Friday, January 06, 2006


we were sliding into home, our pants began to foam...

A ghastly, unforgivable loss. Playing at home against a reeling Hawks team that had lost four in a row, the Celtics dicked around with a small lead for most of the game before completely falling to pieces in the final minutes. If this isn't a clarion call to blow the whole goddamn enterprise up and start over, I'm not sure what could make it more clear. Perhaps the not-entirely-unlikely scenario of literally losing every game for the rest of the season is what's needed to initiate personnel change.

In fairness to the players, however, we could easily hang much of the blame around Doc's all-too-worthy neck. Suffering from a bad case of the liquid poops, Doc "Shits" Rivers indulged his "going small" obsession, which went from a semi-successful cutesy ploy in the 2nd quarter to completely tanking the cause in the 3rd and 4th. Turns out, I don't know if you knew this, but when you put 4 guards on the floor, it becomes much tougher to rebound effectively. Who'd a thunk it?

On the player side of things, the big story was the return of Inmate #42, Tony Allen. TA was his usual spastic self, proving at turns to be both hugely effective and wildly out of control. Shits (Doc) loves Tony, however, so unlike every other young player who is not allowed to play through their mistakes, Tony played the entire 2nd quarter and 30 minutes overall. Strangely enough, the player most affected by this minutes switcheroo? Mark Blount. Hmmm. Of course, Shits also DNP'd Perk until the last 40 seconds, which might have been the stupidest and worst thing he's done all season. Why the fuck must Perk be jerked around? He's effective, works hard, and by rebounding, fills an actual gaping need of this team. He should get ten minutes a game just on principle. Tonight, he could very well have won us the game if he'd been in there rebounding as the momentum slipped away.

Additional note - Gerald Green got sent down to the minors, but apparently Daddy Ainge will be accompanying him for a few games for some completely unfathomable reason. Shouldn't Danny be on the horn looking to unload the $30 million or so in contractual dead weight we're carrying every year? Isn't this a mission better suited for like, Wyc's wife or some otherwise unemployed Celtics legend we have hanging around? What about Willie Maye? Or Doc? A huge prize to the first Celtics fan who brings a "Send Shits Rivers to the NBDL" sign to the game.

Player of the Game - Orien Greene. It is not in my nature to award Celtics in losing causes, but Orien finally played a regular season game that reflected the promise he showed in the pre-season. Perhaps owing to a putative pledge to quit jerking off on nights before games, perhaps not, but he was alert, active and hugely effective, basically the opposite of all his other appearances this year. THIS was the player Ainge prayed he had lucked into when he told Marcus to go fuck himself next season.

Hamcock - Mark Blount. This big dope turned the ball over 3 times in the first five minutes, got whacked in the face by Puchuclia's head, and ended up sitting out most of the last half after getting replaced by a shooting guard who hadn't played all season. His final numbers were a classic Hamcock - 4 points, 0 rebounds, 5 turnovers.

Quote of the Night - "Joe Johnson is prepared to go down on the box," Tom Heinsohn. I thought when you pulled in 13 million a year this was no longer required, but I guess Joe has a demanding lady-friend. Ha ha ha. What else can we find in this? Joe Johnson - slang for what happens when you stick your cock in a cup of coffee? An Australian insult based on the notion of having sex with a kangaroo? Senator Lieberman's nickname for his dick? I dunno. You tell me.

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