Sunday, February 26, 2006


"Hate Me For My Stupid Fouls"

A stellar win. The Celtics shoved ESPN's aching desire for a night of Kobe Bryant highlights straight up the worldwide leader's ass and took down the Lakers by moving the ball and playing a solid team game. We got huge nights from Pierce, Ryan Gomes and Delonte West, while the LaKobes were pretty much unable to muster anything to supplement Mamba's huge night beyond an inconsistent Lamar Odom and what amounted to a coming out party for Ronny Turiaf.

The game was fairly close throughout and although the Celtics were up by 12 during a monster 37 point 3rd quarter, it had the feeling of a game that was heading to the wire. Indeed, this shit truly got decided when Delonte West, who was covered with the figurative sperm of 3 ESPN announcers figuratively whacking off on him all night, fouled out with 3 minutes to go and the Celtics up 4. It was the moment where we reasonably expect the Celtics to implode, and while they kind of did, they still managed to hold on via a huge offensive rebound/put back by Ryan Gomes and a mind bogglingly bad foul by Kobe on Pierce with 3.7 seconds left in the game. A missed Kobe shot later and the Celtics were dancing off the court with one of their more unlikely wins of the season.

On the player side of things, Pierce had a solid mano-a-mano with Kobe, doing most of his damage from the line, winding up with 39 points and the game winning free throw. Raef continued his string of quietly respectable games, lending credence to the theory that playing next to Perk makes him a low-performing power forward rather than his traditional position as low-expectation center. Orien Green... I can't talk about Orien without risking a headache, but he did hit one big free throw. Brian Scalabrine was his usual embarrassment, and while the ESPN guys politely refrained from tearing him apart, Doc Rivers took a big public shit on him when he committed one of the dumbest 24 second clock violations the Assocation has ever seen. If you saw it, you know what I mean. Remarkable stuff.

Anyway, tonight was a very good win over a kinda-quality opponent, and having suffered much during my childhood because of those fucks in the purple and gold, I still think it's a special thing to beat the Lakers. Now if we could only beat, like, you know, the Nets or the Magic.

Player of the Game - Ryan Gomes. Pierce had the gaudy numbers, but Ryan basically won the game with his sick rebound over three Lakers that kept the Celtics momentum moving forward in the waning moments of the game. His 19/12 seemed completely effortless and entirely within the flow of the game, something even Al Jefferson cannot claim to have yet accomplished. To think that this dude from Waterbury is out there schooling the likes of Chris Mihm and Kwame Brown at the Staples Center in front of Jack Nicholson is just plain weird. To think that he couldn't beat out the likes of Justin Reed for minutes earlier this season is even weirder.

Hamcock - Wally Sczcerbiak. It very well could have gone to the always deserving Brian Scalaburine (who keeps racking up the tittypoints at a record pace), but tonight Wally had yet another game where his outside shot was on the fritz (4-12) and he gave us nothing down the stretch. I mean, we're a team with no consistent offensive options beyond Pierce and Delonte, so if we can't count on Wally to put the ball in the bucket in close games, what the fuck is the point in having him out there? To serve as the catalyst for humorous broadcast moments where the announcers confuse him with Raef LaFrentz and then refuse to correct themselves for fear of injecting some kind of racial tinge to the proceedings? Alright, fine, I answered my own question.

Quote of the Night - "He gets fouled by Kobe from behind," Tim Legler. Little could be less interesting in life than listening to an ESPN broadcast team call a game with their usual mixture of Kobe worship and awkward hyper-masculine dynamics, but I took on this abuse to my dignity as a viewer in order to get a night of from Heinsohn's degenerate boosterism. This Legler comment serves as the springboard for a joke about rape, the dual meaning of the word 'foul,' the way in which language changes through context, and a common sexual position performed uncommonly over a chair. I leave it to you to make it.

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