praised Deshawn Stevenson for getting a game winning jumper buried in his face by Joe Johnson. "He got his left hand up." Please. How many goddamn times do I have to hear that Pierce "did all he could do to contain him" when some guy torches him in the face of utter indifference? Let's all agree that generally speaking, if a guy scores, the defense didn't do its job.

2) That Foxwoods commercial with the fat guy and his big green titties is back and it really makes me ill. How did this ad survive the pitch process, let alone get filmed? Not only does it commit true violence on all accepted notions of the beauty of the human form, but it also contains some of the worst written "likeable workin' man" lingo this side of a preening political ad. Bake my scrod indeed. What's next, Brian Scalabrine in a thong?

3) I found Bill Simmons' favorite blog's recent attack on the fanbase ("scapegoating") shocking. I like the author of the piece, but my God, this team is a complete fucking disaster (see above), why shouldn't the fans obsess a bit on ascribing blame? The record speaks for itself, there is no hiding from the fact that the Celtics are an embarrassment and are at least 5 years away from being a consistently competitive team. Any franchise that can sell the idea of stockpiling picks for the 2008 draft to its fanbase with a straight face is in dire, dire trouble. Everyone who is blamed full well fucking deserves it. Especially Coc.

4) I missed last night's game but the loss of Al Jefferson might very well save his ass from getting moved in a compulsive Ainge trading-deadline move. Unless we're getting Chris Bosh back, I'm not liking the rumors about him being shipped out.

Anyway, back to tonight: On the player side of things, we had another pointless "great performance in a loss" from Pierce, a brief Gerald Green siting, and a solid outing from Perk. Wally Szczerbiak still can't szczshoot, Delonte looks more and more overwhelmed, and Ryan Gomes wasn't deemed worthy of earning minutes in this post-Al Jefferson injury world. Orien Greene impressed the 94 people who came to see him with his uncanny ability to get time on an NBA court even though it appears as if he would have trouble cracking the rotation for the semi-pro Marathon Oil squad. Oh yeah, also, Coc "went small" which I mention only to inspire more fine comedy from our treasured commentators.

Player of the Game - Dwight Howard. He's a theater man, a hardcore Christian, and the best under 21 player in the game not named LeBron. Or is LeBron 21 now? Anyway, this dude is a true cornerstone player and I am filled with hateful envy every time I see him play. His post game interview with Mike and Tommy was David Stern's ultimate wet dream - an articulate and polite NBA star with no tattoos or detectable sense of burning resentment.

Hamcock - Brian Scalabrine. With Al on the shelf, it is truly 'Urine time, and our worthless honkey sometime-blogger has a chance to lock up the season-end Hamcock of the Year award. What we learned tonight is that he might lead the league in agreeing with referee's calls that go against him. Keep nodding Scallywag, they're the only ones watching who don't hate you.

Quote of the Night - "When you think about it, these guys could be banging each other for the next 10 or 12 years," Mike Gorman on the topic of Perk and Dwight Howard. Best quote of the season, hands down. I can only ruin it by talking about it, but if there was a movie called Brokeback Perkin, I imagine the tagline would be - "I wish I could quit (losing to) you."

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