Friday, January 20, 2006


The Land of Perk and Honey

A fine victory over an overrated Nets squad that is chock full of lamentable dipshits living off their reputations from the pre 9-11 NBA. Alright, maybe that's just Vince Carter, but seriously, I hate this team and hate to see the Celtics lose to them. So it was a good win and yet another example of how the blueprint was supposed to work, and how Doc's willful stubbornness has cost us so many wins this season.

The 1st half seemed an indicator that someone watched the tape of Wednesday's win over the Timberwolves and told Doc that his job might be saved if he spent less time inventing faux NBA terminology ("vocal big" is his latest triumph) and just made a few simple changes to his rotations. And what do you know, it worked. Granted, the Nets came out with their heads up their asses and during the first half caused the announcers to say "turn over" more times than those poor doomed cowboys did on a good weekend up on Brokeback Mountain, but the Celtics played efficient, enjoyable basketball, and got solid contributions from the nine guys who played.

Of course, the 3rd quarter saw the Celtics squander the lead with their own spate of turnovers and generally sloppy play, but it didn't have the usual meltdown quality that we've become so accustomed to. This was proved out in the 4th quarter as the bench played good defense, Perk had a mammoth offensive rebound and put back, Al Jefferson and Delonte connected on a great play, and we withstood a colossal Pierce error when he fouled Kidd on a three pointer. Things got a little dicey at that point, but the Celtics made a solid defensive stand to end the game and survived Vince Carter almost knocking in a 35 foot desperation shot.

On the player end of things, we saw a fully tolerable big man rotation that included Perk and LaFrentz starting, and Jefferson and Scalabrine coming off the bench. Of course, the Nets present very little in the way of genuine front-court presence, so there might be a bit of fool in whatever gold we chose to take out of the positive results. Nonetheless, it was a good development, especially because Mork Cunt was DNP'd. And just to show the kool-aiders that CelticsDoom is always willing to toss them a bone, in the spirit of last year's ill-advised attempt to codify the short-lived West/Banks platoon (I believe "Crash and Burn" was the winner), I submit that they can all use the cutesy "Al and Scal" couplet when rhapsodizing about the team's recent successes. Other duo nicknames we are willing to contribute to the living text of Celtic fandom are ones for Dickau and Tony Allen "Shrink and the Clink" and Gomes and Reed "Functional and Retarded."

So yeah, basically, the gist is that the right players played and the Celtics won. We'll see if they can stay on the right track tomorrow.

Player of the Game - Al Jefferson. Al has officially put together his only decent two-game stretch of the season, and tonight was the best example yet of the possibility of him becoming a McHale (circa 1984) type bench player. We all know his strengths, there's little point to me listing them here, but safe to say they were on display and he wound up with a fully legit 10/10. More than the numbers, the best thing has been watching him and Perk play together and bring some esprit de corps back to this moribund squad.

Hamcock - Delonte West. Delonte, you actually played very well, but 12/2/6 is no longer good enough for you, you lovable little scamp. Step it up man, you have official FSN promos the feature you with the thoroughly baffling tag line that reads, "Some leaders aren't born... they're drafted late in the first round." Who the fuck wrote that one? A paint-sniffing intern with connections to the Grousbeck family? A cynical chimp that happens to know sign language? Also, how can we all fawn over you and pretend that you are a legitimate NBA point guard when every game is marked by you suffering some kind of strange injury? Tonight it was a poke to the right eye, the other day it was a head on collision with a camera man, prior to that it was being stuck with Paul Pierce at a screening of "Glory Road." Good God Herp, don't buy a house on a flood plain.

Quote of the Night - "I want some more bread... you're eating all my bread!" Tommy Heinsohn. Classic semi-funny Tommy moment in the pre-game show as he attempted to communicate the internecine quality of Perk "calling out" Paul in the Timberwolves game, using a family metaphor eerily reminiscent of the CelticsDoom description of the FSN broadcast team in last game's recap. That sound you're hearing is a feedback loop mon freres. In these grim times we are all feeding upon each other like wild weasels in a pit full of weasel-shaped snack treats. Some call it a dearth of original ideas. I choose to call it... synergy.

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