Celtics Doom

Are you smarter than Paul Pierce?

2007-03-31T20:08:00.001-04:00

Fresh dispatch from putative television comedy writer and CelticsDoom intern George Meyer! George writes:

“Chesty, Ran afoul of the thought police in the form of Bob ‘Opus’ Day and Roy Hobs, two surly thugs who trample on free expression like so many drunken elephants on a highway of frozen rum (sic). As a fellow Californian, I implore you to stop setting staring at the fires in the Hollywood Hills and get back to the task at hand – writing Celtics articles that cite German cinema and over-labored philosophy, and leave the God-hawking to the pee-brains.”

I think it’s actually “pea” brains George, but we get the message. As for Celticsblog, we remain friends and supporters, but we fear for the health of Jeff’s stat counter should these overzealous actors continue to front the franchise. Lighten up gents, no one’s getting rich off this work.

But onto the important stuff. A new feature we like to call, “How Stupid is Paul Pierce?"

We were going to use our connections in the entertainment industry to set up a “are you smarter than a fifth grader” appearance for the Captain, but no sooner had we stalked out super-producer Mark Burnett at the local Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, than did Bob Day’s God gift us with this Ghastly Idiocy.

To recap: Paul Pierce suffers through an injury-filled stinker of a season that engenders a lifetime of sympathy and “see we can’t win without him”-isms from gullible Celtics fans, but then,“pee” brain that he is, he destroys this goodwill in an embarrassing interview with Jackie Mac wherein he refers to himself as a “great player” no less than three separate times, and plays the victim for accepting a huge cap-crippling extension, apparently at knife point. For those of us who have spent many years parsing Globe articles to count the number of times The Captain refers to himself as a “veteran all-star,” this was the most concrete evidence yet in the case of “Paul Pierce – ‘I am my own best friend.’”

First of all, the age old debate, is Pierce a “great player”? Of course not. He has made one all-NBA third team and has never been considered the best player at his position, even in his own conference. Kobe is a “great” player, Kidd is a “great” player, LeBron is a “great” player. Ray Allen, Vince Carter and Paul Pierce are not.

Pierce is an over-extended cog in a poorly built machine, a fool who in his heart knows he will never set foot on the moon, but goes around wearing a home made space suit with “NASA” written on the back in crayon. “Where’d you get that thing?” someone might ask. Pierce would answer, “the government gave it to me because I’m such a great astronaut.”

Old news, of course, but now the Captain has thrown his young teammates under the bus as a means of further embellshing his talent and abilities. Is there need for a discussion about why the man entrusted with the captaincy shouldn’t go around endorsing a trade of the guys he's supposed to be leading? Particularly when the only one of these guys anyone wants is a dim-witted manchild who underwent such a dramatic transformation (for the better, thankfully) when he learned he was inches away from being shipped out with a bag of cash for Allen Iverson? Put said man-child's name back in the rumor mill and he might literally turn into a pumpkin.

It’s just poor form. It’s stupid and it’s selfish and Pierce does nothing but hurt his image by airing his “no shit this team sucks” laundry to the newspapers. Would Paul have been so forthcoming had Jackie Mac asked him why such a “great player” melted down in the Pacers playoff series? Or why he routinely jacks up terrible shots and makes stupid turnovers during crucial stretches of winnable games?

For all of Pierce’s bitching and whining, he’s had a fairly easy pass in a town that’s known for hating its heroes. He makes around a quarter of the team’s payroll, he is the face of the franchise, and he plays in a system that gives him his points and all-star stats. Most importantly, he gets to lose more games than he wins and blame the whole thing on the two GM’s, four coaches and dozens of teammates he has played for as a Celtic. He catches heat now and then, but for the most part he is held remarkably blameless by the legitimate media.

By mouthing off about how much his largely self-created situation "sucks," however, he invites the unfavorable comparison to past Celtics players who presided over teams that did not shame the franchise in the way his have. While yes, we've learned that a Pierce-less team is almost unimaginably bad, we also know that a Pierce-led team is by default, mediocre. No matter how much he wants to pretend otherwise, that is Paul Pierce's legacy. That is the Truth.

So wrong it's right

2007-03-22T02:14:00.000-04:00

Thank you Coc!

The ethics of this stuff be damned. If we needed to suffer through this ghastly season, at least there should be the hope of reward.

CelticsDoom salutes, in particular, the use of the handy old "cut inside the mouth" as the most emasculating and imaginative faux-injury possible to foist upon the Captain. Someone alert "Behind the Glory" of this crucial new addendum to the stabbing story: "Mighty Pierce felled by errant bicuspid in under-publicized eating mishap." Tony Battie is sure to offer valued incites!

So cheer up Celtics fans. No more need for those "Free William Ragland" signs at the TD Tanknorth Garden. This franchise just grew some balls. Ping Pong Balls!

Tanks for Nothing

2007-03-19T19:51:00.000-04:00

Contrary to popular belief, I want the Celtics to succeed. But I do have a tough time swallowing the idea that beating San Antonio for the first time in 17 years stands as any kind of meaningful development. To me, it never was anything more than a weird statistic that served as an example of how the lottery plays a huge role in building a winning NBA franchise.

So in that sense, finally defeating the Spurs in a game that further jeopardizes our impending draft position is all the more appropriate as an example of how fucked up the Celtics are run as an organization.

It takes three things to win in the NBA – money, balls (as in, “nerve”) and luck. Two first two of these things are in the owner’s hands (so to speak), and the third is overrated. That the Celtics have been perceived of as “cursed” or “unlucky” is simply a shorthand for acknowledging they’ve been chronically mismanaged by cheap owners who made a bad situation worse by refusing to take a financial hit while rebuilding the franchise correctly.

The Celtics have not had a clear-cut vision as a franchise since at least the early 90’s. During the current era (or “blog-era” as I’m starting to think of it) they lucked into Al Jefferson at #15, but they remain a team primarily comprised of talent drafted mid to late in the first round (or busts like Bassy who we traded a low lottery pick for). The team flirted with a marginal and shameful definition of success during the O’Brien era (typified by OB’s “we did play for a championship, the Eastern Conference Championship” quote), but it was with a team built out of hope, spare parts and an unearthly commitment to team defense. It was built to fall short, ultimately, and should rightfully have been dismantled ENTIRELY.

But instead, Ainge came in, traded Antoine for a headache, and we suffer to this moment, finding embarrassing joy in a meaningless regular season defeat over a declining Spurs team that has won three NBA championships over a period of time where the Celtics have won exactly three playoff series. Yeah. Exactly. Pop a fucking cork.

Which brings me to the point of this whole thing. Why the fuck are the Celtics winning games? We have within our grasp the one single opportunity to turn the franchise around and bring some purpose to the suffering the fans have endured for lo these endless seasons. Yet, suddenly we’re playing like the 38 win team we’re destined to be, beating crappy lotto teams and keeping it close against superior squads. And yes, taking down the Spurs on a good night.

Whatever. We must tank. We have to tank. There is nothing to be gained from not tanking. Do people truly believe poor cuddly Delonte and dim witted Big Al are going to lose faith and crumble as men (and ball players) if Paul Pierce comes down with back-spasms and suddenly Allen Ray gets 32 minutes a night? Please. These guys play for a paycheck, first and foremost, and any mental trauma they may incur during this season will be well and duly offset by having a franchise center stabilizing the defense and turning this team into a real playoff threat.

You see, basketball players are not, in the real world, the loveable, fragile altruists that fans project their epic fantasies of redemption, fraternity and fairness upon. Basketball players are either talented or untalented, smart or dumb, driven or lazy. Just like you and me! It’s not magic, really. For the most part, players can play on a bad team one year and on a good team the next. It depends on the mix of talent around them, the coaching, and whether or not their skills fit the system.

Rarely, as in the case of Magic or Bird or Shaq or LeBron (kind of), one guy can come in and turn the whole thing around. A guy who won’t tolerate losing and who has the talent to make everyone around him better. If we had a guy like that, I could buy the argument that his mind and spirit might be warped by a tank job.

But we do not have one of those guys. We have a bunch of guys for whom no one will weep should they finish with the 2nd worst record in the NBA securely in their grasp. We do have a bunch of guys, however, who might actually be worth watching next year if the best player among them is named Greg Oden.

And that’s why these dipshits who run this team ought to grow a pair of balls and do everything they can to make it happen.

"Taint that a shame" - Lakers 122 Celtics 96

2007-02-24T02:13:00.002-05:00

A grim lesson in the ugly realities of the NBA food chain, tonight the Lakers abused the hapless Celtics with such ease and facility that it truly seemed as if they were playing two different sports. For the Lakers, it was professional basketball – with their workmanlike squad of NBA journeymen surrounding the supernova glow of Kobe Bryant, they were an unspectacular but well oiled machine, competently executing at all facets of the game. For the Celtics, it seemed as if they were playing charades, with their limitations in skill and physical ability serving as a point of contrast from which their effort seemed nothing more than the game of children emulating the play of a real team. In short, at one point I wrote in my notes – it’s the fucking Washington Generals.

The first quarter encapsulated the reason why the persistently hopeful Kool-aid crew believe this team is “a player away.” The Celtics were aggressive, ran the floor and moved the ball. But it was simply a matter of the Lakers, particularly Kobe, taking the game seriously, and soon enough they claimed a lead that they never relinquished. Kobe had 22 in the first quarter, abusing Paul Pierce to such a degree that the captain seemed rattled and broken to a degree that even this hard heart felt a tinge of pity.

By the third quarter, the reserves were playing big minutes and the Laker announcers were reduced to reminding the audience about upcoming schedule changes and the fact that the late Dennis Johnson played his college ball up the road at Pepperdine. The LA announcers generally try to put a positive spin on their opponent’s efforts, particularly as the Lakers had lost six in a row, but tonight it was a whole lot of “Talk to me when they beat a real team.”

On the player side of things, Gerald Green scored 21 of the most meaningless points ever witnessed in a professional basketball contest. Rondo flailed around like a rugby player in a cricket match (meanwhile Marcus Williams scored 19 points on 7-10 shooting tonight in New Jersey). Telfailure somehow went 1-7, but most who watched the game barely remember him being on the floor. Pierce looked like a slow, dazed, 5th generation facsimile of Kobe, Al Jefferson continued to compile impressive stats in losing games, and Leon Powe attempted a career high 10 free throws.

In short, it was every bit the waste of a Friday night in LA many observers feared it would be. Thankfully, it was cold out and raining, and even great men like Garry Shandling and David Duchovney suffered along with us.

Player of the Game - Kobe Bryant. An unimaginative choice with his 38pts 9 assists, but he bitch whipped the Celtics so badly in the 1st quarter that he wins simply for serving as an illustration as why it takes a truly transcendent talent at the guard position to qualify as a “franchise player.” That and beating a rape rap.

Hamcock – Delonte West. In the few games I’ve seen this year, it’s been shocking to see how much Delonte has regressed. His numbers might be respectable, but he just makes lots of dumb plays and seems to try to do far too much. The CelticsDoom battle cry has been, for years, “get the ball out of Pierce’s hands and into a real playmaker’s.” We formally add Delonte’s name to the list of players whose hands the ball should be taken out of.

Quote of the Night - “He took a great all star in Paul Pierce and made him look like, ‘what’s he doing on the same court with me?’” Paul Westphal in the post game, talking about Kobe. With the relatively sober analysis of the Lakers announcers, I couldn’t cull a single brokeback-esque malapropism to make an immature joke out of. A tragedy of sorts, truly. But as for the quote, Westphal was right on the money, even though he’s a tired old smug fuck with bad hair and cheesy jewelry. The Celtics should have enjoyed the local beaches, took a stroll down the 3rd street promenade, and just forfeited the fucking game, for all it mattered tonight.

Kings of the Road Loss

2007-02-21T03:24:00.000-05:00

We missed the game, of course, but Intern Bob Dylan reports –

“Were no Kings on the court tonight. Just two losing teams smacking each other in the head until one got too dizzy to stand. Gerald Green wore a golden bib from his pie eating contest and showed he ain’t learned a thing about baking bread. Of course this team already has its share of bakers and candlestick makers. Minor men like Gomes and West, who know the recipe but can’t be counted on to feed a hungry crowd in a professional cafeteria. We got plenty of them. What we need now are angry jackals and lottery sharks - beasts with nerves of steel, low body fat and a consistent outside jumper.”

And in a hastily assembled follow up cable he tells us:

“It’s no secret that the winds of sin blow from the West and that the city of trees has brought out the worst in the franchise before (scroll down). But tonight at least Corrine Grousbeck kept her pack of sad Cinderellas and Hatchet MILF’s away from the players locker room, allowing them to change out of their failure soaked gameworns and into their travel pants in peace. I don’t know whether the Maloof brothers were pestered in the owners box for shoulder autographs and complementary snack foods, but only a fool would think millionaires wives get rich from buying their own Carl’s Jr. burgers.”

Indeed. Thanks Bob!

Also, the Associated Press reports - “Actor Donnie Wahlberg watched from a front-row seat near Boston's bench his annual Sacramento pilgrimage to see his beloved Celtics. Rondo nearly landed in his lap in the fourth quarter while diving to save a ball.”

Sounds like Mark sent big brother Donnie on a snipe hunt while he preps for his impending Oscar win, but it’s good to see “Super” fan making the trip up north to support the ever more pointless cause. Huzzuh for Team Wahlberg. Go Departed! Go Saw 7! Go home!

Kiss my assets

2007-02-17T20:15:00.000-05:00

Few things in life are as dispiriting as being patronized by the dim witted and wealthy, so news that Wyc Grousbeck was handing out free “inspirational” literature to the Celtics squad during their recent losing streak, struck us hard here at the nearly abandoned CelticsDoom HQ. We needed to respond quickly and without equivocation, so we’ve dispatched our new intern Dr. Bob Dylan to spread the word of Grousbeck-ian folly.

Dr. Bob writes exclusively to us at our hideout in Satan Monica, CA to explain his disdain: “Wyc ain’t a man so much as a slinky beast that crawls on his belly, jiving up the ghosts in the rafters with a bunch of California whores dressed in green pasties and hot pants, like some kind of carnival of the damned and/or easily entertained.” We concur. Thanks for reviving us with your hard work, Bob.

Anyway, as the NBA trade deadline approaches and Celtics fans scurry to concoct all manner of unbelievable trade nonsense, we present as a public service, the CelticsDoom "assets" chart, presented in order of descending value.

Trade "Value" 2007

2007 Number one pick – undoubtedly the only “asset” of the Celtics that teams are actually calling to inquire about, the quandary of course is that by shipping it out for an established player, the pick immediately becomes devalued. So if someone is looking to acquire the pick simply to enter the Oden sweepstakes, it’s unlikely they can give us something worthwhile in return. Outside of Jason Kidd, I don’t see any player on the block who will turn this team into anything resembling a winner, but getting Gasol or Vince Carter or someone along those lines would probably knock us back into 4th or 5th lotto position. Thus, management is faced with either 1) taking a chance by being very bad at getting someone very good, or 2) trading a semi-valuable pick for a semi-valuable player.

Al Jefferson – as valuable as one can be after “starring” during an 18 game losing streak, Big Al still remains an enigma to fans and the rest of the league. Yes, he had gaudy rebounding numbers, but watching him go for 21/6 while still being destroyed by Elton Brand in early February is enough to give even his boosters pause. Al is not going to land a great player all on his own, so it’s likely he’d have to be packaged with the pick in order to land a top 20 talent. If that’s what Memphis is asking for in exchange for Gasol, I can understand Ainge’s reluctance. However, if Al and Green and a protected pick/future pick are the cost, he’s fucking nuts for not making that deal.

Theo Ratliff – a kind-of expiring deal MIGHT be tempting to a team that is looking to shed some money down the road, but it’s hardly the great silver bullet some have made it out to be. Theo is still a gold star for Wyc’s bean counters, the $10 million man who cost us Brandon Roy and inflicted us with Sebastian Telfailure. Here’s hoping he at least fulfilled Wyc’s “good character” demands.

Gerald Green – barely worth anything on his own. We have learned this year that Gerald is not a basketball player in any self-respecting sense of the word. Until he gets some brains and consistency, he’s a pot sweetener at best.

Paul Pierce – Pierce’s perceived value is probably at an all time high, but his savage contract extension and the fact that there are so few teams that have the right parts to exchange make the task of trading him daunting. The only winning team with anything to offer is the Bulls, and they don’t really want/need him. Phoenix is an outside possibility, but salary concerns make them unlikely as well.

Delonte West – Delonte’s stock has plummeted in the hearts of Celtics fans, bringing his perceived value on Celticsblog closer to what the rest of the league thought about him all along. He’s a spare part.

Rondo – Rondo has a strange and at times, oddly compelling, game at the moment, but some GM might find his potential as a shorter, weaker, worse shooting Marcus Banks appealing enough to toss a precious 2nd rounder Ainge’s way.

Tony Allen – we hear that the going rate around the league for our favorite inmate is two cartons of Kools. I know, I know, he was good for 10 games. But he’s a spastic ball hog without a brain, and no one in the league will touch him.

As for the rest, they are fundamentally untradeable and/or worthless. Unfortunately for those who believe in the Ainge “assets” myth, a bunch of crappy players cannot be combined to get one good one. These are men, not carbon nanotubes. They don’t gain value when joined together.

So what should we do?

This franchise is completely fucked, from top to bottom. Assuming that a Pierce trade is a no-go (which is still the best course of action if you care about this team over the next ten years), the only option now is to trade away everything we can to make this squad less of a complete embarrassment and more of a benign headache.

Trading Jefferson for Gasol makes a lot of sense, simply because Jefferson will be lucky to ever be anything close to that caliber of player. Gasol is a legit top 20 talent that you can actually build a team around. With Pierce and our cut-rate glue guys they’d be adequate to compete in the east.

I still think Kidd makes more sense, simply because he accomplishes the most important goal – that is, to get the ball out of Pierce’s hands and maximize the limited talents of Ainge’s bargin basement supporting cast. It’s unlikely New Jersey wants to move him within the division however, so it’s probably moot.

The most important move for the future, however, is holding on to the number one pick. The chance of landing Oden is simply too powerful an incentive to make a rash move this late in the season, and the accumulating value of the pick as the team continues to lose makes it all the more crucial to hold on. If by some stroke of fortune the Celtics could win the Oden sweepstakes AND trade for a Gasol or Kidd type vet, then Ainge will walk ass backwards into a respectable legacy.

The sad fact is that the good teams in the NBA have profited from the draft lottery and already have their untradeable impact types under lock and key. The Celtics need to take the chance at finding their own savior in the ping pong balls, and let luck redeem the franchise from the past decade (plus) of chronic mismanagement and a complete lack of vision.

Spam is the idle man's big night on the town

2006-11-28T14:23:00.000-05:00

Now that we know everything we need about cardiologists and Pinochet...

Anyway, I don't know what that was all about. I assume it's a disgruntled Kool-aid'er, perhaps "Gant,"expressing through performance art his distaste over watching a mid-lottery "team" flail around on the basketball court in a grim impersonation of 11 brain damaged hamsters, a zombie, and a declining Paul Pierce. The again, it could be Wyc putting the Dance Squad to work on their nights off from shaking their tits at disgruntled season ticket holders and/or stripping at the Fuzzy Grape. "Idle hands are the devil's bad character builder," or so we imagine Wyc believes. Case in point, remember that time Tony Allen told a bawdy anecdote replete with hand gestures to Marcus Banks on the bench in full view of the entire FSNE audience? Those 29 people were witness to horrors they'll carry with them all their lives. That was certainly not part of Wyc's plagiarized vision of a Total Entertainment Experience.

But whatever the case is with these morons, it has happened to better blogs than this, and we will persevere. And sorry I wasn't on top of it, I've been busy with trying to not go bankrupt, and also, this lack of internet access thing is a bitch and a half. If it (the spam) continues I guess we'll have to go to blogger comments or something. Anyone with any suggestions, feel free to email.

Also, BIG NEWS! CelticsDoom is returning to the east coast for a few days and will provide exclusive coverage of three upcoming games. Yes, the return of the Hamcock, the Quote of the Night, and fatigue-driven taint humor. Myself or Will Roberts will provide you with the pertinent info as the day approaches!

As for now, the quest for the 10th pick in the draft continues apace. Pau Gasol rumors = slow day at the office for Danny boy. I imagine the reaction from Memphis was one of condescending mirth. But that's our Danny. We predict a drunken midnight text message to Jim Paxson offering Leon Powe and a lottery protected #1 for LeBron James and five 2nd rounders. "This deal gives the Cavs a reliable back up in case Drew Gooden goes down." Message boarders rejoice!

But, we give credit where it's due, supposedly Ainge gave the "we're going to get worse before we get better" jive to an SI hack, indicating that perhaps he is of the mind to tank the season, something we wholeheartedly support. Also, big ups to our pal Jeff at Celticsblog for iterating to the masses the need to keep our pick, or at very least, not trade it without top 10 protection. Kool-aid or no, next year's draft is crucial to this team ever emerging from the mire of mediocrity, something we all want to see.

Yeah. So anyway, please don't let these spam fuckheads deter our good time.

Differential Diagnosis

2006-11-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

We knew it was going to be ugly this season, but who’d have predicted that the Celtics would develop into a collection of medical mysteries so bizarre that even TV's “House” and his crack staff would be perplexed? CelticsDoom presents, as a public health service, the following diagnoses for our ailing squad in green.

Telfailure – “Bronchospasms,” and an obvious lack of size, motivation and intelligence. Danny Ainge thanks the latter day saints for Brandon Roy and his orthopedic boot, otherwise David Stern would likely intercede and turn the team over to this blog and/or a random number generator before the all-star break. In other words, “Worst Trade Ever.” An honorary hamcock to the first fan with a “Telfair sucks my Dickau” sign at the TDBKG.

Al Jefferson – first he loses his heart, then his brains (aka “footwork”), and now his appendix. The winner in all of this? Clifford Ray, who in the minds of Celtics fans has gone from being “off-season fix-it-all cipher” to the cipher who must be somehow to blame for our young big men’s ghastly regression. But with Al on the shelf for four weeks, at least he’ll just be blamed for Perk. Our advice, check Al's stomach for a twisted screw.

Theo Ratliff – mummification. Yes, poor Theo’s roughly 84 years in the NBA has left naught but zombie-fied remains, and these strike fear only in the hearts of ignorant townspeople and men in the paint under 5’ 9”. But don’t despair, in giving up Brandon Roy for Theo and Telfair, we can at least be comforted that watching those two flail away in a humiliating simulacrum of the game of basketball has saved $11 million for our billionaire owners. As the old saying goes, you don’t become rich by writing a lot of checks. Philanthropy is a choice!

Doc Rivers – alcoholism? Brain death? We’re not sure, but the self-destructive patterns might indicate some kind of grim alliance with devil liquor, or perhaps just an empty head. In less than three years Coc has gone from “lucky we got him” into ML Carr without the goofiness or tacit mission to fail. We’re picking January 8th as the over/under line for Doc suddenly “finding family” in the way that the great Stan Van Gundy did last year. The funny part will be watching the owners trying to lowball whatever poor slob gets picked to babysit this trainwreck for the rest of the season. Our OFFICIAL guess, a presser hitting the fax on December 20th including the words ”Tony Brown,” “new direction,” and “interim.”

Wally – knee, shin, bone-on-bone, etc. Danny’s track record with white men is about as bad as Madonna’s. Seriously, Sean Penn - “Shanghai Surprise,” Warren Beatty -“Dick Tracy..’ Guy Ritchie – “Swept Away” AND “Revolver.” Uggh. Danny has Dickau, Raef, Pittsnoggle, Scalaburine and now Wally. Sure, our compulsive ass-slapper makes an amusing “hyper team guy” who gushes about Paul Pierce in the post-game interview like a ten year discussing the new Harry Potter book, but at $10 million a year? When the fuck is Ainge going to get called out for constantly acquiring pricey damaged goods in the name of jettisoning pricey head-cases? We’ll be shocked if Wally World plays in over 70 games this year.

Tony Allen – mental retardation? As often as we have speculated about Inmate #42 playing for the Riker’s Island Cell-Block D squad, we admit, the way he’s played this year he might not make the team. It sucks because we were looking forward to one of those woefully misguided Hoopshype prison-league bios that try to put a happy face on hardened criminals getting their game on behind bars. But unlike Shits Rivers, even a prison league coach would have the sense to bench Tony Allen. “Fuck him up” indeed.

For those worried about their own health, take heart, at least the season is 1/16th over.

whore nets a loss

2006-11-01T22:57:00.000-05:00

C’s honor the memory of Red Auerbach and inaugurate the 2006/07 season in the most fitting way possible – a loss at home to a lottery team. The Sebastian Telfair era begins in earnest with a veteran-type contribution of 5 points 1 assist and 2 turnovers. Meanwhile Brandon Roy already has 6 points and 1 assist with 1:05 to go in the first quarter of the Portland/Seattle game.

The key phrase of the evening was “Small Ball,” as in, one of the many things we’re likely to find in Doc River’s skull cavity in lieu of a brain. Celticsblog calls it “gutsy.” We call it “nutsy.” This team might actually make the playoffs with a competent coach, but with Shits at the helm they have all the promise for glory and triumph as the Bataan Death March.

In other news, Paul Pierce is a beast but still can’t hit free throws. Rondo appears a cut above Orien Greene. 2006 Accountemps 6th star award winner Delonte West wins the first unofficial Hamcock of the season.

As for the play by play, my means of observing the competition were limited, but it was clear that the C’s were definitely a different team after halftime. Unfortunately, that team isn’t really all that good either. All in all, a likely harbinger of a gruesome season ahead.

This is based on sitting in a dark room and hitting “refresh” on the Yahoo box score page for two and a half hours. Anyone who actually watched the game, please contribute below. And anyone else, of course.

...but the Dance Squad is certain to entertain

2006-10-31T17:50:00.000-05:00

For many, the highlight of last season was the night Doc had intestinal distress and had to sit on a toilet in the locker room while the Celtics lost to the Hawks, giving birth to the most apt nickname in sports, “Shits Rivers.” It was a moment of grand absurdity and embarrassment that served as a powerful metaphor for the Celtics franchise and where it stood (or sat) last season. Expect this metaphor to hold water (so to speak) for this upcoming season as well.

If there is any justice in the universe, 2006/07 will be the end of Shits Rivers and the Danny Ainge era. The squad as comprised is a laughable iteration of last year’s fiasco, and with no improvement in sight, fans are likely to start booing the home team sometime in January. This will, of course, precipitate a desperate trade for a washed up/disgruntled veteran (Antoine III anyone?), and the downward spiral will unfold predictably. By 2008 it will be acceptable to bitch about Pierce’s unmoveable contract, and by 2010 these fucknut owners will have moved on to ruin some other business enterprise.

As for now, you cannot look at this team and say it has improved at all from last season. For all the off-season bluster about veteran talent and good character, it became painfully obvious how completely (titty )fucked we were when management spun the humiliating Telfair trade as their successful acquisition of a “veteran point guard.” Of course, this is a guy who was playing high school ball two years ago, and last year couldn’t beat out a journeyman and a rookie for minutes on the worst team in the NBA.

The rest of the roster is essentially the same, only a year older. We have the one bad-kneed white stiff replacing another, we have the mortal remains of Theo Ratliff, and, of course, the human Hamcock, Brian Scalaburine. We are so bad off that Mike Olowokandi won a roster spot in open competition.

And what’s good? Only the same things we had last year: Gomes, Delonte and Perk. Each one of these guys is solid but very limited, and we root for them because they have heart and character and we want them to succeed, but not because we think they’re extraordinarily talented or capable.

The only real x-factors we have this season, the players that COULD make a difference if they work out for the best, are Rondo, Gerald Green and Al Jefferson. IF Rondo can shoot consistently and be a real playmaker, IF Gerald Green gets minutes and turns into an explosive scorer off the bench, IF Big Al gets his head out of his ass and gives us a real threat in the paint – these things could salvage the season and put us in the playoffs. I leave it to you to determine if these If’s are likely to occur.

As for everything else, it all sucks, but these are the things that should concern us the most:

Pierce Plateau – last season Pierce put in a season that shut up all of us (myself included) who berated the decline in his game and his histrionics during the Indiana playoff disaster. For stretches during the middle of the season, he played like a truly elite superstar, single handedly preventing the Celtics from complete implosion. Still, even with our de-facto franchise player cruising along at the top of his game, there were only five teams that finished with worse records. Now, another year older and with a fat contract extension, what is the chance that Pierce duplicates last season? How many wins do we get with Paul Pierce plateau-ing as a talent and the rest of the team remaining painfully mediocre?

The Coc Factor – Doc Rivers is the worst coach in professional basketball, and until he is fired, this collection of marginal talent is never going to jell into anything cohesive. His preseason declaration about not having a set rotation should strike a chord of panic in the hearts of Celtics fans everywhere. We can now expect another bullshit season where players get jerked around for minutes and Coc’s ridiculous head-games make it impossible for anyone to get into a groove and define their role. And, oh yeah, don’t forget about “small ball.” Look for Perk, Jefferson, and Gerald Green to suffer most from Coc’s stupidity. Look for Inmate #42, Scalaburine and Telfair to play far more minutes than any of us can stomach.

Defense – There isn’t any. The presumed staring five of Pierce, Wally, Telfair, Gomes and Perk is, to be charitable, a tad weak defensively. Pierce and Wally are slow and indifferent, Telfair is small and dumb, Gomes is outsized, and Perk is a foul magnet. Delonte and Rondo will be okay guarding small guards, but Tony Allen’s crack baby attention span will spell inconsistency, and everyone else on the bench is a liability. Plus, we still don’t have the dominant defensive rebounder we need to play up-tempo offense.

Point Guard – The most laughable disaster of the off-season was the Telfair trade, a move of such short sighted stupidity that it ranks up there with giving up a lottery pick for Vitaly Potapenko. Rookie Rondo has already embarrassed Telfair in the preseason, and one day people will marvel at a cost analysis stratagem that determined losing one season of Raef LaFrentz was worth passing up on Brandon Roy. As for Rondo, those (such as Bill Simmons) who are ready to anoint him a future HOF, are advised to review the many foolish comments made last year about another pre-season standout who was eventually exposed by real game competition - Orien Greene. My guess is Rondo ends up being adequate, but Ainge still looks like a fool for trading two #1’s to acquire two undersized PG’s with questionable shooting ability and no proven track record of running an NBA offense.

And then there are the bad X-factors. Like injury, malaise, trade demands, an entire team quitting on an incompetent coach. If even one of those hits this squad, it ain’t going to be pretty. Watch out.

Prediction – 30-52

Insert Shit-Talk Here

2006-10-26T19:37:00.000-04:00

The great Marcel Mutoni was nice enough to include my hastily assembled thoughts on this brutal disaster of a Celtics team in his Slam Online preview thingy. The hate has already started flowing from the Kool Aid Kids, so feel free to contribute below.

As for me, sorry about the long delay, but I’m still in CA and have to get my online service at wireless-ready coffee shops like some kind of pathetic grad student. It makes doing this a bit more difficult, but hopefully I’ll have a real season preview up in a couple days.

Until then, Go Dance Squad! (a.k.a “the Wyc-ettes”)

Uncomfortably Numb

2006-08-16T15:05:00.000-04:00

Highly respected Celtics Doom'er "Anonymous" expressed boredom with this interminable summer and asked for some discussion fodder on where the Celtics stand as of this moment, particularly if this hapless crew as currently composed can make the playoffs. This offseason has been difficult to write about because we're all expecting some polarizing Ainge trade distraction to go down before the season begins and send everyone into a flurry of confusion, but in lieu of saying something prescient, I will try to at least say something interesting.

At first glance, the 2006/07 Celtics appear to be even more fucked than usual. Ainge's foolhardy promise to acquire "veteran all-stars" and appease Paul Pierce in a way that $59 million apparently failed to do, has predictably blown up in his face, and we look to enter next season with a nearly identical cast of underachievers, only with an even younger and more unproven point guard. The myopic over-estimation of our young talent and a payroll bloated by four embarrassing contracts (Pierce, Wally, Ratliff, Scalaburine) have combined to transform Trader Ainge into the Great Flounder-er, and nothing short of this team winning 50 games will save him and Shits Rivers from seeking summer employment as TNT analysts, or better yet, FSN fan-casters.

The Iverson saga is probably (and hopefully) over, but as we have harped on endlessly, there is no trade Ainge can make that's going to turn this team around this season, simply because no one's available and we don't have the chips to get them even if they are. Any move will likely be cosmetic and probably financial. But it is interesting to ponder whether or not this embarrassing menagerie (or one quite similar to it) will somehow slip into the playoffs, and after a little thought I guess I'd have to vote "no." The problems we have are many and well documented, but there a few basic facts that cripple us from the get go.

1) We have no team identity outside of "mediocre schedule fillers." Ainge's original vision of a run-and-gun, hyper athletic Phoenix Suns East squad cannot be realized with the current "talent." We are inconsistent on the boards (and thus, cannot get the break started), we have no Nash-like ignition switch, and our celebrated "superstar in his prime" phases in and out of his commitment to run and share the ball. Instead, we're a collection of mismatched young bench players and overpaid white stiffs, anchored by an all-star swingman who defines the term "would make a great second option on a good team." We also don't play defense and are coached by an idiot. We also have fools for owners who are more interested in making kissy-face with their man-crushes than making the financial commitment (either at the gate or on the payroll) to building a winner.

2) We are an injury away from grave humiliation. Wally, Big Al, Perk and Delonte all proved to be unsettlingly frail last season, and each one of them needs to produce for this team to have a chance. Wally, in particular, seems destined for a Raef-like decline, and God help Little Wyc if his BFF Paul Pierce goes down for any extended period of time. Insert whatever joke you want there.

3) This happy camper shit can't last forever. The haphazard "Isiah on a reduced budget" assembly Ainge has wrought contains so much internal competition it seems inevitable that Wyc's high-character white-man's-burden dreams will devolve base-level canker and discontent. Delonte will lose minutes to Brokeback Bassy and Orien Rondo, Al and Gomes will lose minutes to each other while Scalaburine plays on, and as always, Perk is bound to get fucked. Add to this the putative expanded roles of Gerald Green, Inmate #42, (and the addition of Allen Ray), and we have a powder keg for pissy-ness and strife that will require much more than the manly morale-building ass-slaps of all-star veteran Wally Szczerbiak to overcome. They got away with it last year, but this season everyone's a year older, some guys are playing with contract extensions in mind, and with the amount of losing they look destined to endure, players are going to start questioning the sacrifice they make in name of the untenable direction the team is heading.

The other side of the coin is that there are so many question marks with the team, that perhaps they resolve themselves positively, rather than with our worst assumptions.
It seems almost impossible for Al Jefferson to have a worse season than last year, so perhaps he shapes up and answers our questions at the PF. Maybe Brokebassy thrives in the alleged running game and gives us a legit up-tempo instigator. Maybe Delonte and Gomes will prove once and for all that solid 3 and 4 year college types with high Bball IQ's and good basic skills are more valuable than raw lottery talents. Maybe these guys overachieve, win 42 games and eek into the playoffs.

And then again, maybe not.

The Young and the Worthless

2006-07-26T16:02:00.000-04:00

The grim summer of 2006 continues with the underwhelming-yet-apt news that summer league wash-out Kevin Pittsnoggle will soon throw his hat in the ring to vie for the title of Celtics "minimum wage roster filler" du jour. It is classic Ainge marginalia, a heavily tattooed shiny object to dazzle the fans as he sifts amidst the garbage that litters the NBDL and summer leagues to find some brand new fool for us all to hang our hopes on.

For us critics, head-scratching signings such as Pittsnoggle only raise more questions about the fact that the Celtics are in the curious position of paying $58 million a year for a roster that contains exactly two healthy players who have started regularly in the NBA, but includes 12 players with less than 4 years of NBA experience.

And, unlike other teams that stockpile young, lottery pick type talent, we have among our 12 young players not a single one who projects as an unquestionable, legitimate NBA starter. For all of Danny's vaunted drafting prowess, his picks are still lesser talents who seem like "steals" because they get playing time and do not completely embarrass themselves.

These guys are role players searching for a team that needs their specific talents. They are not blue-chip impact players to build a team around, nor are they valued enough in the league to make alluring trade bait. They are mostly average to better-than-average, and are of greatest value to team ownership because they are cheap and easy to pimp to the fanbase as "the future." This spin is eagerly consumed by frustrated fans, and those of us who say otherwise are branded as sour and negative.

An internet commentator recently stated that the Celtics have "the finest collection of young talent in the NBA." Sour or not, I need to disagree. While they may have the MOST young talent, it's certainly not the best, or "finest." The best/finest talent belongs to the Orlando Magic who have two cornerstone players (Nelson and Howard) ready to have a team built around them. Or the Bulls who have players around the same age of the Celtics youngsters, only they have an Olympian (Heinrich) a 6th man of the year (Gordon) and a future all-star (Deng). Even woefully mismanaged Atlanta has potential all-stars in the two Josh's and Marvin Williams.

The Celtics young players are either average NBA role players or unformed question marks. They are not the lottery talents needed to build a winner.

Delonte West – a best case scenario pick at #24, he is the kind of guy who would make a solid 7th man on a good playoff team. His hustle and attitude are a joy, but his lack of size hurts him at the two, and he has shown that he lacks the playmaking ability to be a legit point guard. He enters this season looking at losing his starting job to Telfair or, eventually, to Rondo.

Kendrick Perkins – Ainge's only unqualified steal in the draft, Perk still has too many question marks surrounding his ability to fit in team offensive and defensive schemes to pencil him as our starting center of the future. He'd probably be farther along were it not for Coc's mishandling, but he's still inconsistent and seems a borderline starter at best. That Ainge, Wyc and co are dicking around with his contract extension only enforces this perception.

Tony Allen – Inmate #42 is Coc's golden boy, but he vacillates so wildly between "energetic defensive presence" and "spastic disaster" that it really seems unlikely that he'll ever mature into a reliable starting player. He can't shoot, he can't play the point, and he makes far too many mistakes for a 4-year college guy. His legal problems and spotty play have reduced his trade value to zero.

Ryan Gomes – like Delonte, another terrific, all-around good guy who happens to be too small to play his natural position. Ryan has great instincts and high basketball IQ, but in all likelihood he will never start regularly as a power forward for the Celtics. Being that he is one of those guys who gets his numbers in the natural flow of the game, his stats are likely to plummet if he returns to the bench this season. Poor Ryan needs a right situation (a la Bruce Bowen), and the Celtics are not it.

Sebastian Telfair – who knows, really. He might be our starting PG, he might be traded for Iverson, he might sit on the bench behind Delonte and Rondo. I don't think all that highly of Sassy, but he looked decent enough during the summer leagues to win some converts. One thing everyone can agree upon, he needs to make a quantum leap this season to become a regular starting NBA point guard.

Al Jefferson – similar, he could start, get traded, or fester on the bench. One could argue that he couldn't have a worse year than last, but summer league observers are reportedly preparing themselves for Al's implosion to reach singularity this season. My guess is that Ainge is shopping him big-time. Even at best, however, Al more and more looks like he'll be a destitute man's Elton Brand, and not the 20/10 guy some thought he'd develop into.

Gerald Green – the enigma. Gerald could become an all-star or be out of the league in five years and neither would shock me. Unfortunately, with the grotesque Pierce extension and a team full of shooting guards, Gerald will have to prove himself immediately invaluable or he's likely to be trade bait. Being that he's still young and seems a bit soft, mentally, he'll probably need time and patience to develop into a great player, and that is time and patience which the Celtics will not provide him.

Allen Ray – hahhahahaha. Yeah, whatever.

Leon Powe – you can root for a guy, you can wish him the best, you can hold your hands up to the sky and demand the universe to explain why a fuckhead like Drew Gooden makes millions of dollars a year while a good guy like Leon Powe ruptures his ACL twice. Unfortunately, none of this will make Leon an NBA player.

Rondo – Ainge's pet pick. Another one who could be starting on the big team or in the NBDL and neither would be surprising.

Dwayne Jones – seeya.

The point is, by failing to commit to a true rebuilding project through the lottery, the Celtics are left in a position where mediocrity breeds more mediocrity. With the Pierce signing, they now have to jettison the few promising players they have (Gerald, DW, Gomes) in order to get some immediate help, only the kind of immediate help they are reportedly seeking (Iverson, Gooden) is unlikely to make them a winner. The rest of the roster, meanwhile, is populated by embarrassing late 1st round or 2nd round "finds" that get contrived 3 year semi-guaranteed deals that do nothing more than fulfill the ache of Ainge's scouting jones.

A comprehensive rebuilding project that would have added lottery talent to the mix of role players described above would have put this team in a position to compete within five years. By failing to either shit or get off the pot, Ainge and Wyc have ensured that these upcoming five years are likely to be as frustrating as the last 20.

The Price is Never Right

2006-07-14T15:10:00.000-04:00

And so we reach the beginning of the very end.

The Celtics have locked up Paul Pierce to a mammoth contract extension, a move based on little more than Wyc Grousbeck's stubborn belief that a franchise is better served by a recognizable face putting asses in seats than it is by an honest rebuilding effort. Pierce will play the next five years in green, consuming around a third of the team's projected payroll, and will likely wind up as the only Celtic to have his number retired without ever being part of a championship team (or dying young).

Meanwhile, news of the re-signing indicates that Allen Iverson must be on the way, and if this trade goes down it will serve as the ruinous culmination of the worst off-season the Celtics franchise has had since it hired Rick Pitino in 1997, and he promptly eviscerated a team of serviceable Bird-era remnants in favor of bottom-of-the-barrel UK loyalists like Walter McCarty and Ron Mercer. Pitino's years as GM cut a swath of death and decay on the franchise's fortunes that lingers to this day, but the Ainge/Wyc summer of 06 will likely destroy the Celtics' hopes for a championship well into the next decade.

Part I – Allen Iverson

One of the fascinatingly naïve assertions we find Celtics fans making regarding an Iverson deal, is that an AI trade would be okay "if the price is right." As in, if we don't trade too much of our young "talent," the chance to acquire a first-ballot HOF'er is too great to pass up. This line of thinking is classic fantasy basketball stuff, the same kind of masturbatory myopia liars like Wyc Grousbeck depend on when they decide that a big splash in the offseason will appease fans who have to suffer through interminable 33 win seasons buffeted with cheap lies and spin from the front office.

It is this constant illusion of progress mixed with a palliative of Heinsohn/FSN bullshit that they offer every year, and sadly we see far too many fans eat it up for fear of facing the fact that maybe they were wrong to trust these snake oil salesmen in the first place. Of course, the results on the court are all that matters, and an AI trade will result in a an overt debacle with the only positive repercussion being that it will likely drive these lying fucks out of town.

It's not that Iverson is a bad player or that the "talent" the Celtics would need to move is all that valuable. Iverson, of course, is a future HOF'er and one of the most remarkable individual performers to ever play the game. He and Bill Russell are probably the two greatest examples of players who most maximized their natural ability over the course of their NBA careers to create an impact far beyond their more naturally gifted peers. Unfortunately, while Russell's legacy was that of the ultimate team player and (because of that) champion, Iverson's career has been spent devouring the identity of the "team" that surrounds him and producing a freakishly impressive resume of individual dominance that contrasts directly with his inability to play well with others.

An Iverson/Pierce combo would be a debacle the likes of which the Celtics have never experienced. From a purely basketball standpoint, the development of our young players would cease immediately, and instead we would have an offense centered on two of the league's biggest ballhogs trying to score thirty plus points a night because their "supporting cast" clearly cannot be trusted. There would be epic amounts of lip service paid between the two stars about shared captaincy and the Celtics being "their team," but in reality Allen Iverson's ego would consume the team concept and Paul Pierce would have to either chose between being his bitch or entering an endless war of attrition. In either case, the team would have an immediate ceiling of around 45 wins, and no real hope of ever improving.

To wit: Iverson has never played on a winning team where he shared the floor with another player who scored over 16 points a game. The 2001 team that made it to the Finals was basically a collection of rebounders and one-dimensional defensive specialists (Eric Snow, Mutombo, George Lynch, Tyrone Hill, Derek McKee) dominated by Iverson's monolithic offense.

Iverson has only played with a 20 point scorer twice his career, most recently last season with Chris Webber, on a team that finished out of the playoffs. The other time was in Iverson's rookie year when he played with a high scoring swingman with a game similar to Paul Pierce, Jerry Stackhouse, and the team finished 22-60.

People seem to forget that the Sixers acquired Chris Webber with a similar idea about pairing up all-star talents, and Webber, one of the most accomplished passing big-men in the game, went fucking nuts trying to "fit in" with AI. Pierce, on the other hand, has a skill set that is much more similar to AI, and thus, would never be able to make his game mesh. Add to the mix an incompetent coach like Doc Rivers, and… well, you get the idea.

That's why there is simply no room to improve. What kind of "top free agent" would be attracted to this situation, assuming we could even pay them after forking over $40 million a year for Pierce and AI? What kind of development of the youth can occur in this case? Are we hoping Big Al turns into Danny Fortson or somehow Ryan Gomes becomes Bruce Bowen? Is this what Ainge's "vision" was all about?

Part Two – Less is More

I have a much different vision of what this summer could have been, and it breaks my heart that it now can never come to pass. Imagine this: we keep our pick and draft Brandon Roy, and instead of drafting Rondo we pick up Marcus Williams. We trade Pierce to the Bulls for Chris Duhon and the Bulls 2007 (the switcheroo one with the Knicks). We field a team this year of Duhon/West/Perk/Wally/Gomes, with a bench of AJ/GG/Marcus Williams/Brandon Roy/Raef/Inmate42. This team is one of the worst teams in the league, but so are the Knicks, and so we go to Secaucus with 2 lottery picks and the best chance to land #1 and a shot at Greg Oden. But even if we don't get Oden, we have shitloads of "assets." Two lottery picks in the deepest draft in memory and a bunch of promising younger players. We can then cull the ones we want/need to keep and use the others to trade for the impact/superstar du jour who's on the block. Or we keep these guys and let them play together for three or four years, adding talent through the draft every year, and eventually having a decent homegrown team a la the Bulls.

We would keep moving forward, albeit slowly, but purposefully. In three years we would know if Gerald Green is going to be a star, or if Brandon Roy is the guy to put our money on, and move the one we have less faith in accordingly. We would find out how high Marcus Williams' ceiling is while still having a safety net of a solid PG like Chris Duhon. We could determine whether or not AJ is ever going to pan out, comforted that one of the big men we draft in 07 has legitimate promise in case he doesn't.

It would be slow but it would be continual forward progress, and it would present a more organic and realistic path to building a championship team than does gifting a shooting guard with $60 million and promising him to acquire a fellow all-star to oversee the impending train wreck.

In this scenario, we would do what smart teams do: assemble talent so you are ready when the opportunity arises to acquire impact players from teams looking to raze their foundation and start over. We would rebuild ourselves with legit lottery talent, not these late round/2nd round "gee they're not bad for where we got them" types. Most importantly, it would be an honest effort that fans could get behind, and if luck finally returned to this cursed franchise, it would eventually result in banner #17, but even if not, it would be a process we could understand and respect.

Many people will disagree with this notion and say all sorts of shitty things about how stupid I am (probably pointing out a misspelling to "prove" their point), but I ask them one thing - which team would you rather have in three years, a Pierce/Iverson quagmire, or the one I have described?

The Saddest Music In The Wyc

2006-06-29T17:16:00.000-04:00

I'm sick to my stomach. Last night was easily the worst I've felt about this team since the Vin Baker trade. We had a chance at establishing a young, solid backcourt of Brandon Roy (or Foye) and Marcus Williams (to go along with Delonte and Gerald Green), and instead wound up with two undersized point guards who can't shoot, one of whom was the third string PG for the worst team in the league.

Yes, this has all been said today by others, but it still bears repeating. In five years these draft night moves will be painful memories, as the players we passed up on develop into stars and our franchise continues to struggle. We have yet again foolishly squandered the opportunity to slowly develop a young core of players, and instead make personel moves in the name of appeasing an ownership group that equates "success" with "gate receipts."

In all of this, Danny Ainge is either an imbecile or a victim, or perhaps both. Either way, he's the custodian of this failure, and his reign is soon about to end.

The Big Dumb Telfair Trade

From a purely basketball standpoint, this was the worst and most short-sighted trade of the Ainge era. Swapping stiffs to save money is one thing, but I can't imagine there is anyone who truly believes that in 5 years Sebastian Telfair will be a better NBA player than Brandon Roy or Randy Foye. Of course, if you believe the spin, we are at such an evolved status as a franchise that we no longer can content ourselves with drafting the best player available, and instead have to trade "assets" for need. Because, remember, Paul Pierce is such a unique and rarified talent that he deserves a chance to play for a championship and these dumb moves will soon make that eminently possible.

It's all such bullshit, and last night was filled with the loud sound of scraping from the bottom of the barrel. During the pre-draft interview on FSN, Danny actually had the temerity to say that Telfair was a "veteran" of the sort that they were seeking out to improve the team. A veteran. Two years out of fucking high school with 136 games under his belt. Unless he's Chris Paul we're pretty much fucked, and believe me, he's not going to be Chris Paul.

So regardless of the insulting spin coming out of "Celtics Draft HQ" on FSN, the reality is that this deal was mostly based on saving Wyc's Daddy's money. We sacrificed a top pick to ship off the 2nd most embarrassing contract of the Ainge era for a sorta-soon-to-be-expiring deal that seems tailor made to either pad the Iverson deal immediately, or to sit on the books until 2009 when the team's payroll will cut nearly in half and Wyc's consortium of Generation W failures can cut bait and fade back into the moneyed ether from whence they came. Get ready for draft-day retrospectives where we watch Brandon R.O.Y and Randy Foye's recent exploits on a highlight reel juxtaposed with the losing records of the teams that passed them by. We will be one of those teams. And Sebastian Telfair will look all the smaller.

Iverson

More on AI soon, I have an epic piece in the works, but last night had some gems from the spin cycle that deserve some attention.

1) Mike Gorman actually said the following in response to Dickerson's query about whether or not AI and Pierce could play together: "Absolutely. If Paul Pierce could play with Ricky Davis (rueful laugh), he can play with Allen Iverson." What the FUCK is that? Wasn't RickyD this wonderful player and a great kid and a reformed super-duper Celtic and all that goddamn bullshit not 7 fucking months ago? RickyD was something of a ball hog, sure, but not nearly in the same class as Pierce, let alone Allen Iverson. For Gorman, it was a disgraceful moment for a man who should know much, much better.
2) This trade will be entirely about putting asses in seats, and when was the last time a trade like that ever worked? Oh yeah, when we killed a #1 pick to rent Antoine Walker. They even put a chart up on the FSN show that pointed out how Philly is the number 5 team in the league for attendance, averaging about 2000 more than the Celtics. AI is Wyc's easy way to guarantee robust ticket sales for the next three years, allowing him to re-sign his trophy buddy Pierce to an extension, get on ESPN a few times, and be able to brag to Mark Cuban about his club's power at the gate.

The Small Exceedingly Stupid Trade

The Rondo pick for next year's #1 was inexcusable and embarrassing. This is Ainge at his absolute worst – fixated on obscure talent he finds singular, unable to let it go. See Robert Swift, Marcus Banks, and Telfair. In the same embarrassing way that he seeks to prove his scouting ability by drafting under-heralded 2nd rounders who succeed as fringe NBA players (when everyone else figured they just plain sucked), he refuses to simply draft the best players available, instead harping on those semi-diamonds in the semi-rough that he's obsessed with polishing into stars. That's why he could never make a conventional pick like Randy Foye or Brandon Roy. They have no allure to his scouting heart, they are fully formed good players, and by picking them it marginalizes the only role as an executive he's comfortable with. His dream is to draft someone he finds under a rock who becomes the next LeBron James, allowing him to take sole credit for the team's turnaround. In this way he is the exact opposite of Larry Bird, who has contented himself with being a patient gardener, and for the most part has succeeded by not overreaching.

Rondo equals Orien Greene with a better college pedigree. That is it. For a fucking #1 pick.

Unfortunately, a 33 win team cannot afford these kind of indulgences. It needs talent, lots of it, and the patience to develop it. Last night was a serious step backwards.

Trouble Every Day

2006-06-23T10:52:00.000-04:00

First of all, sorry for yet again falling off the face of the planet, but this summer is going to probably have a couple more sudden mini-sabbaticals. Big changes are in the works, including relocation, career re-evaluation and reconciliatory gestures with angry kinda-ex-girlfriends. As always, I beg you to bear with me and appreciate yr continued interest in the site.

Anyway, as we approach the draft, the talk out there in Celtics land is downright terrifying. A friend tells us he heard a report on WEEI this morning that Ainge is looking to move up in the draft, dangling Perk and the #7 for whoever will bite in the top 5. This is being done, apparently, in order to acquire the services of LaMarcus Aldridge, aka, "the guy no one really wants to pick because everyone compares him to Mark Blount."

Admittedly, I don't follow college hoops beyond the local Jim Calhoun ego stroke-a-thon, but I've read all the reports on Aldridge and if this is true it's so fucked up it almost hurts to ponder. We're trading our only viable big man (and the only legitimate draft steal from the Ainge era) for a guy who is at best, two years away from being a semi-upgrade. Perk may not be all-world, but he's tough, he can rebound, he can block shots, and he has shown more improvement over the past three years than any of our other lauded draft picks. Not to mention, he has developed into something of a fan favorite.

Of course, Perk's biggest weakness is that Coc doesn't like him, which has been apparent in the way he screws with his minutes, pisses all over him to the press, and generally mishandles his career. It's a testament to Perk's simple yet patent contributions that Coc still has to find a way to put him on the court, but I can only imagine what kind of monstrous spin the organization is going to unearth in order to justify trading our toughest interior presence when toughness and interior presence are exactly what the team has lacked for the past 10 years. Sorry Wyc, you can't blame this one on Ricky D!

As for Aldridge, who the fuck knows, but from a point of simple logic, most draft scenarios have Aldridge probably available at 7 anyway. A typical mock, shaped by the putative promises that are floating around, looks something like this

1) Toronto – Bargnani
2) Chicago – Tyrus Thomas
3) Bobcats – Morrison/Gay/Roy
4) Portland – Morrison/Roy
5) Atlanta – Sheldon Williams
6) Minnesota – Gay/Roy or Aldridge
7) Celtics – Aldridge/Gay/Williams

Of course, we can all choke on the irony that if Coc and Scalafuckhead had simply ditched the last game of the season, we could have picked Aldridge up at 6 where he's virtually guaranteed to be available. It is my relentless hope that if this trade comes to pass, someone in the legitimate media points out that this one superfluous salve to Coc's wounded ego could cost us Kendrick Perkins.

And then there's the whole deal with re-signing Paul Pierce, and the apparent promise being made to him that we will trade the young players for some of superstar Paul's beloved "veterans" in an effort to annihilate what little progress the franchise has made over the past 4 years and content ourselves with being a perpetual 7th seed in the playoffs. The obvious candidates include: Green/Jefferson/picks for Jermaine O'Neal. Conditional pick/Inmate #42 for Mike James sign-n-trade. LaFrentz/pick for Ratliff "save Wyc $11 million" deal. Or the ever popular, "Dan Dickau for two future second round picks."

In all cases, the winds bode ill fortune. Wyc has decided that it is more important to preserve his goofy trophy-friendship with Paul Pierce than it is to build a winner, and the franchise will be relegated to perpetual "tinkering" status while the entire league ebbs and flows around our static irrelevance. In the words of the great Eric Gaffney, "as the world dies the eyes of god grow larger."

Pick My Ass

2006-06-06T17:52:00.000-04:00

The Boston Globe ran a piece recently wherein Celtics staff writers uniformly opined that the Celtics should trade the 7th pick in the upcoming NBA draft, stating that the Celtics are already "too young" and should move this pick for a "proven veteran." This story was not earth shattering, it simply reflects the conventional wisdom amongst most fans, who seem to be of the mind that unless Tyrus Thomas slides to #7, we should trade down or get out of this draft entirely.

It is an interesting point of view, but one based on a strange myopia regarding the amount of talent currently on the roster of the 7th worst team in the league. It seems to indicate that the Celtics are at a point as a franchise where they need to add specific kinds of players, and not just try to improve at every position. It yet again speaks to the ongoing perception that the only team in the league that couldn't string together three wins is "a player away."

This entire "trade the pick" school of thought has its roots in the ongoing myth that the team is building a winner around Paul Pierce, and we have no more need for youthful players because we have young talent in abundance and the wise course would be to develop them as we add veteran talent into the mix. Of course, the kool-aid crew "see no/hear no/speak no" over the fact that this is the same theory which brought us Gary Payton, Dan Dickau and the disastrous re-acquisition of Antoine Walker. With that in mind, here are the two big myths of the Celtics as we enter the draft, and why they are wrongheaded.

Myth # 1 - "We don't need more youth." This is the great kool-aid koan that sums up the semi-articulated threads of "hope for the future" which basically entail this: a healthy Wally Szczerbiak + a rejuvenated Al Jefferson + Delonte the Emergent + Pierce in his prime + Gerald Green as 6th man + a key offseason veteran acquisition = Celtics as playoff team. It sounds nice, but it yet again ignores reality in favor of a punch-drunk "wait till next year" vibe that has infected a fanbase battered by years of abused expectation. Let's take a look at these same factors without the rosy optimism.

Healthy Wally Szczerbiak – okay, assuming he comes back from a knee injury more effectively than our last injured Ainge trade acquistion (Raef), where does that leave us? The offense may run more smoothly, but we have the worst defensive 2/3 combo in the league with Wally and Pierce, one that will be exploited by quicker backcourts.
Rejuvenated Al Jefferson – Even at his best, what will this mean? He's still young and he's still raw, and he has trouble staying on the court because of fouls and injury. Best case scenario is we have an immature 12/6 guy coming off the bench who can't play defense, is an adequate-at-best rebounder, and doesn't fit in well with a Pierce dominated offense.
Delonte the Emergent – as much as I like Delonte, he's destined for the bench. Next season will most likely be one of "how well does Delonte deal with not starting anymore" when we acquire some shithead over-the-hill PG to get Pierce the ball "in his spots."
Pierce in his Prime – We all liked what we saw with PP this year, but really, what are the chances he even comes close to duplicating this season? If his shot is falling, he's great, if not, he's a ball hog who tries to play 1-on-5. And he's a year older.
Gerald Green as 6th man – Gerald is a terrific talent, but next year will not be the year he contributes meaningfully to a winning team. He should be given loads of minutes so he can learn-by-doing, but he will necessarily fail and fuck up in this process. Perhaps, more importantly, what are the chances Doc even plays him regular minutes next year?
Key veteran acquisition – this deserves its own section.

Myth #2 - In the offseason we will make a "Key Veteran Acquisition"

Tell me who this player is. Name me any player we can acquire via trade of the 7th round pick in the draft and spare parts that is going to make any difference. There really isn't any, because problem is that impact PG's and big men ARE NOT AVAILABLE.

Taking a quick look at top 25 NBA assist leaders, who among those are likely to be on the block. Baron Davis? Steve Francis? Okay, fine, but do we really want these guys? Or what about this "veteran PG" who will "mentor Delonte"? Is it worth trading our pick for Speedy Claxton or Anthony Johnson?

Any trade we make for a veteran player of any import is going to be similar to the Wally trade – marginal talent exchanged for some degree of cap relief and improved chemistry. There just is not going to be any kind of epic fleecing, because outside of the Vince Carter trade, they just don't happen anymore.

As for the FA market, unless people truly believe re-acquiring Mike James for many, many millions of dollars is a bold improvement, there really is nothing out there for the taking. In fact, our most likely course of action will probably be to acquire a really shitty/old veteran PG along the lines of a Kevin Ollie or Kenny Anderson, and then have the Celtics PR staff pepper the Globe all year with story pitches about how this guy is "teaching Delonte the ropes" and make grand claims about DW's learning curve and ever prominent role on the team. Remember, Dan Dickau was brought in for exactly the same reason, to be a "proven PG" who could start or come off the bench, depending on the performance of the younger players, and we know how well that worked out.

The point is, there really is no simple, clean move to make with the 7th pick that's worth trading it for mediocre veteran talent. It is simply not worth the risk, and I am hard pressed to understand what the problem is with the 7th worst team in the league stockpiling a young lottery pick type player, even if he can't help you right away. Remember, in the most recent where the Celtics traded away their lottery #1 (1999), they missed the opportunity to draft, among others, Shaun Marion, Andre Miller, Artest, Andre Kirilenko and Corey Maggette. What "veteran acquisition" did the Celtics get in return for passing up on all that talent? Vitaly Potapenko.

For the love of God, keep the fucking pick.

2006 Season in Rear View - part 2 "What Went Right"

2006-05-22T10:21:00.000-04:00

Here I am sitting in the aftermath of a grotesque Preakness Stakes with many jotted notes and half-finished articles about the Celtics 2005/06, and very little by way of actual coherence. Fittingly, much like the team itself, everything I write about them seems disjointed, unclear and uninspired. Perhaps this is the natural consequence of the process of autopsy, but it amazes me that other blog-sources are able to maintain an enthusiasm about the future of a team that seems to promise nothing but more DOA seasons like the one we just witnessed.

Anyway, I'll try to get more current later this week with the talk about Doc's future and the revisionist motherfucking of Ricky Davis, but for now, our 2005/06 wrap-up continues with the few things that went right this season.

Kendrick Perkins – Perk started the season on a precipice, with a body of work in 04/05 that ranged from impressive difference-making performances to psychotically out of control embarrassments. After a phenomenal pre-season, he was inexplicably buried on the bench in favor of Mark Blount and Brian Scalabrine, but managed to force his way into the starting lineup as the season progressed, simply by virtue of the fact that he was (and remains) the toughest Celtics big man and the only one who can consistently rebound. His shoulder separation injury robbed him of 13 games, and Doc’s stubbornness/stupidity robbed him of full time minutes in many more, but he showed this year that despite 5.2/5.9 averages, he could become a legit 12/9 type player when he fully matures. Not earth shattering, but definitely worth re-signing, and something of a steal for an under-celebrated high school-er picked at 27 in a top-heavy draft. Celtics fans everywhere are uncertain whether to celebrate or bemoan the fact that his modest production and consistent improvement have managed to overshadow the once blinding light of his fellow man-child, Al Jefferson.

Trading Mark Blount – Danny’s greatest folly as a GM was signing the softest and dumbest big-man in the league to a 6 year deal after the 2004 season, committing over 10% of our total payroll to a no-talent locker room cancer who showed all signs of shitting the bed big-time after having had an irreproducible career season. In the two years after signing his deal, Blount became a classic case of a guy who gets minutes simply because he's owed big money, and regardless of how badly he fucked up on and off the court, he was given infinite second chances to regain a prominent role on the floor. For a team that had to endure years of inept front court play from Walter McCarty and Antoine Walker in the service of Jim O’Brien style small-ball, Blount’s inability and unwillingness to pursue rebounds or play adequate man-to-man defense was too much to forgive, regardless if his strangely pristine 15 foot jump shot was falling. Blount is about as big of a fuckhead as you’ll find in the league, and though it required us to take on the overpaid/under-knee-ed Wally Szczerbiak, any deal in which he and his grotesque salary are jettisoned has to be considered a steal.

Gerald Green – After sliding from a likely top-three pick all the way down to the Celtics at 18, most observers (this one included) concluded that our pit-bull loving teenager had raised a red flag large enough to be seen from Portland to New York after a controversial work-out cancellation started a storm of murmurs prior to the draft. In hindsight, he probably had his head up his ass after all of the "next McGrady" talk, but thankfully the Celtics actually handled his situation correctly, allowing him to get torched in training camp so that he himself recognized the utility of going to the NBDL for some seasoning and professional coaching. To his credit, he came back, yes, with humility, but more importantly his enthusiasm was undiminished, and when he finally got some run towards the end of the season, his dunks, his beautiful jump shot and his joy for the game were a lot of fun to watch. It’s still difficult to determine if he’s on the road to becoming a baby McGrady or just a Desmond Mason with insane hops, but he was a good pick at where we got him (I’d still take Granger had he been available) and the Celtics ownership, ever aware of the marketing implications of a young, dunk-happy athletic freak, seem committed to seeing what he can do next year.

(NOTE – these were selected for their lack of ambiguity. For instance, Delonte West was a highlight this year, but as much as he became a fan favorite and a reliable shooter, he still raises more questions than he answers. The same goes for Paul Pierce, who had the best season of his career contrasted against the stark reality of a 33 win season)

2006 in Rear View - Part One

2006-05-09T15:52:00.000-04:00

The most surprising aspect of the Celtics 2005/2006 season is that it was even worse than most people were expecting. For a team that entered the season with every pre-emptive excuse imaginable already siphoned out to the media and fan-base in an effort to reduce expectation, they still managed to be a brutal disappointment. That they fell short even of the expectations of a blog called “Celtics Doom” (prediction: 35-47) is simply a useful shorthand for what has to go down as one of the worst seasons in the franchise’s history, a history which is notable more and more only for its rapidly diminishing relevance.

Ultimately, this was the season where it was confirmed that the Wyc/Ainge era is nothing more than a series of shortsighted decisions that have amounted to nearly three years of the franchise spinning its wheels. It was the season where it became abundantly clear that the failure-of-nerve and fiscal meanness of their "leadership" has landed us firmly in the horse latitudes of NBA irrelevance, and we are probably going to be stuck there for a long time. We saw that the refusal to invest real money into the team via free agency or trades, combined with over-hyped draft picks and a fetish for “good character,” has doomed this franchise to a kind of mediocrity that only a complete dismantling will ever undo.

So, in no particular order, these were the three biggest disappointments of the season, the things that should give us absolutely no hope:

1) Doc Rivers cannot coach: It cannot be understated how bad of a coach Doc Rivers is in every aspect of the profession – he fails at the x’s and o’s, he treats players with a transparent double standard based on personal bias, he refuses to adapt when his schemes prove unworkable, and he shits all over players to the media to deflect criticism from himself. Substitute Doc with a competent game coach and we might have eked into the playoffs. Leave Doc in for another season and we’ll have a complete mutiny. The second game of the season (with the egregious failure to defend the inbounds pass against the Pistons) provided an abundantly clear synopsis of why this guy is a terrible albatross - firing Doc should be priority #1 if the Celtics want to be taken seriously.

2) Paul Pierce at his best is not an impact player: This blog was at times virulently anti-Pierce in 04/05, and this year we appropriately had to eat some humble pie when he turned in the best season of his career. Unfortunately, even with Pierce playing out of his mind, the Celtics still finished as the 7th worst team in the league, and there are few left (outside of Celticsblog loyalists) who believe it possible to build a championship contender with Pierce as its centerpiece. This is no diss on Pierce, really. The far more highly regarded Kevin Garnett and Allen Iverson didn’t make the playoffs either, but it does go to show the difficulty in building a team around a scoring swingman who doesn’t like to play defense and has no particular talent for making his teammates better. Pierce is a good rebounder and great at getting to the line, but he is a miserable ball handler and a playmaker of wildly vacillating acumen. The team will never improve until a rock solid PG is in place who can get the ball out of Pierce’s hands and ensure a consistent TEAM offense. Unfortunately, the team balked at the opportunity to pry the very serviceable Earl Watson from the Nuggets, most likely because they were more concerned with dumping Mark Blount’s contract and acquiring a marketable (ie: “white”) player in Wally Szczerbiak.

3) Our “Young Talent” is not all that talented: Even putting aside the ghastly backward steps taken by Tony Allen and Al Jefferson, this season brought with it the recognition that our “young core” consists primarily of a bunch of guys who will at best someday be good NBA role players. Outside of the unformed Gerald Green, none of these players look to be an all-star type talent, and with the exception of Kendrick Perkins, none seem to have any kind of great untapped potential. Delonte West proved most definitively that he is a very nice player and a cool/funny guy and NOT a starting NBA point guard. Ryan Gomes turned out to be a great story about a 4-year college player who sneaks into the NBA and remains too undersized at his natural position to provide anything resembling consistent production. Orien Greene was an early tease who fizzled into oblivion once he stopped worrying about losing minutes to Marcus Banks. And then we have the dregs – Tony Allen is still a spastic, out-of-control dimwit who can’t shoot and hogs the ball. Al Jefferson seems to be at best a 15/6 semi-star, at worst a mentally feeble man-child who will spend his career battling ankle injuries and his own lethargy.

In short, we have big fucking problems.

Next Week - More slicing and dicing of Wyc Grousbeck! Discussing The Few Things That Went Right! And………….. Hamcock of the YEAR!

Notes From The Final Whimper

2006-04-20T09:16:00.000-04:00

And so the Celtics 2005/2006 season came to an end with a truly fitting whimper - a draft-position-jeopardizing victory against the few brave souls on the Miami Heat roster cajoled into taking the court and risking serious injury days before the start of the playoffs. Thanks to them, the thousands of strangely loyal Celtics fans who accounted for yet another sell-out at the TD Banknorth Garden at least got to see a "contest," albeit one without Dwayne Wade or Shaq, the players most of these people undoubtedly were forking over their cash to see. However, much in the way that few ask for refunds when the Allman Brothers Band plays concerts without anyone named "Allman" still in the band, apparently no one was too pissed off about this development, and "fan appreciation night" continued apace.

So yes, this was the bitter end, broadcast to us in HDTV and accompanied by one last dose of grotesque omni-organizational boosterism from Tommy Heinsohn. It has been a tough, ugly season, and one that we will break down in greater detail in the coming days, but simply out of respect to the time we all put in watching this season, it seems appropriate to mark the official end of the game with a recap of sorts.With that in mind, if watching Tony Allen hog the ball and repeatedly drive to the basket is your idea of a good time, tonight paid off handsomely. The Heat played hard for the first half but seemed a bit disjointed playing without 3/5 of their starting lineup, and just gave up once we got a double digit lead. From there on in it was songs in the key of "let's get this the fuck over." As the attention of many fans wandered from the "action" on court, some noticed Pierce sitting on the bench in a pricey pinstripe suit, all full of grins and giggles, undoubtedly looking forward to some serious off-season drinking.

Of course, this being the last game of the season, the broadcast was full of moments of looking back and gazing forward. Heinsohn dusted off his favorite theater metaphor one last time and stated that the beginning of the season "was like rehearsals in New Haven if you were to compare it to a Broadway play." As one who lives quite close to New Haven, I can assure you, no one there knows what the fuck he was talking about. No word on Heinsohn if the end of the season resembled the historic Hartford Circus Fire, another example of popular entertainment gone horrifically awry.

On the player side of thing, tonight marked the probable end to the Celtic careers of Mike Olawakandi and Orien Greene, as well as at least one of the "Future is Now" players relentlessly promo-ed on FSN. We bid them a fond farewell, especially Orien who, as has been noted ad nauseum in these pages, often gave me a headache. Beyond that, Gerald Green, likely sick of being shit on by Coc in the press, barely looked for his shot and ended the season with an unimpressive 8 points. Perk flailed around ineptly and missed what seemed like dozens of easy shots. Raef was godawful, Tony Allen was difficult to watch, and Wally babbled unconvincingly to Greg Dickerson about how excited he was to rehab his knee over the summer. Why do I think these are three things we’ll bear witness to next year as well?

Player of the Game - Dwayne Jones. I'm not sold on this guy being much of anything, but he's had a couple Brandon Hunter-esque games that should make us at least consider he might be a viable end of the bench spare part. Unfortunately, we have like 11 of them already on our team.

Hamcock - Brian Scalabrine. The last Hamcock of the season must go to the man who embodies the very worst of our post-Waltah roster, the 15-million dollar stiff whose greatest contribution to the team is watching "24" with Wally Szczerbiak. Tonight, ironically, he gets the Hamcock for playing well in a game WE WANTED TO LOSE. If this moron playing effectively in this pointless game costs us a chance at Rudy Gay, it will be the most fitting capper to the worst free-agent signing of the Ainge era. To quote my hero(s) the Wizznutzz, “When Scalabrine makes his lumbering move in the paint, he looks like a man emerging from the woods, trying to shake off a pack of raccoons.” Indeed. Hopefully he and Wally have TIVO’d enough crappy episodic television to make it through the summer.

Quote of the Night - "Some things will be the same. Paul Pierce will be here, Gerald Green will be here, Delonte West will be here," Wyc Grousbeck on the future of the Celtics season ticket holder "experience." You heard it, next year is going to be more of the same: Paul Pierce and a bunch of low-talent/high-character second round picks stumbling into the middle of the lottery, only maybe now with cheerleaders and a nicer scoreboard. Yay! As the ghastly tin-eared advertisement now says, "Why settle for the night of your life... when you can have 41 of them?"

Anyway, the end of the season brings with it the general notion of finality and celebration and all that stuff. I want to thank ever single one of you who comment on Celtics Doom for making it such a cool place to talk, vent and laugh. We're all probably the only people on the planet who equally enjoy the Boston Celtics, asshole/taint jokes, and obscure French linguistic philosophy, but goddammit, we found each other. Special thanks to Tittyfuck for inventing the Hamcock this season, an idea which perfectly embodied everything that we here are and the fanboys ain't. So thanks again, and happy off-season to everyone.

Wyc Eats the Soul

2006-04-18T09:39:00.000-04:00

A classic late season debacle that found thousands of Boston area fans who forked over good money to watch LeBron James and (too a much lesser extent) Paul Pierce, instead subjected to a grueling paint-by-numbers crap-a-thon between the Celtics and Cavaliers supporting casts. I watched parts of the game, listened to most of it, was enervated by all of it. We’ll have a comprehensive season autopsy in the next few days but for now, a few notes on what we learned from last night:

1) Wyc Grousbeck's favorite player is Paul Pierce! For those of us who thought this season's perpetual PR blow job on Paul couldn't get any more shameless, we were treated to metrosexual-fashion icon/owner Wyc Grousbeck spending the 2nd quarter on the mic with Gorman and Cousy, where he let free with some highly coveted insider info. Are you ready? Paul Pierce is not only a super duper player, but, he is a super-er duper-er human being as well. That’s right, Wyc LOVES Paul because he is a humanitarian millionaire who occasionally visits children hospitals on his off-days, just like Wyc and his “very fortunate” buddies who all got together one swell afternoon and bought a basketball team with their fathers’ money. Thanks Dad(s)! And yes, just so you know, Wyc views the fans as owners. Because… I don’t know, something along the lines that he thought he was an owner when he was a fan and now that he’s a fan he’s… I forgot. It was inspiring though, truly. Nothing like hearing the good news from the King of the Trustafarians after watching 81 shitty basketball games on my own dime. Wyc should know that as a newly christened part owner, I now await a large cheque to link my financial divestment with my emotional one.

2) Delonte West, Accountemps 6th Star Award Winner. In a perfunctory development with all the drama of the Lachey/Simpson divorce, the cuddly one was codified by the good people of Accountemps as fan favorite du jour, joining such distinguished past winners as Bryant Stith and Mark Blount. This thing is supposedly voted in by the fans, but that seems about believable as the "touch of the flu" story we've now heard twice this season to excuse a Tommy Heinsohn absence. Delonte gave an almost completely incomprehensible acceptance speech for this "award," muttering something weird and slurred about “hard work…. Fans…. Work… value.” In my eyes, he’d be player of the year if he’d just grabbed the camera and started chanting "because whoever does, is going to make VP." The real prize, however, was hearing Daddy Wyc proclaim him “second favorite Celtic” of ownership, the kind of praise that has “contract lowball up ahead” written all over it.

3) Also from the mouth of Wyc – “The Celtics are a player away.” Uhh, "maybe" he meant, because uhhh, he leaves that all up to Danny, is what he meant to say. But we learned definitively that what makes Wyc so happy is not the record, not the style of play, but the Character of the team. Yes, he literally said that he cares mostly that the team has a good character. Not “a good character” in the sense a screenwriter might be interested in, but rather that we’re a happy cuddly family of elves and Delontes who love one another dearly and don’t pound our heads on the lockers when our natural sense of competitive drive makes us react poorly to 32 win seasons. In other words, a team with one max contract and a rotating cast of mediocre players fighting for their NBA lives. Yeah! Celtic Pride!

Like Money, Like Envy

2006-04-12T22:57:00.000-04:00

At this point in the season, what can one say about a meaningless five point loss to the Pacers? The best I can muster is: it wasn't completely excruciating. We saw lots of offense, a semi-exciting semi-comeback at the end, and numerous Gerald Green highlights. It barely even registered throughout that the Pacers were driving the final stake into the feeble heart known as the Celtics post-season hopes, but they did and now it's official - we're heading to the lottery.

With that in mind, only a chump or a full-on Ainge patsy would take a "lets get this over without anyone getting hurt" game like tonight's seriously enough to write a real recap, so instead I'll focus on what we all tuned in for - Gerald Green. Those with the mental fortitude to tune in and pay attention to a meaningless late season Celtics game were rewarded with more of Gerald's magical ride, as he wound up with not only a career high 22, but many TIVO worthy highlights. These included:

1) An amazing bit of body control as he got fouled going to the rim and gently tossed it in from the side, George Gervin style.
2) An insane dunk on the break from an Orien Greene feed.
3) A more insane alley oop dunk.
4) A 60 ft 3-pointer as the 24 second clock expired.
5) Numerous smooth 18 foot jump shots over the disinterested defense of Stephen Jackson and Peja Stojakovic.

While he kicked ass individually, however, one cannot ignore the fact that the team floundered with him on the floor. This seemed largely due to the fact that in his youthful eagerness to score a shitload of points and prove that he can play, he tends to take quick shots and stifle the team ball movement. Still, at this point in a lost season, it was encouraging enough to see that he was confident, active, and that his outside shooting is scary good. In fact, as much as this team feels like little more than a collection of Paul Pierce, a couple bargain basement 2nd round picks and bunch of overpaid white guys, I think we can at least rightfully claim to have two of the better young outside shooters in the game with Green and Delonte.

So, assuming he's not traded, the question remains: after Gerald comes back down to earth and his minutes diminish, will he eventually develop into a consistent and effective role player? As we have seen this year, with the exception of Al Jefferson, every one of the Celtics young players has gone through a monster stretch like Gerald is on, and has ultimately disappointed - Gomes, Perkins, Delonte and Orien (pre-season) each had a series of games where they seemed like a long term solution at their various positions, but each winds up the season as essentially a question mark.

So while we all know that Gerald will not be putting up 22 a night next season as a 2nd year player off the bench, he seems owed some optimism simply because his athleticism and outside shooting seem special enough that they could probably get him through the rough patches of learning to play against tough NBA defenses keyed to stopping him. Of course, his own defense is a problem, and we might find out that he's dumb like Al Jefferson and implode the minute he's asked to participate more fully in the team defense schemes. Also, his offensive game might simply prove too one-dimensional to work into a cohesive team concept, and there's always that problem of adjusting when the defense finally figures you out.

Of course, this speculation could be entirely moot as Gerald and Al appear to be Bait Numero Uno and Dos in the effort to secure a Pierce-appeasing veteran and momentarily fulfill Wyc's Quixotic quest for instant respectability. If Gerald is traded, look for the inevitable Kedrick Brown comparisons to fly and the Celtics PR to spin an image of him being all jump and no brain. This might be true, but it also might not. For one, I would hope that those fan-pleasing dunks will put enough dollar signs in Grousbeck's eyes that we can keep Gerald in Green long enough to learn for ourselves exactly how good he can be.

Like Saw II, only more pointless

2006-04-04T23:02:00.000-04:00

A languid victory in Toronto that did little more than weaken our draft position and prove that even 124-120 games can be boring as fuck. Tonight we saw two teams playing pretty much just to avoid injury, providing the assembled dozens all the intensity of an exhibition and enough sloppiness to include an excruciating 81 free throws (although Toronto went 28-28, which was kind of cool).

As such, this was another game that was hard to really gauge anything from, outside of the fact that even without having to contend with Chris Bosh we could barely beat the fourth worst team in the East. Both teams played something along the lines of Jim O'Brien-ball without the defense, with only Mike James showing any real heart on the Raptors side. At one point the Celtics were up 12 and James almost single handedly accounted for a 13-1 run that got them back in the game. The Celtics shot well, rebounded poorly, and ended up pulling away in the last two minutes on a Ryan Gomes post move against Charlie V that put it into two-possession, make-your-free-throws-and-you-win territory.

On the player side of things, the most noteworthy development was Gerald Green getting, as they say, "a real look," including the last three crunch-time minutes. It was the best he's played all year - active on D, moved without the ball on offense, shot well, pissed off everyone with a last minute dunk, and hit a kinda-pressure-filled free throw that helped win the game. Pierce had a brutal 2-10, 5 turnovers, lots of excessive dribbling, but he went to the line 24 times, and at least that kept Tommy shut up. As far as everyone else, Wally shot well, Raef hit many barely-contested threes, Gomes was solid, and Orien Greene continued to prove that Danny Ainge is wayyyyyy to loose handing out three year deals.

So it was a fairly boring trek through the lower depths of the league's mandatory scheduling requirements. I would be remiss, however, if I did not report the most important development of the evening (indeed, the only thing that really made it worthwhile) - the 4th quarter return of Celtics (semi)Super-Fan Donnie Wahlberg, who announced to us all those six little words we have longed to hear: "I'm going to do Saw 3." Yeah! Donny Wahlberg! That guy's on IMDB!

Player of the Game - Gerald Green. Awwww, I'm being cutesy-pooh, but this was a "I'll want this time back when I die" kind of evening, and Gerald provided the only real interest for the jaded Celtic fan grasping at straws to justify watching the last nine games. That said, as mentioned before, he did look pretty solid, and it remains a wretched example of Coc's stubborn "internal pecking-order rules all" bullshit that he wasn't put out there earlier in the season when we were losing anyway and the second unit clearly needed a scorer.

Hamcock - Kendrick Perkins. In his trumpeted return to the starting lineup, Perk pretty much sucked, providing zero intensity, getting outrebounded by Brian Scalabrine(!) and continuing to turn the ball over like, uhhh, Brian Scalabrine. Worst of all, his subpar play allowed Raef to go for 20/8, all but assuring that L'honkey stiff won't be diagnosed with a mystery ailment for the last eight games in order to let Perk and Al get tons of minutes.

Quote of the Night - "Eric Williams gives Paul Pierce a special hug," Mike Gorman describing a touching encounter at half-court moments before tip off. If anything ever begged for more elucidation in a Celtics broadcast and went wanting, I cannot remember, but unfortunately this encounter occurred off-camera and all we can do is wonder exactly what physical entanglement this "special hug" entailed. Arms slipped under the uni? So-called "eskimo kissing"? A quick finger up the ass? The mind races. Gorman went on to say that it left Pierce "giggling," only heightening the Brokeback Mountain-esque tenor of the imagined proceedings. No word on whether Wally plans to work this "special hug" into his between-free-throw-encouragement repertoire, but we're all hoping Inmate #42 was paying attention, because out in the Yard, sometimes the hug proves mightier than the shiv.

Anything Worse Would Be The Knicks

2006-03-29T23:30:00.000-05:00

We don't often see the Celtics on the friendly side of a blowout, but it turns out this rarest of occurrences is characterized primarily by lots and lots of Wally Szczerbiak hyper high-fiving. So yes, indeed, tonight we saw plenty of them as the Celtics bested the only team in the league that regularly challenges them for the title of "most gutless." Boston ran and got easy baskets, scoring 71 points in the first half alone, and ended up with 123, or roughly one point for every clumsy reference to the NCAA tournament made by Mike Gorman.

The Knicks, it turns out, are a disaster on a scale normally reserved for the description of ill fated NASA missions. The Marbury/Francis thing is a joke, and Eddie Curry does nothing but justify all of the tasteless "heart probems" puns that some of us more insensitive types have been known to make, repeat, and laugh at. Actually he had 20/8, but he might as well not even be on the floor. What is most bizarre about this team, though, is that all of these former stars and huge talents now just seem so completely anonymous and unremarkable. It's not just that they suck as a team, but each of the individual players seems to have turned into a shitty carbon copy of the next. There is no personality, no distinction, just an endless rotation of players with similar skills and abilities who all seem to have given up long ago. It is incredible to think that we saw $120 million on the floor and the only players that made any kind of impression were Quentyl Woods and David Lee.

But this is not Knicks Doom.

As a Celtics fan it was a difficult game to get anything out of outside of the simple fact that the Celtics are not as bad as the Knicks. Yay. But it was good to see them execute their offense and score all those easy baskets they're supposed to score when Doc Rivers remembers that Danny's "vision" supposedly involved the development of a running game. That this was accomplished largely in the face of defensive indifference is well worth remembering before anyone gets all excited.

We did have a couple moments that were fairly illuminating, if only for how weird this team is - 1) In a cutesy-pooh hall-of-fame nominee moment, we watched as Pierce and Wally kept deferring to the other over who was going to shoot a technical free throw, with Pierce finally convincing Wally to take it, who of course sunk it, while the George and Martha-esque Steve Francis and Jalen Rose looked on with secret envy, seething resentment and quietly breaking hearts. Or so I will pretend. 2) Brian Scalabrine passionately arguing a call with 4:45 left in the game and the Celtics up 37. The quintessential Tommy Point moment. Truly.

On the player side of things, Pierce was solid with 22, Gerald Green had a sick dunk and a nice clock beating 20-footer, and Wally, as mentioned, had a lot of high fives. The bench was okay, but it didn't really matter. Of course, Delonte was a cuddly lil' floor general, even in garbage time when lesser cuddly types would give up and play sloppy, but noooooooooo, Delonte was barking orders and making this young Celtics squad work, and goddammit, that's why he's so fucking wonderful...

So yeah, it was a total blowout. Just goes to prove that even at the bottom of the barrel there is always something beneath you.

Player of the Game - Ryan Gomes. Ryan set the tone early against Curry and Malik Rose, and had a great night overall with 15/13, which is only fitting when one considers that his heavy reliance on smarts and hustle presents him as something of the ultimate anti-Knick. But in a game like this, everyone looks good, so Ryan shouldn't display this award too prominently on his mantle.

Hamcock - Tony Allen. Not only has Tony temporarily lost his title as "Most Likely to embarrass the organization" (to TFTF), but tonight he pissed off the brave few of us who sat through garbage time waiting to see Gerald Green get some fucking points, and instead had to watch Tony "old news" Allen hog the ball. Apparently Tony didn't receive the "no one gives a fuck about you anymore" fax, and so Gerald got basically frozen out in the extended garbage time of the 4th quarter, even after he'd had a productive first half. It's kind of funny watching Gerald dutifully toss the ball into Perk and then scurry away to the corner 3 point line, and kind of sad when you see him never get the ball back.

Quote of the Night - "The all glazed-over team," Mike Gorman describing the Knicks. Heinsohn kept trying to work in comments about the Knicks "eyes misting over" but Gorman nailed it with this far more pithy appellation. Perhaps we can include this with our end of the year "All Gentle" and "All Might Be Gay" teams. It was a solid broadcast night, Tommy's streak of fairly chilled-out games continues, even if we heard him bitch a little about the calls and admit that he didn't want "justice," he simply wanted the calls to go in the Celtics favor. This recap cannot be complete without mentioning that there was some strange, under-explained halftime ceremony featuring a collection of former NBA players that included Heinsohn, Dolph Shayes, Harry "the Horse" Gallatin and Rod Strickland(!). I still have no fucking idea what links these guys together, and they never said why during the broadcast. The REAL All-Glazed Over Team.

Give it away, give it away

2006-03-26T20:10:00.000-05:00

A classic loss that contained all the elements of what we know now as "the story of 2005/2006." The mentally anemic Celtics blew a double digit lead in the fourth and gift wrapped the Bulls a one game swing in their quest for the final playoff spot in the East. In a contest that supposedly "meant something" (ie - vague playoff hopes), the Celtics smiled and giggled like a bunch of chicks at the mall, and then choked once the game got close.

It didn't take a mystic to predict that the Celtics would implode, but more surprising was how shitty the Bulls looked for most of the game. They are a fascinating team in that sense - loaded with talent at almost every position, yet they don't really seem all that good. Perhaps it's a function of their youth, or the lack of an identifiable focal point, but I'm thinking they'll be the easiest out in the history of the playoffs should they eke their way into them.

On the (Celtics) player side of things, Perk was probably the only one who came out of this with his dignity intact - his line was great 8/14, 5 blocks, but more importantly he returned to the "difference maker" form that made his entire pre-injury/pre-Gomes season such a cool story. Wally yet again couldn't hit outside shots, but scored via his wince-inducing white-guy drives. Gomes was solid, Inmate 42 was his usual mixture of okay-ness and insanity, and Scalabrine was actually tolerable. Several tittypoints were awarded to the always lamentable Orien Greene who kept jacking up three pointers (all misses) in the first half, while the mysterious upside known as Gerald Green stood alone, wide open and touch free. The second unit should just run some plays for Gerald, because in this season of figuring out roles and "developing" players, I think we already know we don't want Orien Greene taking those shots.

So it was a fitting final chapter for the fiction known as "the Celtics playoff hopes," and one that leaves us uncertain of what can possibly be gained from watching these pussies play out the rest of the season. In the words of David Mamet, "it's going to be what it's going to be."

Player of the Game - Tyson Chandler. I'm no fan of Tyson and his wildly vacillating on-court effectiveness, but the Big-disappointment stuffed Pierce twice in the fourth quarter, including the drive with 33 seconds left that would have tied the game. Also, more importantly to our concerns, he gave a fine post-game interview with Greg Dickerson wherein his surprising eloquence and general friendliness completely belied his on-court semi-psycho persona. All-Gentle Team nominee? Not with the lovably infected teeth of Mike Olawakandi in the way, but perhaps Tyson could one day parlay his charm into a gig as a sideline reporter or a broadcaster. Tyson's "Chickens of Success"? You read it here first.

Hamcock - Paul Pierce. The "Greatest Offensive Celtic of All-Time" was positively Bird-like in crunch time as he missed his final four shots, three of which were actually important - a rushed 18 footer with the game tied, a one-on-four drive that was stuffed by Tyson Chandler down 2, and a bricked three pointer down 4 (which was only redeemed by Delonte West getting the offensive rebound). Even Heinsohn was muttering, CelticsDoom-like, about his shot selection.

Quote of the Night - "Scalabrine's supposed to be really smart." Tommy Heinsohn. On the heels of this blog's 2000+ word savaging of Tommy's grotesque homer-ism (and other things), our man in the broadcast "booth" unleashed a withering critique on (the red-head!) Scalabrine's penchant for "lumbering two-step drives" that always seem to resolve themselves as offensive fouls. Wow, Tommy providing actual critical analysis of a Celtic player, it was like Chauncey Billups leaving his feet all over again. On the topic of the broadcast, Tommy and Gorman seem to have achieved detente in their ongoing war over ref-baiting, and the past two broadcasts have been much more pleasant to sit through (if you can just ignore Gorman's capitulation to the forces of evil with his "Paul Pierce is having a Bird-like season" stupidity). Bonus points to Tommy for criticizing Perk's overzealous put-back dunk by stating, "all he needs to do is finger it easily." Indeed, gentlemen, indeed.

Tommy Points-less

2006-03-23T15:48:00.000-05:00

"We are what we pretend to be" – Kurt Vonnegut, “Mother Night.”

Intro

Tommy Heinsohn has every right to trade in on his own legacy for a steady job and the slight adoration of Celtics fans suffering through 15 years of horse latitudes, and if that was all he was and all he did, no one would have any problem with him. It is problematic, however, when he attempts to sully the legacy of the last truly great Celtic in an effort to prostitute a losing team to a disgruntled fanbase and burnish his own fading relevance.

For those who don’t know anything about this, here’s the general idea – Tommy Heinsohn, Celtics broadcaster, went to the Boston Herald proclaiming that Paul Pierce is a better “offensive player” than Larry Bird. His comments come at a point in the Celtics season when they are facing the reality of not making the playoffs, and with fan interest yet again fading away. It is not something that came out of the blue, he made essentially the same comments a few weeks ago during a broadcast, but they have caused something of an uproar on both sides of the argument, and thus we feel the need to weigh in.

Part I – A History of (Logical) Violence

Tommy Heinsohn’s public persona has evolved over the past 20 years from a likeable “homer” with a deceptively astute basketball mind, into a hack and an egotistical windbag who uses his soapbox on FSN to stroke ownership and repaint his version of Celtics history. As such, he is far more engaged in the process of promoting “Heinsohn the Broadcast Legend” than he is with providing accurate or even interesting commentary about the team. This is something we have all kind of come to expect and even find vaguely likeable, or at very least, comfortably familiar. Heinsohn’s distortions often just fade into the background, allowing his occasional funny/charming moments to surface as always-welcomed nuggets of nostalgia. Compared to the excessively dry (or ridiculously hyper-masculine) tropes of modern basketball broadcasting, Tommy’s nonsense stands in relief as some kind of nod to a past that probably never even existed.

For those who follow this team way to closely, however it has always been apparent that Heinsohn has at least a small bit of resentment for the Celtics teams of the 80’s, probably because they overshadowed the 70’s championship teams that Heinsohn coached, the teams which to this day remain the most uncelebrated era of the team’s history.

More importantly, however, the 1980’s teams simply didn’t NEED Tommy Heinsohn. They were great, they were fun to watch, and they were intrinsically entertaining. They also had Johnny Most as the superfan-broadcaster, Bob Cousy as resident legend/expert, and the most relevant games (Finals) broadcast on national television (as an aside, it is telling that it is only on FSN promos you’ll see the Sportschannel camera angle and Gorman’s call from Game 5 against the Pistons in 1987 when Bird stole the ball. Everywhere else you’ll see CBS’s shot and hear Johnny Most)

The point is, Tommy Heinsohn wasn’t so inseparably woven into the fabric of the Celtics viewing experience as he today. He was a sideman in a much bigger show, a show that centered on Larry Bird, the Boston Garden and the then relevant notion of “Celtics Pride.” In that context he was likeable but hardly vital. He rooted openly for the Celtics, yes, but he was occasionally critical, hardly an apologist, and maintained enough national credibility to serve as a CBS playoff broadcaster.

It was in the years that followed, the years wherein the Celtics fanbase dwindled, their luck ran out, ownership lost focus, and, most importantly, Johnny Most died, that Tommy reinvented himself as The Ultimate Homer. In this role, Tommy eventually realized that the most imposing obstacle to fans appreciating the “current” team was the legacy of success it competed with and constantly fell short against. If people were to remain interested in the mediocre present, then the past would need to be demystified. At the same time, the new fans, the younger ones who barely remembered Bird or the 80’s, were more able to be indoctrinated by funny Tommy as he bitched about the referees, compared rookies to JoJo White and other players they had never heard of, and eventually, consummated his cult-of-personality with the creation of “Tommy Points.”

Through it all, we heard the exaggeration and the wild comparisons - some bordering on egregiously stupid, some actually interesting. Rick Pitino was bringing back “old fashioned Celtics basketball,” Ron Mercer reminded him of Sam Jones, Al Jefferson has more moves at his age than Kevin McHale. These kinds of things were viewed as harmless, because they evoked hopefully hyperbole more than any kind of actual critique. They were the enthusiastic encouragement of the old guard, unafraid to compare the legacy of the old with the potential of the new.

But in this Bird/Pierce comparison, it is as if Heinsohn has finally abandoned all pretense of reason and is now actively burning down the remains of Celtics legacy in order to pimp “his” team of today. No longer is it potential or promise, but now Heinsohn wants you to believe that a two-month hot streak from Pierce demands his coronation with the true greats, ie – he implies that on some level what you’re seeing now is better than what you believe was the best you ever saw. And Heinshon the basketball mind can justify Heinshon-the-Shill’s comments with the way he parses the words (“offensive player”) to leave room for whatever it is that you the fan still treasures in your memories of Larry Bird and the 80’s Celtics. Unfortunately, 3 MVP’s, 3 championships, six 60+ win seasons, and a fuckload of shared memories need a lot more room than Tommy’s half-assed qualification.

But this leads us to the key question, what exactly does Heinsohn mean when he says that Paul Pierce is a superior “offensive player?”

Part II – Highly Offensive Player

The basic argument espoused by Heinsohn is that Pierce’s offensive technique is more varied, more explosive and thus, more potent than Larry Bird’s. Pierce is able to score in different ways than Larry, thus he is “better.” The numbers will never be able to solve this argument, but they are certainly interesting.

Over the course of his 13 seasons in the NBA, Larry Bird averaged 24.3 points a game, including two seasons averaging 28 ppg, one where he went for 29.9. His career shooting percentage is .496, career free throw percentage is .886, .376 from the 3 point line. During the insane 87-88 season, he averaged 29.9 ppg and shot .527 from the floor.

Paul Pierce over the course of 8 seasons (we will, for the sake of this argument, freeze his statistics for this year at this point and call it an 8th “full” season) has averaged 23.4 ppg with a career shooting average of .440, career free throw percentage of .791, and .358 from the 3 point line. Like Bird, he has had 4 seasons where he eclipsed the 25 ppg scoring average. Where Pierce has a most obvious advantage is in free throw shooting, as he has averaged 6.3 makes and 8.0 attempts a game, vs. Bird’s 4.4 and 5.0. Pierce’s 8 attempts a game rank 2nd all time for the squad behind Ed Macauley (who Tommy is likely to one day compare to Orien Greene).

Comparing other offensive stats, the most glaring differential is in assists – Bird averaged 6.3 for his career while Pierce to this point has averaged 3.8. This is even more interesting when one considers that both players average 3.1 turnovers a game.

In terms of “offensive explosions,” Bird has the advantage. Bird has the single game Celtics scoring record with 60 pts, and went for 50 or more 4 times (3 of which occurred during his first 8 seasons). Pierce’s career high is 50, and that is the sole time he accomplished that benchmark.

Examining all of this, a fairly clear picture emerges – both players can score, but Bird was a better shooter, more efficient, and made his team better. A streaky shooter, Pierce is far more effective at getting to the rim and drawing fouls, and is more of a volume scorer than a playmaker.

So again, what makes a superior “offensive player”? Is it the guy who scores more points, is it the guy who shoots better, is it the guy who makes his team better? Unfortunately for Heinsohn’s thesis, as of this date, Bird still outpaces Pierce in every single one of these categories. This doesn’t even bring in the whole issue of clutch shooting, of offensive intangibles, or of leadership. Again, this is where Bird is not only better than Pierce, but where he was better than anyone in his era not named Magic Johnson. And maybe that’s a better way to look at it, because as Celtics fans, we all harbor the kinds of suspicions about our idols that are natural by-products of over-familiarity. So ask yourself this, is Paul Pierce a better offensive player than Magic Johnson? I think most would agree that it’s idiocy to even ask the question.

In that same sense, are we to assume that Dominique Wilkins is a better offensive player than Bird because his scoring numbers were slightly higher during the period they were both in the league together? It’s a valid question, not only because Pierce’s numbers correspond more closely to Dominique’s, but also because it begs the question, if we want to consider player A better the player B, but B was a winner and A wasn’t, what does this mean? There is no doubt to me that Wilkins was a much better scorer than Bird, but Bird was the much better “offensive player” because he won, he hit more clutch shots, and he made his teammates better. If, as most would probably agree, Bird is better than Dominique (who nonetheless has one of the most underrated legacies in all of sport), than there’s no fucking way that Pierce even enters the conversation.

Unfortunately, the “winning” thing plays into the argument, often expressed by Pierce-lovers, that “Larry played with Hall of Famers and Pierce plays with inferior NBDL-level talent.” This is very, very, very debatable, because it presupposes that Bird’s legacy as a winner relies more on the later part of his career more than the beginning. But if you look at the numbers, Bird was successful with pretty much any kind of supporting cast, and just as importantly, he transformed his supporting cast into great players.

1) The 1978-1979 team that finished 29-53 and the 1979-1980 team that went 61-21 and lost to the 76’ers in the conference Finals were essentially the same team. The only significant differences were Larry Bird instead of Bob McAdoo, and Bill Fitch as coach instead of Dave Cowens. But each team’s core was basically Cedric Maxwell, Tiny Archibald, Dave Cowens, Rick Robey and Chris Ford. It is not a stretch to say that Bird essentially accounted for a 32 game swing.
2) The 1987-1988 team went 57-25. The next year was Bird’s injury year where he played 6 games, and that team, with HOF’ers McHale and Parish, went 42-40. Not even the 1st post-Jordan Bulls had such a fall off.

Part III – Senility and the case for memory

Ultimately, those who remember Bird will dismiss Heinsohn as being an idiot or a shill (Bill Simmons has already dismissed him as “old” ie – senile), and the younger fans will accept in varying degrees the idea that one cannot compare two players who ultimately play a very different game (both in style and in era). These younger fans, however, don’t have the access to the memories of a tougher, more competitive league that Bird thrived in as one of its two greatest winners (I consider Bird and Magic’s league to be the pre-expansion, pre-Jordan-as-winner league that existed between 80-88, comprising the two best teams of its time, the 86 Celtics and 87 Lakers). Because of this, these fans will not have the visceral reaction to having one of the 5 greatest players of ALL TIME compared to the best player on a losing team. It will simply seem, in their minds, unrealistic.

And that is why the comparison is so unfair to Pierce. It only digs up the animosity and doubt that he so successfully quelled this year with a brilliant season. It casts him again in the unfavorable glare of the past, a past which he will never be reconciled with by the fans until he wins a championship or an MVP, two unlikely milestones in his career. It makes us once more resent a present that we are trying hard to appreciate.

The thing is, Bird really did exist, he really was that good and he really made everyone around him better. Even if his legend to some degree exceeds his reality, it is important to let fans hold on to certain memories as sacred. It is the careful balance between honoring its past and constantly reinventing its “now” that makes sports uniquely visceral and historic. So whether Tommy’s comments are ticket-moving marching orders dictated by Wyc, or his own mercenary effort to reassert his place in Celtics lore (in this case, as would-be-kingmaker), it is to his shame that he so willingly pisses all over a legend the rest of us happen to cherish.

To close this far too lengthy argument, I’ll put it simply - throughout the vast majority of Bird’s career he was considered to be one of the top three players in the game. Pierce has made the all-NBA third team twice. No one in their right mind really thinks that Paul Pierce is a better player than Bird, but when Heinsohn throws out these kinds of inflammatory comments, he does in an effort to chisel away at a belief, a legend, which has always marginalized him in the hearts of Celtics fans. That’s why I personally find his words to be despicable and shameless. Not only does Larry Bird’s legacy deserve better, but so does Tommy Heinsohn’s.

(all statistics courtesy of www.celticstats.com)

La La Bland

2006-03-20T23:15:00.000-05:00

A characteristic letdown after the Indiana win, tonight the Celtics played dispassionately and got their lethargic asses beat by a Laker team also playing its 3rd game in 4 nights. In an evening that went wanting for any kind of genuine drama or excitement, the relentlessly hyped "Kobe vs. Pierce" matchup turned out to be only a duel of misguided shots and out of control drives, a veritable open exposition for the worst facets of both overrated players. Kobe took a grotesque 39 shots and scored the most underwhelming 43 points of his career, while Pierce was 8-19 (2-8 from 3 point line) and turned the ball over 5 times. And unlike the win in Los Angeles, Ronny Turiaf played no significant role.

The game itself was fairly uninteresting and not worth recounting on a quarter by quarter basis, because outside of a couple runs, the story was basic - the Celtics played bad defense and couldn't hit the outside shot. The Lakers weren't much better, really, but Kobe scored, Odom was effective and Kwame Brown had, for him, a great night. In the end, the Celtics just couldn't get their shit together to overcome the hole they dug in the 1st half, and in the course of a failed comeback they allowed the always mentally fragile Lakers squad to walk out of the TD Banknorth Garden holding the temporary status of "winners."

The only interesting parts of this game were not really related to the score/outcome. There was a bizarre bit of shit talk exchanged between Kwame "Michael Jordan called me a faggot" Brown and Paul Pierce at the end of the second quarter that seemed little more than Kwame trying to shake Phil Jackson's "pussy" appellative (don't worry, you are what you eat Kwame, just ask Greg "Cadillac" Anderson). There were three strange occasions when Kobe Bryant complained to the officials after getting a call in his favor, further adding to his legend as a weirdo. We also saw two twisted ankles, one from Pierce, whose dramatic flops and injury fakery often borders on World Cup-ian in their extravagance, and one from the otherwise stoic Perkins. Both were okay though, so don't you worry.

On the player side of things, tonight saw further positives from Inmate #42 whose 18 points and 4 blocks offset his spastic drives and untimely turnovers. They keep saying he's "got his athleticism back" which is a concept I invite anyone to explain to me. Pierce had a crappy game with lots of ill advised outside shots and a general sense of malaise. Gomes further proved why he's a good player but not our PF of the future (is it possible that he's a better offensive rebounder than a defensive one?). Orien Greene was his usual awful self, Wally was inconsistent, and Gerald Green got his now-expected 4 minutes of meaningless run.

So it was a typical Celtics loss, and one made more disappointing because the specifics of the convoluted Payton trade indicate that we should be hoping for the Lakers to miss the playoffs this year (and thus, a pair of lottery picks for the Celtics), and beating them tonight would have gone some way to making that a reality. Instead, as always, we're fucked. Insert Kobe rape joke here.

Player of the Game - Kwame Brown. Yes, Kwame is a disaster at 8 million a year, but he kind of asserted himself tonight with a solid 11/9/5(!) and looked like he might eventually prove the better "man" in his platoon with Chris Mihm. Unfortunately, his spat with Pierce might lose him his spot on the CelticsDoom "All Gentle" team, this blog's tribute to the soft minded and kind hearted players throughout the league. Kobe had 43 points, as mentioned, but his performance was forced and ugly, and instead of being held in awe, this reporter simply wanted to make Kobe the player/the Japanese beef vs. COBE the COsmic Background radiation Explorer satellite jokes.

Hamcock - Delonte West. The cuddly one looked like total shit again, starting with a blown layup on the second possession of the game and continuing on with lots of the same uninspired post-injury play we've gotten accustomed to. Not all was bad for the Herp, however, because after getting tangled up with Kobe in a 3rd quarter semi-hard-foul situation, the Mamba started cuddling him right there on the the court! Seriously, he was rubbing his head and whispering in his ear, two signs of affection (or precursors to a high profile arrest) that only prove how cutsey-pooh our man Delonte is. Extra bonus information! CelticsDoom is the #1 result (of over 1000) when you Google "Delonte West herpes."

Quote of the Night - "Kobe has these rapier thrusts," Tommy Heinsohn. Either a ghastly malapropism or a moment of true subversion, Heinsohn uttered this gem during the underdiscussed "Tools for hire" segment wherein our man is tasked by the eponymous sponsor to make a pun involving a tool and a key to Celtics victory. That said, it wasn't very clear what "En Garde Kobe" meant, as fencing foils could hardly be considered "tools," but maybe I'm missing something about the entire advertising concept. Nonetheless, any invocation of Mamba and the words "rapier thrusts" is pretty funny. Also, on the topic of the broadcast, tonight featured a much more friendly rapport between Mike and Tommy, who recently have been displaying a level of interpersonal tension on par with a mid-period Ingmar Bergman film. This whole unspoken animosity (stemming from Tommy's insistence on dragging the broadcast down with endless petty complaints about the officiating) blew up last year at the end of the playoffs, a hugely strange moment that defined the phrase "I think we're spending way too much time together." Gorman, in particular, has the tone of an abused spouse who has been taking Yoga classes, feels better about themselves, and envisions a day when they no longer need to deal with that cruel, badgering, unfunny prick who probably smells like hard alcohol and generic-brand salted peanuts. If he explodes on air in a tirade of long simmering resentment and suppressed rage, my sincere hope is that Heinsohn's only response is "now that's a Tommy point!"

You're So Heat

2006-03-16T23:50:00.000-05:00

A strange game wherein the Celtics spent one half of the contest playing near perfect basketball, and one half being crushed by a tide of talent and intensity they could never hope to match. Boston at one point held a 25 point lead and only lost by 3, but in many ways the game seemed lost from the start, as if they were never really in it.

It started off well enough with the Celtics working as a finely tuned machine, running at every opportunity and moving the ball on offense, culminating in the strange statistic of scoring 63 points in the half while still committing three 24 second violations. Pierce's shot was impossibly soft and true, Wally was solid, and at one point they were up 25 points. The second half found the Heat turning up their defensive intensity and waking up Dwyane Wade, and this proved more than enough to dismantle our mentally delicate Boston squad. Pierce went something like 3-12 over this period, while Wade made a series of insane drives and monster 3 point plays that defined the term, "momentum killer." And then Brian Scalabrine came in the game...

So basically the Celtics disintegrated under the first hint of pressure, and the Heat won the all-important poise-battle. It ended up kinda close, Pierce hit an insane three pointer to get it within one, but the Heat hit their free throws and a last second shot by all-time #1 option Orien Greene clanged off the rim, disappointing the 26 or so Celtic fans not watching the NCAA tournament. Like I said, in some ways we were never really in it.

On the player side of things Wally had by far his best game as a Celtic, scoring 30 points, shooting very well and generally making one feel optimistic about his role as second option. CudDelonte had his best game since coming back from his groin injury, but he made a couple horrible decisions late in the game that even prompted the corporate zombie known as Steve Kerr to ask the tough questions. Gomes returned to our good graces with a manly effort, Pierce was monstrous and then not, Jefferson was dismal, Perk got schooled by Shaq.

Not a horrible loss, but not one that would make you change your opinion about this team if your opinion to begin with was that they are not particularly good. But at least we didn't have to listen to Heinsohn.

Player of the Game - Dwyane Wade. Yes, the predictable choice, but he chopped the Celtics apart like cheap flank steak in the second half and hit all his free throws to the tune of the home crowd chanting "MVP, MVP." In other words, a man excelling at his profession while still in the bloom of youth, reveling in the many freedoms afforded by great wealth and fame. He tithes 10% of all his earnings, apparently, which is totally old school (like, 5th century style) and fascinates me to no end. Make CelticsDoom yr new religion Dwyane, we could use the cash.

Hamcock - Al Jefferson. Well, it's getting to the point I think where we should shut down Raef and just run Al out there every night until he learns how to play basketball. He's such a fuck-up sometimes, and tonight was one of those nights where even his post moves abandoned him, and he threw up some embarrassing nonsense against Shaq and the lamentable idiot called Alonzo Mourning. Speaking of Alonzo, he and Wally are front runners for making the CelticsDoom "All Way-Too Intense Team" 2006. But that's for later.

Quote of the Night - "Shaquille O'Neal blows the slam!" Marv Albert. Title of an NBA-themed gay porn movie, or Marv Albert dialing it up to MAX on the intensity meter a mere minute into the game? Just the latter, but on the topic of the broadcast, I find it surprising that as the national cable home of the NBA the best TNT can trot out is the utterly chemistry free tandem of Marv Albert and Steve "I'm A Boring Fuc" Kerr. Sounding like they just made each other's acquaintance waiting in the line to the men's room, they provided almost zero insight throughout a generally bumpy call. Meanwhile, the embalmed remains of Craig Sager roamed the floor with a ghastly toupee and dead man's clothes, seeking, I would imagine, the blood of the living and copy for his in-game voice overs. Greg Dickerson, look upon thy future and weep.

Grizzly, man

2006-03-15T09:52:00.000-05:00

A grim march through four quarters of NBA basketball played at its most un-entertaining, this one was a good old fashioned slog that left the viewer feeling as if they were being throttled by slow moving hammers. The Celtics were flat and uninspired and seemed as though they were afflicted by some kind of deep and un-abating confusion, while the Grizzlies played their brand of methodical slow-ball and took the victory like a brainy teenager dominating his weary friends in a ten hour game of Risk.

Unlike Risk, however, where the random distribution of territories and even allocation of armies gives everyone a chance, this one was never in doubt. The Celtics starters could get nothing going on offense and the bench played its usual role in further confusing the issue. The ultra-loveable Raef/Gomes frontcourt was badly exposed on the boards against the Gasol/Tsakalidis frontline which punished and humiliated them all night. As the game progressed it was clear that the Grizzlies were not exactly executing at a level that brought to mind the term "Swiss Watch," but the Celtics were so cold, and so willing to settle for jumpshots, that it became a simple matter of allowing the passage of time to create more distance between the two scores.

The most interesting development in this brutal morass was during the second quarter when the following stunning development occurred - Pierce took an ill advised drive down the lane and fell hard to the ground, Wally simply watched it happen and walked away, not making any move to help The Captain to his feet. Trouble in (post trade) paradise? Aren't we the cuddly happy team that always helps each other in every single thing? We have suspected that Pierce might not be the biggest Wally booster on the planet, and this seemed highly out character for Mr. SzczHyperTeamGuy. Smoke = fire. Stay tuned.

On the player side of things, we had a major crash and burn for the heroes of the recent "oh wait we don't totally suck" run. Cuddly Delonte was ineffective for the 2nd game in a row, Pierce was shut down, and Raef had a classic Blount-ian 10/3 line as starting center. Even worse was Gomes who couldn't rebound when needed (although he led the team with 6, but believe me, he wasn’t rebounding well) and couldn't get his crucial 10 foot jumper to fall. Al Jefferson occasionally tried to inject energy into the proceedings, but mostly looked borderline retarded and, fittingly, fouled out in 12 minutes. Orien Greene looked as if trying to play while emulating the handicap of the recently deceased Miss Deaf Texas. The only good news, Perk eventually seemed to get on track on offense.

Player of the Game – Jake Tsakalidis. Granted, playing a full game against Raef LaFrentz gives any big man the opportunity to work on their Moses Malone impersonation, but this heretofore uncelebrated Rustavi really kicked ass. More importantly, with his gaunt face twisted by strange bone angles and odd red blotches, he strongly resembles a character from the Sin City comic books, or one of those HP Lovecraft monsters that makes all those who gaze upon them go insane. This could go a long way to explaining Tommy Heinsohn’s upcoming quote.

Hamcock - Ryan Gomes. Ryan’s suckiness tonight was shared by many on the squad, but we award him because his (and Al Jefferson’s) inept play led directly to a Brian Scalaburine sighting, as our fave honkey stiff dug out 10 minutes of garbage time and excelled. Prior to that we witnessed a classic “little thing,” as Gerald Green walked off the court after missing a quarter ending last second three pointer, there was Scalaburine, first out of the pack, encouraging the lad and saying “great shot, great shot,” and, as I imagine it, “Didja hear, CelticsDoom made you quote of the night the other game, that means they like you!” Look for Scal to play 500 zillion minutes next game.

Quote of the Night - "They bore you to death," Tommy Heinsohn on the inner workings of a Mike Fratello coached team. The best part of this was not a minute after Tommy made this claim, he started in on his mind numbing "how many times has Pierce gotten to the line tonight?" idiocy that had Gorman audibly gritting his teeth. Irony, Tommy? Or simply providing an example of how it's done by an old pro? He kind of made up for it later by saying that Orien was playing a game of "Dog, dog, who's got the bone?" a bit of surreal nonsense that evoked likeable senility rather than the stubborn blather of a iron willed patriarch who refuses to die. Also, he at one point christened Memphis “the Jazz Capitol of America,” and prattled on about many the "diet drinks" that threatened to spill on him. I gotta get me a radio one of these days.

Jack Sikma Would Be Proud

2006-03-10T22:54:00.000-05:00

Tonight we witnessed the end of the magical ride. The Celtics were fully exposed as a weak interior team that cannot win unless Paul Pierce is on fire and the shots are falling from the outside. This may not be the end of the Celtics playoff ambitions for this year, but it speaks volumes about where we really are as a team. The reeling Bucks came in and got the win they needed, while the loosey-goosey Celtics giggled and ass-grabbed their way very nearly out of the postseason.

For a game with theoretically a lot riding on its outcome, it was sloppy and largely free of intensity or passion. For large stretches the Celtics forgot entirely about ball movement and took the first shot they saw, while the Bucks plugged away with no real urgency, content to keep it a tied game with 4 minutes left. Pierce then tried to take over and recreate his recent heroics but just looked godawful. He tossed up a few bad shots and culminated with a total choke job at the free throw line when he bricked the 1st of three free throws that together would have tied up the game. What killed the Celtics most, however, was that they played like sickly children on the boards and gave the Bucks far too many second chance opportunities.

On the player side of things, Gomes came back down to earth with 12/5, and generally got manhandled on the glass by Bogut and Magliore. Al Jefferson had a solid game in the first half and got progressively iffy as the game went on. Tony Allen appeared to regain some of his absent athleticism, but still gave his classic "1/2 man 1/2 brain damaged wolverine" effort. As always, Orien Greene gave me a classic headache.

Player of the Game - Andrew Bogut. Simply because at one point I heard someone yell, "let's go mates" in a sick Australian accent and I want to believe it was him being picked up by the courtside microphones. That's so cool. As far as his game is concerned, I'd be ripshit if I held the #1 pick in the draft and this slightly more skilled Scott Pollard was all I had to show for it, but he played decent (11/10) and helped the Bucks dominate the glass.

Hamcock - Brian Scalabrine. It was tempting to hit Pierce with it for his last minute follies, but I present it yet again to Scalaburine for what had to be one of the top 10 most remarkable plays of the season. At one point in the 4th quarter, he pulled down a defensive rebound but unable to control his bloated frame, he barreled over Orien Greene and knocked him into the front row, and as he himself started to fall TJ Ford stole the ball and went to the rim. Unbelievable. He's so destructive to the Celtics that I wouldn't be surprised if he had something to do with all that bad coke reaching the virgin nostrils of Len Bias. Ohhhhhh, tasteless. Sorry. Let's move on.

Quote of the Night - "Thank you," Gerald Green. In what has to be a first in the history of the league, cameras caught Gerald Green uttering these two simple words to the normally anonymous kid handing him a paper cup full of Gatorade. What, is he trying to win Celtic Cutsey Pooh of the Year from Delonte West? Sorry pal, Delonte the Spongebob Squarepants hugger is a future 1st ballot Cutsey Pooh Hall of Famer. Is he vying for inclusion on the CelticsDoom "All Gentle Team"? Sorry, Mike Olawakandi is still ahead of you. Anyway, no word on whether Gentle Gerald says "thank you" to those menaced by his aggressive attack mastiffs.

Ups and Downs - March Edition

2006-03-09T15:56:00.000-05:00

It’s been awhile since we trotted out the Up and Down meter for guidance, but the Celtics’ recent winning ways have cast doubt and confusion amongst the remains of the CelticsDoom staff, and it seemed a good time to assess things through its incorruptible lens. Three for today. Perhaps more tomorrow.

DOWN – Trading Paul Pierce
UP – Keeping Paul Pierce forever and ever and ever

Yes, this magic season of rebirth has reached critical mass, and Pierce has accumulated so much goodwill in the minds of soft-hearted Celtics fans that he could pretty much spend the next 21 games wallowing in his own feces in the middle of the TD Banknorth parquet and there would still be a sizeable number of people comparing him to Larry Bird demanding we sign him ASAP to a Ray Allen type extension. The problem with all this happy-crappy stuff is that Pierce has been playing out of his mind all season, but the team still sucked ass until the improbable heroics of Ryan Gomes and, to a lesser degree, Delonte West, transformed us from “hateful underachievers” into “likeable kinda-.500 team.” Re-signing him obviously commits us to building around him - a well known road that leads to the 8th seed and the emotional-debtors prison of NBA marginalia. Trading him is a roll of the dice that leads us through fire and uncertainty and many, many losses, but could ultimately be the only chance at climbing back into the land of champions.

UP – Ryan Gomes
DOWN – Everything you thought you loved in this world before Ryan Gomes became a starter

Gomes is the story of the post-trade Celtics, a fairy tale from nowhere that has come to dominate the conversation of our immediate future. It is the story of an unlikely hero buried on the bench by a naked emperor (Doc) and tormented by the ugliest of all stepsisters (Scalaburine), until injuries to his two other, far less wicked stepsisters, put him into the big time he had deserved all along. Midnight will at some point strike and that majestic carriage of endless promise will transform into a pumpkin of solid NBA role player, but fuck it, he’s proving once again that a smart four year college player can make a much more lasting impact than an impossibly talented, yet dumb, high school man-child. Think of him as Shane Battier without the haughty pretense.

UP – Regretting the loss of Marcus Banks
DOWN – Regretting the loss of Ricky Davis

This one is mysterious to me, but sure enough, fickle Celtics fans have abandoned all memory of Ricky and seem content to tolerate Wally “Wounded Knee” Szczerbiak, even as he shoots a lusty 5-17 and aggravates all within line of sight with his passionate scowls and spastic high-fives. While Wally has yet to become a Grousbeck hard-on fan fave ticket shifter, it’s still astounding that most Celtics fans have made willing purchase of the post-trade shitfucking from Celtics PR sources about how Ricky was a problem and a malcontent. Granted, I believe many of these things, but Ricky was the face of the franchise during the Great Uncertainty of Summer-Winter ’05, and it’s sad to see him so readily dispatched in the hearts of the fans. Marcus, on the other hand, grows all the more epic in his absence, most notably with his mighty inclusion into the 24-36 Wolves starting lineup. “…his destiny as a good player on a bad team.” Yup, it’s finally come true.

Bullet Points

2006-03-08T09:50:00.000-05:00

I missed the first half of this game, so instead of a full recap I'll just make a few Bullet points. Haha, get it?

Pierce's game winning shot was pretty fucking amazing, but a fallaway three pointer while double teamed was just about the worst option you can have at that point. This is not poo-pooing Pierce so much as it's making the point that without Delonte or a reliable Wally Sczcerbiak, Pierce HAS to take that shot regardless of how difficult/unlikely it is.

If you just can't get enough of Tommy's ref-baiting, tonight found our man spouting invective over TWO replays of the "controversial" past two games against the Wizards, wherein Gilbert Arenas was given the exact same calls Paul Pierce always gets in tight situations. The normal headache one gets when Tommy trots off into la-la land was increased by a factor of ten during these ugly moments. It was a towering example of professional self-indulgence along the lines of Kublah Kahn’s decree for the creation of a stately pleasure dome in Xanadu, or recent events involving Kevin Federline and the unchecked abuse of a Florida recording studio.

I can't imagine Gomes is going to lose his starting job this season, or maybe even next. He and Raef are just far too coaching friendly for the hyper insecure Doc Rivers, and it will be far too tempting to try and convert Al into an explosive scorer off the bench, and to ultimately make Perk a kinda-specialist who gets minutes against teams with bigger front lines. While we all dig Gomes, it's doubtful that he can consistently get the job done against the Wallace Bros or any of the legit big players in the game. I would hope that at very least we get to see a couple games with Gomes and Perk starting together, and determine if that makes any basketball sense.

In the post-game interview with Gorman, Pierce was about as genuinely happy as I've ever seen a professional basketball player allow himself to appear. It was strange to see him beaming and gushing about how much he loves being a Celtic, but I guess that’s a valid emotional response to hitting a game winner while in mid-stride of your career season. No report yet on whether or not he got roped into hanging out with the Wyc Grousbeck (who made the trip to our nation’s capitol) for a fine evening of cocktails, college life anecdotes and many, many uncomfortable silences.

Quote of the Night - "...which has hurt in some critical ball handling moments," Mike Gorman on the topic of Orien Greene's inability to reliably hold, dribble or pass the basketball. The immature among us found this far more interesting as a Brokeback Mountain-esque double entendre, a common broadcast theme which Gorman's hyper-earnest-ness plays right into. I can only imagine that Oriene's general (and underdiscussed) clumsiness would extend to the realm of ball handling in all of its iterations, but to get to the point of causing hurt, that's simply remarkable. Way to go, O!

Notes to the Academy

2006-03-07T13:25:00.000-05:00

In honor of tonight’s probable loss against the Wizards, I would like to once more plug the Wizznut, who is the finest and funniest basketball blogger ever. For obscure August Strindberg jokes and flat out weirdness, no one beats the work of the pseudononymous Darvin and Dana Ham. www.wizznutzz.com. Catch the Bacon.

In other news, Peter May had a piece in the Globe arguing for what most of us here have been saying all along – tank the season and get lower in the lottery. Whether or not this draft is deep or not, which is open to much debate, it would behoove us to get a stab at picking up some decent talent, rather than narrowly miss the playoffs and get a crappy late lottery pick. The more minutes Gomes, Green, Perk and Al Jefferson get on the floor from here on out, the less painful the process of finding a rotation will be next season. Yes, much of this seems obvious, but remember there are those who think that with a healthy Wally Z, we can go deep in the playoffs.

Coc has been off the hot seat of late, which goes to show what a handful of wins can do after everyone has written you off as a shameful embarrassment. The fascinating story, and one which this blog will attempt to delve into in greater detail at a later date, is how a GM handpicked his dream coach, and then had to trade away a third of the team simply to get “his guy” to play the players they had supposedly agreed were going to be developed. Doc is almost a fair/decent coach now by default, simply because he has no choice but to shorten up the rotation and make everyone hew to their role. This highly disturbing for those of us who were counting on Doc taking a bow at the end of the season.

Bonus Coverage – due to an unforeseen ISP software meltdown over the weekend, this bit of priceless wimsy regarding the Indiana game was nearly lost to the caprice of the internet gods. We present to you here for your consideration. “But Celticsdoom,” you might ask, “What’s the point of journalism four days after the fact? Do you think you’re H.L Menken and people will want to read your opinions on issues long ago decided?” Oh no, no, no, not at all. This, bon amis, is merely to Fill Up Space…

A squeaker against the remains of a team once known as the Indiana Pacers, but nonetheless an enjoyable game and a good win. Both teams displayed a level of commitment to defense similar to, say, Tom Sizemore’s commitment to sobriety, and so it came down to the wire in one of those deals where the last team to score wins the game. In tonight’s case, it was a banked in Paul Pierce 3-pointer that did the job.

These Pacers are a vastly different enterprise than even the decimated squad that humiliated us last year in the playoffs. Peja and Stephen Jackson form an uneasy Pierce/Wally-esque duo, while marginal players such as Fred Jones and David Harrison fade in and out of the game to varying degrees of effectiveness. It's a testament to Carlisle that any of this translates into winning basketball, but one cannot help but get the feeling that even with a healthy Jermaine O'Neal, the Pacers have jumped the shark big-time.

The Celtics, on the other hand, continued a series of strong games on the offensive end of the court. Lots of ball movement in the first half, and outside of a disastrous bench-induced meltdown in the 3rd quarter, they kept things close simply by continuing to score. The 4th quarter found them pulling ahead momentum wise with a couple great defensive plays by Delonte West and Pierce that led to layups on the other end.

On the player side of things, Paul Pierce had a 30 point night, and although he slew the Pacers with a bank shot 3 and some great mid-range game, he still lapsed into some bad decision making in the 4th quarter that made this reporter nervous. Delonte was great, Gomes was huge, and Raef continued his stealth-rebirth. The bench demonstrated its usual collection of grotesque and fascinating examples of how not to play the game, including a total choke job by Orien Greene at the free throw line, missing two big ones after making a great effort to grab a key offensive rebound. But I guess since we won, so I shouldn't bitch. Orien did, however, provide a great broadcast moment in the first half when Tommy unleashed some classic blather: "One dribble and Orien can go up as strong or stronger than 90% of the guards in the league." Uhhm, okay.

Player of the Game - Raef LaFrentz. Raef's post-Blount rebirth has been a great story for those of us who appreciate his professionalism and somewhat limited contributions, but tonight was some serious above and beyond shit that saw our fave honkey kinda-stiff come through with an impressive statistical oddity of 11/11/7. Raef and Gomes bring a similar chilled out, unforced game to the floor that has been key to this recent 8 game turnaround, and both are making a valid argument for staying together in the starting lineup when Perk and Al get back.

Hamcock - Wally Szczerbiak. Shut him down. He can't shoot and he's just killing us out there. I assume the dude's knee is what's what as far as his plummeting production is concerned, so if we're really not going to be super-competitive anyway, we might as well shut him down and get him ready to go for next November. I like Wally, I truly do, but it's just sad to watch.

Quote of the Night - "Paul Pierce says you're the next Usher!" Greg Dickerson interviewing Chris Brown. The worst yet in the ongoing series known as "Greg Dickerson - my career is a desperate embarrassment." Tonight found our man attempting to make journalistic kissy-face with this lamest of all noveau RnB "stars," the musically forgettable and forgettably named Chris Brown. The convergence of two guys who will most likely no longer be working in their respective fields in three years made this a particularly laughable display, but I suppose it's par for the course when considering the mediocrity magnet that is the TD Banknorth Garden. Speaking of, bonus points to the cameramen for locating a possibly drunken Donny "I'm the unfamous" Wahlberg, Celtics superfan, mugging for the cameras during a timeout. Sadly, one is forced to assume that if Donny is at the game, then pre-production on Saw III has stalled.

"Hate Me For My Stupid Fouls"

2006-02-26T23:39:00.000-05:00

A stellar win. The Celtics shoved ESPN's aching desire for a night of Kobe Bryant highlights straight up the worldwide leader's ass and took down the Lakers by moving the ball and playing a solid team game. We got huge nights from Pierce, Ryan Gomes and Delonte West, while the LaKobes were pretty much unable to muster anything to supplement Mamba's huge night beyond an inconsistent Lamar Odom and what amounted to a coming out party for Ronny Turiaf.

The game was fairly close throughout and although the Celtics were up by 12 during a monster 37 point 3rd quarter, it had the feeling of a game that was heading to the wire. Indeed, this shit truly got decided when Delonte West, who was covered with the figurative sperm of 3 ESPN announcers figuratively whacking off on him all night, fouled out with 3 minutes to go and the Celtics up 4. It was the moment where we reasonably expect the Celtics to implode, and while they kind of did, they still managed to hold on via a huge offensive rebound/put back by Ryan Gomes and a mind bogglingly bad foul by Kobe on Pierce with 3.7 seconds left in the game. A missed Kobe shot later and the Celtics were dancing off the court with one of their more unlikely wins of the season.

On the player side of things, Pierce had a solid mano-a-mano with Kobe, doing most of his damage from the line, winding up with 39 points and the game winning free throw. Raef continued his string of quietly respectable games, lending credence to the theory that playing next to Perk makes him a low-performing power forward rather than his traditional position as low-expectation center. Orien Green... I can't talk about Orien without risking a headache, but he did hit one big free throw. Brian Scalabrine was his usual embarrassment, and while the ESPN guys politely refrained from tearing him apart, Doc Rivers took a big public shit on him when he committed one of the dumbest 24 second clock violations the Assocation has ever seen. If you saw it, you know what I mean. Remarkable stuff.

Anyway, tonight was a very good win over a kinda-quality opponent, and having suffered much during my childhood because of those fucks in the purple and gold, I still think it's a special thing to beat the Lakers. Now if we could only beat, like, you know, the Nets or the Magic.

Player of the Game - Ryan Gomes. Pierce had the gaudy numbers, but Ryan basically won the game with his sick rebound over three Lakers that kept the Celtics momentum moving forward in the waning moments of the game. His 19/12 seemed completely effortless and entirely within the flow of the game, something even Al Jefferson cannot claim to have yet accomplished. To think that this dude from Waterbury is out there schooling the likes of Chris Mihm and Kwame Brown at the Staples Center in front of Jack Nicholson is just plain weird. To think that he couldn't beat out the likes of Justin Reed for minutes earlier this season is even weirder.

Hamcock - Wally Sczcerbiak. It very well could have gone to the always deserving Brian Scalaburine (who keeps racking up the tittypoints at a record pace), but tonight Wally had yet another game where his outside shot was on the fritz (4-12) and he gave us nothing down the stretch. I mean, we're a team with no consistent offensive options beyond Pierce and Delonte, so if we can't count on Wally to put the ball in the bucket in close games, what the fuck is the point in having him out there? To serve as the catalyst for humorous broadcast moments where the announcers confuse him with Raef LaFrentz and then refuse to correct themselves for fear of injecting some kind of racial tinge to the proceedings? Alright, fine, I answered my own question.

Quote of the Night - "He gets fouled by Kobe from behind," Tim Legler. Little could be less interesting in life than listening to an ESPN broadcast team call a game with their usual mixture of Kobe worship and awkward hyper-masculine dynamics, but I took on this abuse to my dignity as a viewer in order to get a night of from Heinsohn's degenerate boosterism. This Legler comment serves as the springboard for a joke about rape, the dual meaning of the word 'foul,' the way in which language changes through context, and a common sexual position performed uncommonly over a chair. I leave it to you to make it.

Just like the Utah game only much, much different

2006-02-23T00:01:00.000-05:00

Quantum mechanics teaches us that there are no true certainties, only raw probability amidst the governance of chance, but no one with a brain in their head could have thought of tonight's final result was anything other than a fait accompli. Granted, the Celtics played quite a bit harder than expected and the Suns fucked around a little less efficiently than one would have presumed, but for all the relentless broadcast hype to the contrary, this one was really never in doubt. The Celtics got behind early, see-sawed throughout the game, and went down swinging in a not-as-close-as-it-looked final two minutes.

The Suns were dominant, but not frighteningly so, as Steve Nash had probably his worst game of the season and the whole Suns team played something that looked like defense but wasn't quite. The Celtics were game in trying to play spoiler, but under the best of circumstances we'd be fucked, and not having the services of Perk, Al and Wally SzczDamagedGoods didn't help. So it was a cutesy character building loss that will occupy its own mantle in the large collection of fools gold many Celtics fans keep tucked away inside their big imaginative hearts.

On the player side of things, the most interesting development was Gerald Green playing some meaningful minutes and actually rising to the challenge. He ended up with 15 points and, outside of the fact that he has yet to grasp the concept of moving without the ball, he looked much more confident and NBA ready than he ever has before. Look for Doc to bench him from here on in. The other big story was that Delonte West had a career night with 30 points, three of which were owed to a sick half-court buzzer-beater at the end of the 3rd. Tony Allen was alternately horrific and decent. Raef was solid, Pierce sucked in the 2nd half, and Ryan Gomes continued his steady play.

To sum it up - no surprises in the big picture, but not the worst loss one could imagine. I'm really fucking tired, so on to the awards.

Player of the Game - Shawn Marion. Last time he won this, we discussed his stupid sneaker commercial, but tonight the Matrix really deserved our highest "honor" by surpassing his somewhat surprisingly low career high of 41 points with 44. Two summers ago this dude was in every trade rumor you'd hear (including for our own rumor mill grist Paul Pierce), now serving as Steve Nash's primary bullseye, he is a top 15 talent. Just goes to show what an impact player can do vs. an overrated yet productive wing player. Sorry, sorry, sorry, what I meant to say was that perhaps in today's era of vastly lowered expectations, CelticsDoom should get on the bus and compare Bird/Dominique 1988 to Delonte/Marion 2006. Yeah! Best shootout ever!

Hamcock - Brian Scalabrine. This one was primarily for the sequence in the 2nd quarter when he bricked a 20 ft jumpshot, got the long rebound and immediately bricked another. Classic Scalaburine - one for the time capsule. Granted, he had a nice hustle move in the 4th, going to the floor to maintain possession, but there really can be no question that this useless dick does far more harm than good while on the floor. With an impending rotational trainwreck ahead whenever Doc tries to reintegrate Al and Perk, watch for this fuckhead to get all the minutes instead of the vastly more deserving Ryan Gomes. It just belies all rational explanation the grip this guy has on his position.

Quote of the Night - "JoJo's done just an admirable job," Tommy Heinsohn via telephone. After the disastrous Cedric Maxwell experiment from earlier in the season, it seems the well has run dry of former Celtic stars willing to beat the broadcast drum and play nice-nice with Gorman when Heinsohn takes ill. Fortunately, at least for the dozens left who give a fuck about the Celtics and are over the age of 40, JoJo White was available to grace us all with his utterly humorless analysis. It has become clear why the former Finals MVP has lingered on the Celtics payroll in some vague capacity for all these years - JoJo has the sound of a man you just do not fuck with. Unlike Tommy whose bullying demeanor ultimately comes off as so much hot air, JoJo gives the scary impression that his thoughts are well considered and deadly serious when he utters such dangerous nonsense as "this reminds me of last night's game against Utah" and "the Celtics can win this game." In short, he is a terrifyingly intense company man, and when one considers that Mark Blount counted JoJo among his only friends in the organization, it paints a grim picture of a wild-card true believer running amok behind the scenes with a fake title and loads of free time. That, my friends, is how professional grade Kool-Aid is made.

Double Cleveland Steamer

2006-02-15T23:47:00.000-05:00

A tough double-OT loss that felt so improbable as it unfolded it seemed as if the Celtics were fated to win. Cruel reality reigned supreme, however, as Pierce fouled out with around a minute left in OT2 and the hapless Celtic-remainders could find no way of scoring without him.

The Cavaliers for the most part underwhelmed, and it seems as if their team has a serious basketball IQ drop-off after Mr.'s James and Snow leave the court. Or maybe they just felt embarrassed playing against the likes of Orien Greene and Brian Scalabrine, and it was shame that kept the game close. At one point in the 2nd quarter, as the Celtics 2nd unit flailed around wildly and fell behind by 10, I wrote the phrase "the sad dance of bewildered clowns" on my notepad, and I think it sums that part of the game up quite well.

The story of the Celtics this game was very simple - no one other than Pierce could get anything going on offense, so he essentially took the game over and threw down a career high 50 before fouling out. He saddled that very fine and somewhat frightening line between "putting the team on his shoulders" and "blatantly ignoring his teammates," but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt as it was clear early on that tonight his teammates mostly deserved to be ignored. Delonte had his best "pocket Lafayette Lever" game since opening night, which was fittingly punctuated throughout the broadcast by Tommy's ridiculous hyper-defensive "Delonte's really a point guard and fuck everyone who doesn't think he is" commentary. Yeah yeah yeah, Tommy, he's John Fucking Stockton.

So yeah, Pierce made the Celtics look respectable from the 3rd quarter on, and although they fell short, it wasn't the kind of effort that made you embarrassed to be a fan. Long game, long night, and I'm tired. Let's get to the awards.

Player of the Game - LeBron James. With a sterling 42/11/12 line, the King of the Association did not disappoint the thousands of fans who came to the TDB Garden primarily to see him play. No one outside of the Celtics fanbase takes this LeBron/Pierce rivalry seriously, but it is kind of funny how desperately Pierce wants to stick it to the league's golden boy. Tonight's performance should get Pierce plenty of run on Sportscenter, but he's still just a regional star and LeBron's still the savior.

Hamcock - Brian Scalabrine. In the second overtime we saw this dipshit try to thread an impossible pass to Paul Pierce through three defenders and then brick a wide open top-of-the-key three pointer. Even Heinshon gave him some shit, which is akin to Paris Hilton telling Tara Reid she parties too much. I guess the "little things" Scalabrine provides include turnovers at crucial points in the game along with the occasional missed wide-open look. Yup, ladies and gentlemen we give you your Bewildered Clown #1.

Quote of the Night - "The last great shootout I saw was Larry Bird vs. Dominique Wilkins. Maybe this will match it!" Tommy Heinsohn, breathlessly pumping up the Pierce/Lebron "all star vs. all star" matchup. An utterly disgraceful violation of Celtics history, as Tommy "Kill Yr Idols" Heinsohn dared compare one of the greatest moments in Boston team-sports playoff lore with a meaningless mid-season contest between these likely lottery bound Celtics and a decent-but-not-yet-great Cavaliers team. I know, I know, it was a great game and the Pierce/LeBron thing actually delivered, but please, comparing 1988 with any game this year is like two gay cowboys comparing Brokeback Mountain sex to a $2 truck-stop hand job. Ain't even close Tommy.

Failblazers

2006-02-10T22:49:00.000-05:00

When troubled-songwriter/Portland-native Elliot Smith drove a kitchen knife through his own heart in October of 2003, he could not have imagined what an appropriate metaphor his suicide would make for the effort put forth tonight by his hometown basketball team. So shamefully apathetic were the Blazers that the game often felt as if we were playing against five Mike Olowakandi's backed up by seven Mark Blount's, and by God the Celtics took advantage of it, destroying these weak-willed fucks in a good old fashioned steamrolling.

That said, there really isn't much to recount in detail. The Celtics dominated the entire game, demonstrating a fairly crisp passing game that led to a pair of huge nights from Pierce and Wally. The Blazers stood around like morons while the Celtics re-implemented the 3-point line weave that had worked so well earlier in the season at getting players to move without the ball. Zac Randolph, who more and more resembles some kind of mutated man-slug out of an HP Lovecraft story or one of those Orcs in the Lord of the Rings movies, showed why he's the only 18/9 man in the league that absolutely no one else wants on their team. Thought Mark Blount was stealing from team owners? This fuck is minting bills with his own money machine and shoving them up Paul Allen's ass one small denomination at a time.

On the player side of things, Doc kept a short rotation until garbage time, and as such there was no "Pierce goes to the bench for Orien Greene" moment where we see "bad 12 point swing up ahead" written all over it. Ryan Gomes started and proved exactly what many of us have thought all along - he is a solid low post player who should have been getting steady minutes all season. Pierce had a monster shooting game, Raef came alive, and Orien Greene made my head ache. During the last 9 minutes of terribly officiated garbage time we saw new face "what's his name" Jones get some time and prove possibly a more serviceable 15th man than Curtis Borchardt. Gerald Green looked like a precious 19 year old (tossing his headband after bricking two free throws) until he laid down a monster dunk that was Kedrick Brown-ian in its "this guy probably sucks but I still wish he played a lot" factor.

So basically, good game, nice win, but I'll be a lot more impressed if we can do it it against the Magic on Sunday.

Player of the Game - Ryan Gomes. I think it's fair to say that Ryan helped establish an early tone, out hustling the aforementioned sack of shit Zac Randolph and pulling down 7 boards in the first half alone. His numbers were a modest yet fully representative 4/9, and he showed exactly why his smooth, unforced game was chosen over the departed Justin Reed, who often played basketball as if he were the human embodiment of quantum field fluctuations. So anyway, Ryan, from all the sick motherfuckas at St. Mary's Hospital, to all your fly homies at the Seven Angels Theater, and to the keepin-it-reeeeeeal kids on the way to the creepiest TGI Fridays in America (next to the Barnes and Noble Bookstore, yo), Waterbury CT says to its favorite son - "Knowing Doc, You Probably Won't Play Next Game!"

Hamcock - Tony Allen. It's getting embarrassing, he's afraid to shoot and just looks completely fucked in the head. Someone ought to suggest putting Inmate #42 down until his legal fate is determined, because right now he's tittyfucking the team concept every time he's on the floor. Outside of leading the team in audibly screamed "fuck"'s making it onto the FSN broadcast, this dude has done nothing good for the team all year.

Quote of the Night - "Boooo!" RickyDFan. I'm assuming this one, but our great, great, great pal RickyDFan was at the game tonight and promised that he would unload on the hated Wally Szczerbiak from his fourth row seats. Handsome Wally started off 0-3, so I'm assuming RDF was able to vent his spleen most satisfactorily. If he gave the finger to the former Buckets Brigade, all the better.

Notes From a Free Fall

2006-02-09T16:20:00.000-05:00

There are naught but crumbs left on our plate for the rest of this dismal season, and only two storylines remaining of any real interest for anyone but the most obsessive diehard – namely, the fate of Paul Pierce and Doc Rivers. Today we waste our time, and yours, examining these subplots.

DOC
Doc Rivers is a failure by any and all applicable standards of NBA coaching, and his removal is a necessary first step in bringing a degree of credibility back to the franchise. From the refusal to defend the inbounds pass in the 2nd game of the season (against Detroit), to the maddeningly inconsistent rotations (including the inexplicable early season burial of a productive Kendrick Perkins), to the continued unwillingness to truly develop the young players (e.g. – Ryan Gomes), Doc has failed so spectacularly that his career is in a free fall with an irreparably damaged reputation throughout the league. Which brings us to the point – will Doc walk or does he need to be pushed?

By all reasonable measure of human expectation, there is no doubt he should be fired. Unfortunately, Danny has placed so much stock in Rivers that removing him requires the admission failure to such a degree that it would necessitate questioning Ainge’s continued employment. This is not palatable to either Danny or the Banner 17 consortium who invested so much PR capitol in painting a rosy picture of the former on-the-court adversaries/new-best-frens (sic) leading the franchise, hand in manly hand, to the promised land. Doc, on the other hand, needs to salvage some degree of honor, and only through an ironclad excuse or a sudden turnaround is he going to avoid his destiny as a first-rate laughingstock.

As we have seen, the “poor Doc, so far away from home” spin has already been injected into the local news bloodstream, lending credibility to the idea that a “no hard feelings” buy out is imminent, and Doc will be sent away with a big fat check and mapquest directions to a TNT broadcast booth. The conventional wisdom, which I subscribe to, is that something quite like this is on the way, but he’ll stick it out to the end of the season.

My only advice to the Celtics would be that they impose a far stricter gag-order on the man-who-would-be-coach than they did on the human embarrassment that was John Carroll. Carroll’s public motherfucking of a franchise that went above and beyond to keep him financially whole in the wake of his 3 month post-OB babysitting gig is one of the most shameful displays of ingratitude this reporter has ever seen. I am no fan of Wyc and Co., but they allowed Carroll to linger on the payroll for far longer than he deserved, and the least he could have done was keep his stupid mouth shut about the experience while writing unreadable/un-insightful columns for the worldwide leader. Money, in this case, should definitely have talked.

PIERCE
Paul Pierce was named to the All-Star reserve squad today, a meaningless token that virtually no one takes seriously and only a tiny handful of people without financial ties to the Celtics even care about. Pierce deserves the honor this year just as much as he did not deserve it last year, but the whole thing has been received with a collective shrug, and a subtle acknowledgement among many fans that Gilbert Arenas was at least equally deserving of the honor. Nonetheless, it is what it is, and for many reasons this will most likely be Paul’s final appearance as an all-star. Even in this, his career year, he has proven incapable of carrying a team on his own, and his future will likely either entail 1) dominating the offense on a struggling Celtics team, or 2) playing a less central role on a winning team. In either case, he is both old news and a known quantity to a league that obsesses over new faces and reliable winners. He is not likely to eclipse this season in terms of personal/stat productivity, and thus he will be perceived as being on a downswing while his team continues to struggle.

So the question remains, will Pierce be moved out, or will he be gifted with a max contract extension from Wyc and the boys for continuing to serve as the face of the franchise? This blog has made its opinion clear, but it is equally clear that there is heavy-duty resistance to the concept of shipping out Pierce and starting completely anew. The Wally Szczerbiak trade was a shocking confirmation of the self-delusion at work in the front office, and the continued belief that the team can build a winner around Pierce over the next few years.

Obviously, the most likely course of action is inaction, and the forces-that-be will congratulate themselves for running such a great organization that they can hold onto their “franchise player” even while the franchise regresses and spins its wheels. Pierce will sign an extension, as most NBA players do, because the money is right and the situation is comfortable (see Ray Allen). The crowds will dwindle, we will continue to make marginal trades, and sometime around 2020 ole #34 will be raised to the rafters by a new ownership group that wants to pay tribute to a past most Celtics fans will by that point have forgotten. And like rabbits we will all eat our young.

Magical Misery Tour

2006-02-04T22:35:00.000-05:00

If it didn't waste two hours of my life that could be better spent doing almost anything (ie - masturbating, cleaning fish tanks, watching fine cinema, or all of the above), I might be able to appreciate these Celtics games more as performance art/comedy. It has gotten to the point where we know what's going to happen and can only be amazed every game by how little the reality varies from our assumptions. We are generally guaranteed the following - the Celtics will either fall behind early or implode at some point in the second quarter, eventually climb back in the game, and then come up short in a fourth quarter rally that will make the game seem much closer than it really was. Tonight was no exception, although the gutless lethargy on display in the first quarter was interesting in light of the fact that these players know full well how much Shits Rivers wants to win on his former home floor.

So yeah, 4 quarters of mind numbing, mediocre basketball played by two teams that are sitting next to each other in the middle of the NBA pack for a brief moment before heading off in separate directions. I'll let you guess who's going down. I had a challenging week personal-relationship wise, so in lieu of a description of tonight's meaningless exercise in fulfilling the demands of the Association's schedule makers, I'd like to instead talk about a few things I haven't had time to write about all week.

1) I'm really sick of Mike and Tommy praising defensive "effort" on plays where the opposing team scores. A recent egregious example of this was during a "last night in the NBA"-thing when Mike praised Deshawn Stevenson for getting a game winning jumper buried in his face by Joe Johnson. "He got his left hand up." Please. How many goddamn times do I have to hear that Pierce "did all he could do to contain him" when some guy torches him in the face of utter indifference? Let's all agree that generally speaking, if a guy scores, the defense didn't do its job.

2) That Foxwoods commercial with the fat guy and his big green titties is back and it really makes me ill. How did this ad survive the pitch process, let alone get filmed? Not only does it commit true violence on all accepted notions of the beauty of the human form, but it also contains some of the worst written "likeable workin' man" lingo this side of a preening political ad. Bake my scrod indeed. What's next, Brian Scalabrine in a thong?

3) I found Bill Simmons' favorite blog's recent attack on the fanbase ("scapegoating") shocking. I like the author of the piece, but my God, this team is a complete fucking disaster (see above), why shouldn't the fans obsess a bit on ascribing blame? The record speaks for itself, there is no hiding from the fact that the Celtics are an embarrassment and are at least 5 years away from being a consistently competitive team. Any franchise that can sell the idea of stockpiling picks for the 2008 draft to its fanbase with a straight face is in dire, dire trouble. Everyone who is blamed full well fucking deserves it. Especially Coc.

4) I missed last night's game but the loss of Al Jefferson might very well save his ass from getting moved in a compulsive Ainge trading-deadline move. Unless we're getting Chris Bosh back, I'm not liking the rumors about him being shipped out.

Anyway, back to tonight: On the player side of things, we had another pointless "great performance in a loss" from Pierce, a brief Gerald Green siting, and a solid outing from Perk. Wally Szczerbiak still can't szczshoot, Delonte looks more and more overwhelmed, and Ryan Gomes wasn't deemed worthy of earning minutes in this post-Al Jefferson injury world. Orien Greene impressed the 94 people who came to see him with his uncanny ability to get time on an NBA court even though it appears as if he would have trouble cracking the rotation for the semi-pro Marathon Oil squad. Oh yeah, also, Coc "went small" which I mention only to inspire more fine comedy from our treasured commentators.

Player of the Game - Dwight Howard. He's a theater man, a hardcore Christian, and the best under 21 player in the game not named LeBron. Or is LeBron 21 now? Anyway, this dude is a true cornerstone player and I am filled with hateful envy every time I see him play. His post game interview with Mike and Tommy was David Stern's ultimate wet dream - an articulate and polite NBA star with no tattoos or detectable sense of burning resentment.

Hamcock - Brian Scalabrine. With Al on the shelf, it is truly 'Urine time, and our worthless honkey sometime-blogger has a chance to lock up the season-end Hamcock of the Year award. What we learned tonight is that he might lead the league in agreeing with referee's calls that go against him. Keep nodding Scallywag, they're the only ones watching who don't hate you.

Quote of the Night - "When you think about it, these guys could be banging each other for the next 10 or 12 years," Mike Gorman on the topic of Perk and Dwight Howard. Best quote of the season, hands down. I can only ruin it by talking about it, but if there was a movie called Brokeback Perkin, I imagine the tagline would be - "I wish I could quit (losing to) you."

Phucked Up by Phoenix

2006-02-01T22:35:00.000-05:00

Another classic, depressing loss that felt at once both avoidable and yet utterly inevitable. The Celtics came out as flat as a line reading from a typical UPN comedy, found themselves sitting on the ugly side of 20 at intermission, and then fell short in a mammoth 2nd half comeback led by a raging Paul Pierce. The comeback was impressive and exciting but also probably fools gold, as it was apparent early on that the Suns were interested in playing only as hard as they needed in order to win.

The big story of the night as far as we're concerned was the wildly misguided insertion of Brian Scalaburine into the starting lineup. This was, as our good friend myassholestnx predicted, a true Coc Rivers special. Not only is this honkey dope a disaster on the boards and real questionable on defense, but he's now so terrified of shooting the ball (and getting booed) that he keeps turning down open looks and passes the ball to people like Raef LaFrentz when there's 2 seconds left on the clock and defenders are draped all over him (him being Raef). The Celtics were so utterly disjointed and uninspired to start the game that this hugely stupid decision must be also entered as evidence in the ongoing case of CelticsDoom vs. Doc Rivers.

In other player news, Inmate #42 continued his streak of "why did we ever think this guy was any good?" games, Al Jefferson had a monster first half and a decent game overall, Perk was solid but is turning the ball over alot a la the late, unlamented Mark Blount. Pierce had a humongo game, scoring 33 points in the second half alone, but curiously continues to choke at the free throw line in key situations. Another in a long line of examples of why comparing him to Larry Bird is insulting and truly stupid.

So basically we got beat by a better team and made our lives much more difficult by only playing a single half of basketball. Which team are we? The collection of corpses and b-rate NBDL'ers from the first half, or the somewhat energized 3-point chucking .500-ish team that played close in the 2nd? Either way, it's a long fucking road from #17.

Player of the Game - Shawn Marion. I don't even care that he played well tonight, this is in honor of that hugely stupid sneaker advert where he excels in a 2-on-2 game with some anonymous guys in a gym while wearing a heavy kevlar vest. Is it just me or is that really anti-climactic when they show the vest in the end? I mean, I would expect he'd probably beat a couple of rec league guys in a pick up game while wearing weights or something to impede his movement, he is after all a huge NBA star. Want to impress me? Want to blow my mind with something utterly unfathomable and have me buy his goddamn sneakers? Have him beat those guys with Doc Rivers coaching him on the sideline. Now that's a commercial!

Hamcock - Wally Szczerbiak. 1-9 from the field and he had Heinsohn reduced to praising his picks and passes for want of any real production. The box score says he had 10 rebounds and 6 assists, but everyone who watched the game knows that this hardly reflects accurately on his lackluster performance. Interesting thing though, Wally has definitely filled the free-throw-butt-slap-gap that was created in the wake of the trading Mark Blount. This honkey pats his new 'mates down like he's looking for a hidden weapon or perhaps some pocket change. Get your fucking szcshands off me!

Quote of the Night - "They have to learn their lines, as character actors," Tommy Heinsohn on the continued struggles of Orien Greene and "Birdy" Allen. We haven't heard Tommy pull out the "Celtics as a Broadway production" metaphor in quite a while, and it was nice to have our old friend/literary device trotted out and flogged anew. Here's a continuation of the metaphor, if I may - The Celtics have to acknowledge that the script is fatally flawed, the Director is dangerously stupid, the actors are never going to be stars, and the producers could give two fucks if we ever win a Tony award, just as long as there's a steady stream of paying customers. Break a leg, indeed.

Timber, indeed

2006-01-30T23:42:00.000-05:00

A ghastly experience, less a like watching a basketball game and more like witnessing an epic emotional flogging. The amount of baggage in play tonight rivaled a Kevin Federline Father's Day celebration, only in this case we also had to endure the sight of Mark Blount skipping down a basketball court. The Celtics looked like fools and soft-headed pissants, they made it seem as if in trading away four malcontents they lost their heart, their balls, their desire to win, and their basic understanding of team basketball. It was embarrassing as a fan, even one who expects the worst.

The ominous tone was set early as our heroes fell behind 10-nil. They managed to climb back and get it down to 30-28 at the end of the 1st quarter, but the old adage "you can score a lot of points but still play bad offense" has never been more true. For the entire game all we saw was shitty perimeter shooting and lots of disjointed one-on-one, most particularly from the Captain. The second unit was even worse, demonstrating that while it is painful to watch Pierce try and take over on offense while four other guys stand around, it is even worse when he's off the floor and now all you have is five guys standing around not knowing what to do.

The Timberwolves, on the other hand, were energized, battled for every rebound and loose ball, and got huge nights from all of the former Celtics. There were the to-be-expected one-upmanship battles, all of which were decisively won by the new Timberwolves. We had huge amounts of shit talk from world-class NBA talents Mark Blount and Justin Reed. We saw Marcus Banks annihilate Delonte on a play where he head-faked and left the Herp in the dust on route to completing a three point play. Only Ricky seemed to have an off night, but he should be credited for moving the ball and getting the Wolves offense working in the first quarter.

On the (Celtic) player side of things, there was nothing positive to report. Orien Greene was an utter disaster, Perk provided zero energy, Tony Allen made a good case for being traded for Flip Murray, and Pierce reverted to last year's "can't shoot, tries to take over too much" form. As for Wally, he gave us what we should expect - outside shooting and little else that is helpful. At one point the phrase "Blount grabs the offensive rebound over Scalabrine" threaded a Gregorian knot of confusion and dread in the hearts of Celtics fans everywhere.

With all of the subplots going on in this game (nicely annotated by the eminently readable Celticsblog), it is a real bad indicator of this team's heart that they had such a poor showing. To put it simply, we have a serious problem with a second unit that cannot score, two non-point guards playing point guard, and no real sense of urgency from anyone. Blow it up Danny, blow it all fucking sky high.

Player of the Game - Marcus Banks. We all know this idiot will come crashing back down to earth very quickly, but I admire that he had the balls to come into the game essentially as an afterthought and still proceed to destroy his former team. The move he put on Delonte had to be immensely satisfying for this dumped-on jerk-off after sitting in the golden boy's shadow for the past 1 1/2 seasons. Marcus has many flaws and I am glad he's gone, but for one night at least he seemed to establish a lease on NBA life for himself, and as long as it's not on the Celtics, that's all well and good for me.

Hamcock - Kendrick Perkins. One of my heroes is Keyser Soze, so I have no problem hurting the ones I love in the name of greater truth, and the truth is that tonight Perk sucked hemmoroidal ass. He was certainly not alone, Scalaburine, Orien Greene, Pierce and Tony Allen all were contenders, but Perk was particularly disappointing because his lack of energy, hustle and desire allowed dumbfuck Mark Blount to humiliate him. If ours was a team of samurai, there'd be lots of fingers and tongues being self-amputated this evening, but in Perk's case he'd have to remove an eye for being so cowardly. Maybe this will be the precursor to Pierce making good on his threat to kill him, but most likely he'll bounce back and continue being CelticsDoom teachers-pet.

Quote of the Night - "It's great to be wanted, it's great to be part of a team that's about to become championship level team, and I'm one of the pieces of it," Mark Blount. Early nominee for quote of the year, this gem from the Timberwolves center revealed that within his pee-brain there is a process at work fueled by helpless self-delusion and the mean stupidity of a lonely, wounded animal. Apparently he went on to say that he was glad to be the "focal point" of this very same trade that could only be characterized in that sense if there is an understanding that "unloading overpaid sluggish cancer" is what's meant by "focal point." Of course, he went out tonight and "proved" something to Ainge, et al about his efficacy as a ballplayer, but I guarantee 10 months from now there will be laughter in the East and many, many hurled epithets coming from the Timberwolves faithful. It ain't my money, but if earning it were the thing, then it wouldn't be his either.

Ricky's Gone... part 2

2006-01-30T13:27:00.001-05:00

Ricky Davis should have failed in Boston.

In his first 5 plus seasons, Buckets earned a reputation as a me-first, defense/teamwork/wins be damned modern NBA player. Athletically gifted, Ricky became the proverbial good player on a bad Cleveland team, who quickly jettisoned him before he could take an 18 year-old Lebron out for a night on the town. A reputed shot counter, Ricky came to Boston, whose dwindling fan base still had memories of exquisite passing and selflessness that led to team championships, not individual glory.

Now on his fourth team by the age of 24, Ricky’s arrival was met with some skepticism, especially from fan-boys who bemoaned the break up of the most unwatchable “good” basketball team in history. These jerkoffs were still smarting from the loss of a fat power forward who didn’t rebound, and now all around good guy Eric Williams (read: non-threatening) was traded for a sketchy dude with cornrows and an attitude. Sure, the Celtics have had their share of flashy dunkers (Dee Brown), along with some players who had some off-the-court trouble (Chief), but never before would a player who, lets face it, looked like a dirt bag, test the well-worn stereotype of a racist Boston.

Ricky had one major thing going for him as he donned Celtic green for the first time – the team was fucking BORING. The 2003 Celtics, a year prior to Ricky’s arrival, featured Pierce, Walker, Williams, Delk, Bremer, Shammond Williams, Battie, Walter, Vinny and Blount. You’ll find more athleticism in your average men-over-30 rec league, who are only playing basketball to get away from their wives for a couple hours a week. Actually, that team is a lot like the league I play in, one legitimately good player, one guy who thinks he’s a lot better than he is, a couple of big stiffs, point guards who can’t shoot, a spaz who everyone hates (me), and a drunk. Suffering Celtic fans looked forward to the ten minutes a game Kedrick Brown stumbled through, at least something exciting would happen.

I vaguely remember Ricky’s first home game, when he cheated in the passing lane at least twice to steal the ball, sprint down the floor, and dunk with a flair not seen in years. A fan favorite was born. Unlike the aforementioned Kedrick, Ricky was competent at all aspects of the game, and he was an above average mid-range shooter, something the Celtics had not had since Reggie’s passing. Add in that Ricky’s goofy persona compared favorably to Pierce’s increasing poutiness, and you have a future cult fav. In fact, just weeks after his arrival, Fleet Center fans forgave Ricky when a wide open breakaway look-at-me dunk bounced off the back of the rim. While their basketball instincts may have called for this show boater to be booed, a polite applause followed the initial shock. Was this a good thing? Probably not, but these fans paid good money to watch some up and down the court action, not some 3 and D bullshit.

The very best thing to happen to Ricky was to move to the bench. Although he played starter minutes, Ricky had this chip on his shoulder, underdog thing going. He also hit big shots in the clutch. Ricky publicly embraced his role, and was rewarded with internet appreciation and a fan club as goofy as he (which was tolerable until they joined the unreadable Celtsblog). Most of you are aware of our feelings on Ricky’s role, so I won’t bore you reiterating our correct stance. It should be noted, however, that many soured on Ricky the starter, even though he made reasonable money and played hard.

As Ricky embarks on his fifth team in seven years (wow), he will again be that underdog who has a lot to play for (in addition to “a lot of money”). We here at Doom wish him well. I think Ricky helped shift basketball sentiment in Boston; flashy is not automatically bad, afros are cool, and a player whose role is to just come of the bench and score is just as valuable as the “glue” guy who correctly sets screens and boxes out.

Kings of (in)Convenience

2006-01-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

A sorta surprising win in the aftermath of the polarizing Ricky Davis trade, tonight's game boiled down to a war of attrition between two teams adjusting rather poorly to major personnel changes. From that perspective the Ron Artest subplot proved largely uninteresting, and although WallyZ played significant second half minutes, the game was largely marked by the Celtics profiting from a Mike Bibby performance that redefined the phrase, "off night."

The first half was just absolutely unwatchable summer league type ball - sloppier than a 5 dollar fuck with a whore stuffed full of mayonnaise. I suppose we couldn't expect fluidity, but this was about as disjointed as it gets 42 games into the season. The third quarter saw the Celtics make a run behind the manly play of Perkins and the newly inserted WallyZ, but they squandered a 10 point lead in a fog of turnovers and relentlessly sloppy play. The fourth quarter found our heroes simply outlasting this heartless Kings squad, ultimately burying them with some timely scoring from Al Jefferson and Paul Pierce.

On the player side of things, we saw Tony Allen getting some minutes at the point, which was the rough equivalent of watching a retard trying to grasp the finer points of advanced particle physics. Pierce was closer to awful than good, Al Jefferson occasionally looked awake, and Delonte picked an unusual time to forget how to hit a jumpshot. WallyZ demonstrated his deathless outside shot and his compulsive need to high-five everyone wearing green. I noticed this in the Minni game, the guy acts like a frat-boy playing Quarters during every single stoppage of play. But this is an example of Wally's intangibles, and tonight there was an unbelievably hot MILF-type sitting in the front row, presumably the first in a long line of 30-something divorcees looking to get a smacked full on by a pillow full of temporary dream from Mr. Handsome Boston 2006. Fuck 'em while you're still rich and pretty, Wally.

The real scary part of tonight was watching how easily the Celtics reverted to being a crappy perimeter offense team, and how when they tried to move the ball or run, they generally fucked up and turned the ball over. Although the Kings were held to 74 points, this was not because of great Celtics defense, and the fact that they couldn't just blow them out of the water by scoring a shitload of points was worrisome. I am not an unreasonable man, I understand that this had something to do with the Recent Shakeup. Make no mistake, however, this team has the mark of "struggling till March" written all over it.

Player of the Game - Kendrick Perkins. Sure, Doc sat him late in the 3rd quarter and he never returned, but Perk still showed tonight how much he deserves the minutes that were bestowed upon him via the recent Blount-endectomy. 13/11, 5 blocks and a whole lot of heart. We are not going to be poorly disguised fanboys and turn this blog into the Get Kendrick Brigade (although if we did, we'd be much more polite to Celtics blogs with vastly superior writing and editorial content when doing NBA Carnivals), but again, Perk is one of the few highlights of this season and his mighty play deserves acknowledgement. That Coc sat him during the 4th quarter is just another classic, inexplicable Coc thing that at this point, I have given up trying to pretend I'm surprised by.

Hamcock - Ryan Gomes. Good lord, I know he's been sitting for 13 games, but Ryan stunk up the joint like a giant wet asshole in the land of lost toilet paper. He tried to do way to much on offense and seemed to demonstrate that his idea of shot selection has been tainted by spending far too much time with the now-departed Justin Reed. He'll be fine, I'm sure of it, but on a night of horrific b-ball that put the "urine" back in Brian Scalaburine, to be the worst among the worst was a truly dubious achievement.

Quote of the Night - "You've got to back door him once or twice," Tommy Heinsohn giving some bizarre advice on how to deal with Ron Artest. I was expecting to find the quote of the night during Ainge's second quarter talking-points pow-wow with Mike and Tommy, but he literally had nothing interesting to say. I find I comment on this a great deal, but it shocks me that this guy who used to make his living as a broadcaster comes across as such a sullen pissant when sitting in with the FSN boys. Tommy's wheezing attempts at pumping enthusiasm into the proceedings nonwithstanding, it always turns into a rather uncomfortable spectacle of dueling awkward silences. As for the above mentioned quote of the night, ehhh, who cares, it's nothing more than our petty habit on finding homo-erotic innuendo in the minutiae of the broadcast. Grow up CelticsDoom, no wonder everyone hates you.

Ricky's Gone - part 1 of an ongoing series

2006-01-27T08:50:00.000-05:00

Tough trade to fully evaluate quickly, but here are some immediate negative reactions:

1) The trade essentially boils down to us sacrificing the blue-chip “asset” from Ainge’s one triumphant trade to unload the worst contract he foisted on the franchise. Throw in the fact that we’re getting back a conditional number 1 to make up for the number 1 we foolishly squandered on the Toine rental, and the whole thing starts to sound like a feedback loop.
2) Wally Szczerbiak? The guy is making twice as much as Ricky and signed for an additional year. This brings us into 2008/2009 with $25 million (around half our current payroll) committed to Wally and the mortal remains of Raef LaFrentz. Wally’s contract makes him hugely difficult to trade (just ask Kevin McHale), and his skills just don’t warrant that kind of fiscal commitment.
3) Wally Szczerbiak? Again, what the fuck? He makes us slower, more dependent on outside shooting and worse on defense. The idea of him and Pierce on the floor at the same time trying to defend younger, quicker guards and small forwards is the highest of comedy.
4) Doc Rivers – the trade is essentially an acknowledgement of Doc’s inability to coach this team. Ainge is forcing Doc to play Perk and Jefferson, something that, call me crazy, really could have been accomplished by a coach with a brain and a pair of balls and shouldn’t have necessitated trading Ricky. Just fucking bench Blount and live with it, it’s that simple.
5) Doc Rivers - also, there is clearly some off-the-court shit going down with Ricky, my bet is it has to do with his hold on the younger players and his general disregard for Doc’s coaching. We heard about Ricky flipping out a couple times at practice, saw him half-ass it on defense - that was all probably smoke indicating a much larger fire. A fire that probably could have been prevented by a competent, well respected coach who doesn’t motherfuck his own players to the local media.
6) Direction – two schools of thought on this, but to me it screams “build around Pierce,” and that, as we have stated several times, is folly. This trade does NOTHING to address our two real needs – a real point guard and more toughness, both physical and mental. Wally's not soft, per se, but he's not going to be mistaken for Charles Oakley.

That all said, there are some positives to the trade. We’ll see lots of Inmate #42, which is a crapshoot that can at least provide some entertaining moments. Gerald Green, I would assume, should be called up again at some point and actually get into a game or two. Ryan Gomes is now officially the 12th man (as opposed to the 13th). Marcus Banks finally fulfills the destiny I anticipated for him in the first proto-Doom piece posted on another blog lo those many days ago. Mark Blount and his poisonous bullshit are now the objects of scorn for a faraway franchise foolish enough to take them on.

Still, this trade still feels all wrong… RickyDFan, don’t ever become WallyZfan, please.

(We’ll have more on all this later)

The Land of Perk and Honey

2006-01-20T23:00:00.000-05:00

A fine victory over an overrated Nets squad that is chock full of lamentable dipshits living off their reputations from the pre 9-11 NBA. Alright, maybe that's just Vince Carter, but seriously, I hate this team and hate to see the Celtics lose to them. So it was a good win and yet another example of how the blueprint was supposed to work, and how Doc's willful stubbornness has cost us so many wins this season.

The 1st half seemed an indicator that someone watched the tape of Wednesday's win over the Timberwolves and told Doc that his job might be saved if he spent less time inventing faux NBA terminology ("vocal big" is his latest triumph) and just made a few simple changes to his rotations. And what do you know, it worked. Granted, the Nets came out with their heads up their asses and during the first half caused the announcers to say "turn over" more times than those poor doomed cowboys did on a good weekend up on Brokeback Mountain, but the Celtics played efficient, enjoyable basketball, and got solid contributions from the nine guys who played.

Of course, the 3rd quarter saw the Celtics squander the lead with their own spate of turnovers and generally sloppy play, but it didn't have the usual meltdown quality that we've become so accustomed to. This was proved out in the 4th quarter as the bench played good defense, Perk had a mammoth offensive rebound and put back, Al Jefferson and Delonte connected on a great play, and we withstood a colossal Pierce error when he fouled Kidd on a three pointer. Things got a little dicey at that point, but the Celtics made a solid defensive stand to end the game and survived Vince Carter almost knocking in a 35 foot desperation shot.

On the player end of things, we saw a fully tolerable big man rotation that included Perk and LaFrentz starting, and Jefferson and Scalabrine coming off the bench. Of course, the Nets present very little in the way of genuine front-court presence, so there might be a bit of fool in whatever gold we chose to take out of the positive results. Nonetheless, it was a good development, especially because Mork Cunt was DNP'd. And just to show the kool-aiders that CelticsDoom is always willing to toss them a bone, in the spirit of last year's ill-advised attempt to codify the short-lived West/Banks platoon (I believe "Crash and Burn" was the winner), I submit that they can all use the cutesy "Al and Scal" couplet when rhapsodizing about the team's recent successes. Other duo nicknames we are willing to contribute to the living text of Celtic fandom are ones for Dickau and Tony Allen "Shrink and the Clink" and Gomes and Reed "Functional and Retarded."

So yeah, basically, the gist is that the right players played and the Celtics won. We'll see if they can stay on the right track tomorrow.

Player of the Game - Al Jefferson. Al has officially put together his only decent two-game stretch of the season, and tonight was the best example yet of the possibility of him becoming a McHale (circa 1984) type bench player. We all know his strengths, there's little point to me listing them here, but safe to say they were on display and he wound up with a fully legit 10/10. More than the numbers, the best thing has been watching him and Perk play together and bring some esprit de corps back to this moribund squad.

Hamcock - Delonte West. Delonte, you actually played very well, but 12/2/6 is no longer good enough for you, you lovable little scamp. Step it up man, you have official FSN promos the feature you with the thoroughly baffling tag line that reads, "Some leaders aren't born... they're drafted late in the first round." Who the fuck wrote that one? A paint-sniffing intern with connections to the Grousbeck family? A cynical chimp that happens to know sign language? Also, how can we all fawn over you and pretend that you are a legitimate NBA point guard when every game is marked by you suffering some kind of strange injury? Tonight it was a poke to the right eye, the other day it was a head on collision with a camera man, prior to that it was being stuck with Paul Pierce at a screening of "Glory Road." Good God Herp, don't buy a house on a flood plain.

Quote of the Night - "I want some more bread... you're eating all my bread!" Tommy Heinsohn. Classic semi-funny Tommy moment in the pre-game show as he attempted to communicate the internecine quality of Perk "calling out" Paul in the Timberwolves game, using a family metaphor eerily reminiscent of the CelticsDoom description of the FSN broadcast team in last game's recap. That sound you're hearing is a feedback loop mon freres. In these grim times we are all feeding upon each other like wild weasels in a pit full of weasel-shaped snack treats. Some call it a dearth of original ideas. I choose to call it... synergy.

My Hero Perk

2006-01-20T10:18:00.000-05:00

Doom fav Kendrick Perkins is doing everything he can to wrap up our player of the year in the span of two news cycles. His development on the court has been impressive, but his manly tongue lashing of team bitch/captain gave me a hard-on. As Pierce slept through another lackluster first half, Perk finally stepped up for a team held hostage by their diva captain.

Simply said, Perk bitchslapped Pierce in front of everyone. Something tells me not a man in that locker room, player, coach, towel boy, had PP’s back.

Perk is the perfect man to take on Pierce. Not blessed with the raw talent of a Paul Pierce, and having not gone to college to learn from the likes of Roy Williams ala Pierce, Perk has worked his ass off the last three years. Overweight and overmatched, Perk turned himself into a rebounding/defensive player. Ignored his rookie season, Perk tried to mentor the rookies during his sophomore campaign. When the C’s lacked heart and toughness, Perk clumsily attempted to adopt a thuggish style – resulting in hard fouls and T’s. Belittled in the press as part of a group (the youngsters) by the team captain, and given seemingly random and mindless minutes to work on his craft during games, Perk just kept working. He is a now a fan favorite.

The most impressive part of Perk’s calling-out of Pierce was his play after the incident. He talked shit and backed it up, a quality lacking in the front-running AW/PP Celtics of the past. He made the most important play of the game against arguably the best player in the game.

Some will say that Perk’s 19 rebound effort vs. the 76ers was his NBA coming out party, but I will remember this Minnesota game as the night Kendrick Perkins defined himself as a leader on and off the court, for a team desperately lacking leadership. My only regret is that Pierce didn’t take a swing at him when he threatened to kill him.

Two Fairly Large Tickets

2006-01-18T23:15:00.000-05:00

A gutsy, inspiring win over a quality opponent in what was probably the best game of the season. For many of us who have wasted hours of our lives watching this cruddy team fuck around and produce naught but a big pile of unproductive losses, it was a golden opportunity to shout "about goddamn fucking time" and allow ourselves to get excited about things. About goddamn fucking time we saw Perk and Al play regular minutes, about goddamn fucking time Blount sat his worthless ass, about goddamn fucking time the Celtics stopped turning into zombies and actually played like men in the fourth quarter.

Although it ended on a note of almost epic triumph, the game was actually pretty weird. Similar to the theory of special relativity which posits that any vantage point in spacetime is equally valid to any other, (and thus, illogical observations are not contradictory) two observers in relative motion would have experienced this game as the Celtics playing at their very worst and very best. Things were ugly to start, they melted down completely at the end of the first quarter and trailed by nine at the half. During this stretch Doc played every player he had and this developed into the usual discombobulated disaster we've come to expect.

In the second half, however, Pierce came alive in a big way and the Celtics pressed the "I give a fuck" button on defense. The main reason for the win, however, was that in what was either a case of the paradigm finally shifting or merely a temporary case of lucidity, Doc Rivers actually put Al and Perk on the floor together and left them the game. This momentous event first got underway around minute 8 of the 2nd quarter, and for the record, after months of hearing Doc claim that he couldn't play these two together because they "clog the lanes" for Ricky and Pierce, the first basket scored in the new Al/Perk-era was made by Ricky driving to the basket. Way to go Doc.

As for the others, Delonte played well, Pierce nailed some ice-cold 4th quarter shit that almost made up for him single handedly losing the 76ers game, and Scalabrine played the kind of physical clumsy honky defense on KG that was required to shut the Big Ticket down in the 4th. That's right, you can read it again, the last part is not satire.

So tonight might have been a great step forward or just a blip on the radar, but either way, we finally saw that the blueprint CAN work if it's allowed to be put into practice. Al and Perk need and deserve time on the court, and every minute we waste playing malcontent fucks and washed up veterans is a pointless kick in the balls for our future. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of getting kicked in the balls. Let's hope Doc is too.

Player of the Game - Kendrick Perkins. 17/6, and make no mistake, we would not have won without him. From his momentum turning offensive rebound (against Garnett, no less) and put back in the 4th, to the several big moves around the basket that resulted in 8-11 shooting, to thoroughly befuddling Greg Dickerson with the comment "we all put our shorts on the same way" in the post-game interview, Kendrick did it all. Yes, he's my favorite, but fuck it, he deserves it tonight.

Hamcock - Mark Blount. It seems abundantly clear that this useless fuckhead is on the way out, and tonight most likely amounted to the final nail in the coffin. For some strange reason Doc actually put him on the court in the 2nd quarter, and he was greeted with the sort of lusty booing usually reserved for Cryin' Brian Scalaburine. With any luck, some disgusted group of Timberwolves fans will soon be emulating their call.

Quote of the Night - "I like him too but he's been... dormant," Bob Cousy on the topic of Al Jefferson, punctuated by Tommy yelling "no!" between each syllable of the sentence. I'm not much in the way of a family man, but if we look at the FSN team as a gathering of relatives at Thanksgiving, surely Tommy is the drunken, control-freak patriarch, ie: the malignant ogre who rules the broadcast through sheer belligerence and a complete lack of shame. Couse, on the other hand, is like some kind of dead-eyed grandfather who sits around waiting to die, shattering the illusions of others with the careless power of truth. "Why didn't little Johnny make the baseball team?" Because he's a sissy. "Why is Sally single again this year?" Because she's ugly and no man will have her. "Why is that handsome young physician crying while watching the Celtics game?" Because he is a masochist and he writes about this crappy team for a much-maligned blog.

Note to self - possible career change, look into being a Fox Fan-Caster.

Blow This Bitch Up

2006-01-12T13:58:00.000-05:00

What would you do, fire Doc or trade Pierce?

I’ve seen variations of this question in all the familiar places, most recently in another mostly unreadable Sports Guy column. It’s as if the options, or the logic behind each option, were mutually exclusive. What the fuck? We can either trade Pierce for some young talent and expiring, or we can keep Pierce and fire the coach. Don’t even try to do both.

Do both, Danny. Talk about having your pussy and eating it too.

When we trade Pierce in a few weeks, inevitably for a perceived young stud packaged with Yogi Stewart and maybe a pick, the message is clear. The Celtics are doing right by finally committing to a rebuilding process. Not this fake shit about adding pieces to a star or two; a real process of building a contender 4 or 5 years down the road. In doing so, you commit the team to the development of young talent. As far as I can tell, there are two ways a young player learns how to get better, through experience or a good teacher. Doc is resistant to playing the youngsters, and he certainly is not a teacher.

Not only do I see both options working together, I could see each failing if the other is not completed. Could a new coach improve this team as currently constituted, sure. But to what end? Any change not involving the blow-up of this team will result in the same perpetual mediocrity. Could Doc coach a young team without the threat of his diva captain undermining him? I suppose, but Doc has already lost the team. I thought this guy was a motivator?

The next time you put a little blog/forum poll asking the faithful whether they would rather fire Doc, trade Pierce, or fire Danny – make sure you put a “A and B” option for me.

Our 100th posting

2006-01-10T22:31:00.000-05:00

Tonight's game was so much more than a game, thus it will get no recap. You see, instead of a mere basketball contest between two sub-.500 teams, what we saw tonight was a procession of improbable holy moments gifted by higher powers to bring succor to Danny Ainge and Fox Sports New England. Yes, tonight we witnessed a huge step towards absolutely nowhere that will establish FSN's editorial slant for at least the next ten games. Are you ready for this? Brian Scalabrine is a "solid" player! That's right, solid! You thought he sucked and was an embarrassment to the team and Danny Ainge deserves heaps of scorn for having ever signed him? Well fuck you Charlie, you're wrong! This big white fuck had an offensive rebound! He put the ball back! He played some defense! He's a likely Nobel laureate!

Errrrrrrrr. Too much. What they mean is that Brian Scalabrine ("Scals" remember, not "Veal," our new favorite Celtic of all time does not like being called "Veal") is exactly like a bottle of vintage wine found in the locked basement of your dead uncle's house... no, too weird... it's that he's like a modern day Jesus only without the spiritual backstory... no, might be overstating it... it's more like he's 1986 era Bill Walton but without the talent (bad) or stoned mumbling and undercurrent of brain damage (good!). Hmmm. Fuck it, whatever it is, Tommy loves it and you should too, and if you don't, you're an asshole! Also, you probably are retarded and think the Celtics get pretty much what they deserve from the referees and that Paul Pierce won't be a hall of famer.

So in honor of this occasion, and the Celtics managing to not lose 3 games to the Hawks, I have composed the following oration:

"To Brian Scalabrine, the slavishly praised hero of this evening, you have had your last tender moments in the embrace of the jealous lover that is DNP-CD, and now you have been set free to trip all over yourself, shoot 37% and turn the ball over in key spots for the rest of the season, probably between 8 and 28 minutes a game. Yes, Ryan Gomes, that means you will continue wearing fine suits and dress shirts to the arena and watch from courtside as this honkey stiff soaks up all the burn that is rightly yours (liked tonight's black suit/muted purple shirt combo by the way, very Chestnutt-ian). Justin "Can't" Reed? You better just start taking those evening French classes at the learning annex because you'll be playing your brand of unwatchable ball across the pond in 07, while Brian Scalabrine contributes to 'great practices' here in the states. Al Jefferson? Dude, you've got to go for like 10 points 8 rebounds in the first 3 minutes of play, otherwise there's a big dumb honkey ready to share the floor with Mark Blount and participate in the important process of 'doing the little things.' Speaking of 'doing the little things,' has anyone here ever fucked a midget? Yes? No? Sorry, it's not important. Onward. Perk, well, Perk, there aren't enough tea leaves in China to predict what's going to happen to you on any given night, so, uhhh, stay ready. Delonte, you used to be the default 'good story' for the broadcast to lean on during ugly times, but your ass is on notice, there's a new overachiever in town. His name, in case you didn't catch it..."

It's Paul over now

2006-01-10T12:50:00.000-05:00

Others have already commented on this, but hearing Paul Pierce demonstrate his “team leadership” by telling the media in essence that he wouldn’t mind being traded, shortly after his team suffered a close loss against the Mavericks, has got to be the lowest of the lowlights we’ve witnessed during this grisly season. This one moment embodied everything we’ve come to anticipate from Pierce, everything we kicked under the rug this season because he’d been playing so well - namely, the misplaced arrogance, the self-delusion, the front-running, the perpetually unwarranted subtext of his career that reads something like “I am such an amazing player that simply by virtue of my presumed greatness I deserve to compete for NBA titles, even though I can’t lead my own team to a .500 record.”

Well fuck him, and fuck this whole idea that Paul Pierce is such a rarified talent and peerless specimen of humanity that we should acquiesce to any of the restrictions he is certain to attempt to place on a trade. He should be shipped out for the best possible deal, preferably one that unloads noxious ding-a-ling Mark Blount and brings back lottery picks. The team needs to be scrapped and rebuilt, not tweaked and re-tooled.

Of course, in fairness to Pierce, we (Jerky and I) have advocated trading him regardless of his mood or behavior, so last night’s comments only serve to highlight the urgency of making the move. What we initially all perceived as a good fortune when Pierce started playing the best ball of his career (and thus, upping his trade value) this season, has quickly devolved into the frustration of knowing that he nixed a trade in the offseason that would have netted us Chris Paul. It is highly unlikely we can move him now for a player of Chris Paul’s impact, but that does not speak to the value we can get for Pierce, inasmuch as it speaks to the value the Hornets could get for Chris Paul. This is a crucial bit of truth that is missed by those who vastly overestimate Pierce’s value in the league.

If Pierce plays fuckhead and nixes trades to anyone but a contender, we are truly screwed. THAT will beget the unsatisfying Nene/Andre Miller trade or something of its ilk. However, if we can trade him to Chicago (where apparently he has already grumbled about not wanting to go) and get back either Deng or Heinrich and the Knicks pick, that would be the kind of bold move to rebuild the franchise that so many of us thought of as the promise of the Ainge-era. Adding Heinrich and a possible top-3 lottery pick to this team while eliminating Pierce’s natural status as an obstacle to player development (and thus, bringing Gerald Green back into the fold to see if he can actually play) would be the kind of forward motion that I believe the fan-base (meaning, the paying ones, not the message-boarders) could embrace. It would mean having a lineup with decent-to-promising young players at every position, another dip into the lottery in 07, and an improved salary structure by time we need to resign all these young guys.

You do not get better without taking chances, and anyone who respects the history of our franchise understands that Red Auerbach built a legacy of championship success by making bold moves, not by spinning his wheels and sinking further and further into perpetual mediocrity. I, for one, would rather sit through losses as part of a long-term effort to win a championship, not as part of some annual effort to embrace the latest crop of crap foisted upon us as “the future is (kind-of) now.” The answer is so goddamn fucking obvious, even though the outcome is unclear.

Trade Pierce.

(Thanks to WOTR for covering much of this ground already on the Yahoo boards)

we were sliding into home, our pants began to foam...

2006-01-06T22:47:00.000-05:00

A ghastly, unforgivable loss. Playing at home against a reeling Hawks team that had lost four in a row, the Celtics dicked around with a small lead for most of the game before completely falling to pieces in the final minutes. If this isn't a clarion call to blow the whole goddamn enterprise up and start over, I'm not sure what could make it more clear. Perhaps the not-entirely-unlikely scenario of literally losing every game for the rest of the season is what's needed to initiate personnel change.

In fairness to the players, however, we could easily hang much of the blame around Doc's all-too-worthy neck. Suffering from a bad case of the liquid poops, Doc "Shits" Rivers indulged his "going small" obsession, which went from a semi-successful cutesy ploy in the 2nd quarter to completely tanking the cause in the 3rd and 4th. Turns out, I don't know if you knew this, but when you put 4 guards on the floor, it becomes much tougher to rebound effectively. Who'd a thunk it?

On the player side of things, the big story was the return of Inmate #42, Tony Allen. TA was his usual spastic self, proving at turns to be both hugely effective and wildly out of control. Shits (Doc) loves Tony, however, so unlike every other young player who is not allowed to play through their mistakes, Tony played the entire 2nd quarter and 30 minutes overall. Strangely enough, the player most affected by this minutes switcheroo? Mark Blount. Hmmm. Of course, Shits also DNP'd Perk until the last 40 seconds, which might have been the stupidest and worst thing he's done all season. Why the fuck must Perk be jerked around? He's effective, works hard, and by rebounding, fills an actual gaping need of this team. He should get ten minutes a game just on principle. Tonight, he could very well have won us the game if he'd been in there rebounding as the momentum slipped away.

Additional note - Gerald Green got sent down to the minors, but apparently Daddy Ainge will be accompanying him for a few games for some completely unfathomable reason. Shouldn't Danny be on the horn looking to unload the $30 million or so in contractual dead weight we're carrying every year? Isn't this a mission better suited for like, Wyc's wife or some otherwise unemployed Celtics legend we have hanging around? What about Willie Maye? Or Doc? A huge prize to the first Celtics fan who brings a "Send Shits Rivers to the NBDL" sign to the game.

Player of the Game - Orien Greene. It is not in my nature to award Celtics in losing causes, but Orien finally played a regular season game that reflected the promise he showed in the pre-season. Perhaps owing to a putative pledge to quit jerking off on nights before games, perhaps not, but he was alert, active and hugely effective, basically the opposite of all his other appearances this year. THIS was the player Ainge prayed he had lucked into when he told Marcus to go fuck himself next season.

Hamcock - Mark Blount. This big dope turned the ball over 3 times in the first five minutes, got whacked in the face by Puchuclia's head, and ended up sitting out most of the last half after getting replaced by a shooting guard who hadn't played all season. His final numbers were a classic Hamcock - 4 points, 0 rebounds, 5 turnovers.

Quote of the Night - "Joe Johnson is prepared to go down on the box," Tom Heinsohn. I thought when you pulled in 13 million a year this was no longer required, but I guess Joe has a demanding lady-friend. Ha ha ha. What else can we find in this? Joe Johnson - slang for what happens when you stick your cock in a cup of coffee? An Australian insult based on the notion of having sex with a kangaroo? Senator Lieberman's nickname for his dick? I dunno. You tell me.

Haven't You Moved On?

2006-01-06T10:48:00.000-05:00

Our good friend Jeff has posed the question; who in the world would I put on this team, absent Pierce, to not make them suck? I’ll bite. Couple of disclaimers - This is not to say Pierce is overrated, judging by NBA fan voting, he may be a bit underrated at this point. This is also not to say that all of these players are better than Pierce, although most clearly are. This has nothing to do with possible trades.

Simply, the following list of players, if on the Celtics right now, would make this team better than it is with Pierce.

As the point guard experiments continue with the Celtics, with horrible results, I’m really buying into Way of the Ray’s argument. The only way to build a championship team is with a dominant point guard and big man.

Point Guards
If the Celtics had an excellent point guard, Ricky would be the focus on offense (a role he’s far more suited for), and West could move to his more natural position (starting shooting guard or 3rd guard off the bench). Reed/Gomes could play the three and concentrate on defense and boards. A real point guard would get the ball to Jefferson early and often (a problem right now), as well as reward an athletic team that should be running with easy transition baskets. The following point guards would win more with the current Celtic roster minus PP.

1. Nash
2. Kidd
3. Wade
4. Paul
5. Parker
6. Bibby
7. Hinrich

Big Men
When you have a dominant big man, everything else seems to fall into place. The Celtics have not had a competent, never mind dominant, big man since the Chief. While we all have high hopes for Jefferson, he’s at least three years away from playing like any of these current stars. The Celtics lack rebounding, defense, toughness and playmaking in the frontcourt. Imagine any of the following players alongside Big Al. By becoming a frontcourt oriented team requiring double teams, Ricky and West could feast on open jumpers. The following big men would win more with the current Celtic roster minus PP.

8. Shaq
9. Duncan
10. Garnett
11. Amare
12. Wallace
13. Brand
14. O’Neal
15. Bosh
16. Miller

Better Team Players
I’ve stayed away from players like Kobe, McGrady and Francis. While more talented than Pierce, they share his inability make their teammates better. The following, though, would play a similar role as PP on a hypothetical Celtic team, but they all bring something else to the table.

17. Lebron
18. Iverson
19. Dirk
20. Artest

There you go, Jeff, 20 players who are a better fit for the Celtics than Paul Pierce. Given the current state of the team, my list of players I would trade Pierce for could get me to 50.

Now go back to cleaning Wyc’s taint.

Boob Cats

2006-01-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

A win is a win, but it is worth mentioning that tonight we barely survived a squeaker at home against a two year old Bobcats team that was missing its franchise player (Okafor) and two of its better big men (Sean May and Melivn Ely). The Celtics played effectively no defense, turned the ball over 24 times and blew several double digit leads, but managed to hang on due to a huge night from Pierce (no longer overrated) and some timely free throws from Orien Greene.

Yup, it was one for the time capsule. For those who will chose to view this game as a step forward for this wretched team, I just say, "no one has ever gone 0-82."

On the player side of things, it appears that Justin Reed has retaken his lead against Ryan Gomes in the fight for celebrated title of "overrated second rounder getting a few token minutes per game." Brian Scalabrine is now officially back in the rotation and providing naught beyond frequent opportunities for drunken TD Banknorth Garden-ers to vent their spleen (see below). At least tonight he did not appear to sob like a girl. In our daily edition of "as the point guards turn," Banks played a horrific game, while Orien Greene looked a bit less terrible than usual. Doc actually played Ricky fewer than 8 million minutes, and he in turn responded with a good game. In the "Doc is an idiot" column however, he played Perkins 2 minutes and Scalbarine 7. And lastly, the newly celebrated Delonte West and the always-despised Mork Blount each turned the ball over 5 times.

The rest of the night can be summed up in the following refrain, sung to the tune of the Addam's family theme song - "Al Jefferson started, Banks stunk like he farted, Doc Rivers is retarded - the Celtics play no D."

Player of the Game - Paul Pierce. On the eve of my blog partner re-christening himself to remove the ugly stain of hater-dom, Pierce responded with his best game since the road trip, putting up great numbers (31/8/10) in, get this, a Win. If we can't get Luol Deng and that Knicks pick via Chicago for him now, Ainge should be fired. Uhh, I mean, not that he shouldn't be anyway.

Hamcock - Brian Scalabrine. In his own way, Veal is a remarkable player. By my count he has yet to do anything positive on the court in a home game beyond setting one timely pick (which happened, if I am remembering correctly, the last time we played the Bobcats). The boos rain down with regularity as he overshoots 3's, turns the ball over, and commits stupid offensive fouls. Meanwhile Ryan Gomes sits and watches and wonders, "how the fuck can I get this guy's agent?"

Quote of the Night - "I got pictures of Mark Blount!" A.K.H. An old pal of myself and Jerky was at the game and reported this information to me via her cell phone. Of course she pronounced it "Blownt," but then again she was always a bit of a thing that rhymes with Blunt. Nonetheless, she provided the valuable intel that the D-Herpes nickname was fully in effect amongst the fans, along with some crisp booing for tonight (and every night's) Hamcock award recipient, Brian Scalaburine. Looks like we may have our answer to Gabe Kahn...

RIP PierceOverrated

2006-01-04T14:02:00.000-05:00

Overrated, Pierce (PO) was peacefully laid to rest on Tuesday after a year and a half of relentless and sometimes warrant less criticism of Boston Celtic caption Paul Pierce. Born on an inferior website, he belittled well-meaning Celtic fans who had the temerity to defend the team’s public face and best player. In the beginning, he used statistics to demonstrate that Pierce’s career arc climaxed in 2002, and steadily decreased for a full 2½ seasons. Pierce’s shooting percentage had plummeted, particularly from three, and his turnovers were way up. As his skills deteriorated, so did his demeanor. The reluctant leader had become a sulky fuck, who drained the joy out of watching the Celtics play.

Paul Pierce sucked, and PO wanted everyone to know about it, especially those Kool-Aid drinkers over at Celticsblog. Pierce Overrated was susceptible to hyperbole and sarcasm to prove his points, but Pierce himself would ultimately nourish his rants with conduct detrimental to winning. Following a benching at the end of a game for yelling at the coach (who we thought had balls at the time, we have since been proved wrong), PO dominated several threads on the blog, insulting anyone who disagreed and leading to his eventual ban by the biggest pussy in the Blogworld. Jeff, a contemptible person, would remain a villain throughout the remainder of his short life.

Plucked out of obscurity by a mad Dr. who ran a far superior website, PO began writing for CelticsDoom, a site described by one of its fine contributors as the Oakland Raiders of the Celtic internet community, a place for the unwashed and unwanted. His move unfortunately coincided with the sudden improvement of Pierce’s game, leading PO to write things like “PP Playing Better, But Still Sucks.” Fortunately for PO, Pierce continued to act like a douche on and off the court. PO’s predictions had come true in meltdowns against the Knicks late in the season, and famously the game 6 incident against Indiana. While most Celtic fans felt horrible watching their hero lose his shit in the most inopportune time, PO felt vindicated.

After screwing the Celtics out of the trade of the decade for a future franchise point guard, Paul Pierce came out in 2005/06 playing terrific basketball, the best of his career. He played within the system, mostly stopped attempting to dribble through entire defenses, and shot the ball at almost 50%, shattering one of PO’s strongest arguments. Conspiracy theorists suggest that DA promised PP a trade to a contender if he played Mr. Happy Face for the first few months. Regardless, PO had been proven wrong.

While PierceOverrated has been correct in stating that a rejuvenated Pierce would do nothing to improve Celtic chances to win a championship, he has been wrong in burying Pierce’s game. PO knew it was coming to an end when he could watch a Celtic game without getting pissed every time Pierce touched the ball.

PierceOverrated leaves his alter-ego, jerkycsfan, who will take his place on the CelticsDoom roster.

Ups and Downs - Gladiator style

2005-12-30T13:24:00.000-05:00

Today we take off the kid gloves and engage in the gladiatorial exercise of pitting various Celtics players against each other in a battle for our affections via the up and down meter. This might be unfair and unnecessary, but times are grim and we need some guidance at year’s end to tell us who we should spare and who should receive no mercy. Happy New Year? Not if you haven’t earned it, fucker.

Paul Pierce – UP
Ricky Davis – DOWN

This one was tough, but the up and down meter stands by it. Ricky is in danger of devolving into a creature of statistics, while Pierce, who has always been a great compiler, has actually begun to understand the team concept and the fact that it might not entail him constantly touching the ball. Perhaps that’s an overstatement, but there’s no doubt that he’s been a good soldier and has elevated his game to a level that makes us all a little less embarrassed to defend him when discussing the sport with fans of teams that don’t suck. In other words, he’s getting his 26 and not looking like a selfish, miserable fuck in the process. Ricky is having a career year, but it’s starting to get lost in the background noise of this depressing season. Too many questions abound about his game – isn’t he more effective off the bench? Doesn’t he turn the ball over a lot trying to showboat? Why is this pure scorer being relied upon as a playmaker? In both cases, however, we must ask ourselves – what does it mean when two legitimate NBA stars have simultaneous career years on a team destined to finish in the middle of the lottery?

Kendrick Perkins – UP
Al Jefferson – DOWN

Al Jefferson, the last hope of the Kool-aid crew, has been exposed this year as an inconsistent and kind of dumb big man with serious intensity and focus issues, who is not yet strong enough to hold his own against big-time NBA rebounding monsters. He looks more and more like a guy who will make a nice starting NBA player some day, rather than the franchise savior. Perk, on the other hand, has gone from almost nil expectation to being one of the two nominees for Celtics “story of the year.” Even this reporter, who once famously stated that Perk would never be a starting NBA center, has been happy to watch him blossom into almost that (note - he still wouldn’t start on a winning team). His numbers do not always tell the story, but we have seen that good things tend to happen with Perk on the floor, and only a total moron like Doc Rivers would crimp his minutes in favor of Mark Blount.

Marcus Banks – UP
Delonte West – DOWN

Delonte is what he is – a nice hustle player who is not big enough to play his natural position, and not quick or creative enough to become a great playmaker. He’s one of the most likeable players on the team, simply because he plays hard and has a strange sense of humor, but he’s highly expendable and his impact on the game as a starter probably isn’t much different then if he languished on the bench. To wit – he has had a great statistical December, but the team still wilted around him. Marcus on the other hand, had the mind-bending prescience to break his shin during a time when it was becoming abundantly clear that his would-be-successors (DWest, Greene, Dickau) were all wildly over-rated, if not flat out disasters. He remains the same clueless yet monstrously speedy player of yore, but Marcus and his court-un-awareness are now good for a guaranteed 15 minutes a night, playing under a coach who hates him.

A Doorknob – UP
Doc Rivers – DOWN

Even the most Kool-aid drinkin’ Celticsblog message-boardin’ apologists have caught on to this. Enough said.

Mark Blount – UP
Raef LaFrentz – DOWN

This would be a shocking result if you’d asked this question at the beginning of the season, but sure enough old Mork has transformed himself from “utterly useless fuckhead with bad hands” into a bizarre 7 foot tall mid-range jump-shooting specialist. For a guy who earned the constant verbal felatio of Jim O’Brien due to his supposedly priceless contributions to team defense, his rebirth as a pure creature of offense is a stunning development, particularly when you consider that he’s subsequently degenerated into probably the worst man-to-man defender on the team. Raef, on the other hand, has slumped terribly since his career night against Houston and is looking more an more like a big white logjam taking valuable minutes away from Perk and Jefferson. Just call him Raef LaHamcock.

Justin Reed – UP
Ryan Gomes – DOWN

We’re all big fans of Ryan Gomes here at CelticsDoom, but it’s becoming quite clear that he is at best an average NBA player who is too small to play his natural position. In short – a typical 2nd round pick. Or better yet, Donny Marshall. Justin Reed on the other hand, perhaps one of the dumbest players ever attempt to play offense on a basketball court, is now buried on the bench and earning the hollow sympathy of desperate fans who want to believe he’s a pocket Ron Artest. Why is he an UP then? Because both of these guys depress me, but it’s a lot of fun to say Justin “Can’t” Reed.

Hemorrhoids – UP
Brian Scalabrine – DOWN

I have come to believe that I prefer experiencing the former to watching the latter. Thankfully Tommy never got a chance to latch onto this idiot, so we don’t have the kind of embarrassing fan-phenomenon that kept Waltah viable for waaaaaaaaaaay too long, but my God, this might be the worst free-agent signing/PR disaster since Bobby Bonilla went to the Mets. Hemorrhoids, on the other hand, at least provide fertile comedic grounds for many highly regarded CelticsDoom commentators.

Missing out on Chris Paul - UP
Missing out on Tim Duncan – DOWN

Tired of friends, relatives and co-workers rolling their eyes every time you bitch about 1997? No problem. Forget the nagging pain of being fucked over eight years ago in the draft lottery, now you can become enraged over the fact that Paul Pierce completely fucked over our future just six months ago! Yes, Partyboy Paul nixed a trade that would have sent the then-disgruntled forward to Portland for Nick Van Exel’s expiring deal and a pick that would become probable future all-NBA point guard Chris Paul. Let’s face facts – Pitino would have traded Duncan for Nazr Mohammad within three months anyway. But Chris Paul leading a team of Al Jefferson, RickyD, Perk, Gomes, and, uhh, all our other good players? That’s… I mean… that’s like .500 ball!

Brokeback Mountain jokes – UP
Talking about the Celtics – DOWN

Any arguments here?

Pierce Overrated – UP
Dr. Chestnutt – DOWN

Sure, I do most of the writing, but I’m always kind of wishy-washy when it comes to holding long-term grudges with people I have never met. PO though? He’s hardcore. An unapologetic Pierce-hater and CelticsBlog scourge, he watches Celtics games with an eye as cruel as an elephant hunter, perpetually fantasizing about filling the squad with UConn alumni and dreaming of trading Paul Pierce to Toronto, just to spite him and Hagrid. This is the kind of fan that Wyc and Danny deserve – harsh, demanding and unrelenting. Glad yr on my side dude.

To all you sick fucks (all of whom earn a big time UP) who make this blog a fun thing to do, have a nice New Year, and we’ll see you in 2006.

Hopeless in Seattle

2005-12-27T15:08:00.000-05:00

HARTFORD, CT - Reeling from a post-Holiday celebration which allegedly included prodigious amounts of caffinated drink and repeated viewings of E! Television’s “The Soup,” Boston Celtics media gadfly Dr. Chestnutt (sic) was located today passed out in his living room beneath a pile of discarded all-natural potato chip bags, unused wrapping paper and many dozens of Criterion DVD sleeves.

“I didn’t fuckin' watch the whole game, man,” Chestnutt muttered to the authorities while escorted out of his apartment to the street below. “I… I fuckin' have to work in the morning.”

Authorities were initially unclear as to the meaning of his incoherent rant (“it’s not a FUCKING RANT!” he shouted for some still unknown reason), but upon further review have come to understand that Chestnutt was referring to his failure to provide a “recap” of the previous evening’s Celtics game for his CelticsDoom blog. These same authorities believe the game was classic fodder for the much maligned blog, wherein the struggling franchise dropped a winnable game to a weak Seattle Supersonics team, undoubtedly precipitating a string of similar disappointing losses during their west-coast road swing.

Although he claimed to have missed the final quarter due to falling asleep on his couch, Chestnutt was questioned by these authorities as to why he believed the Celtics lost the game.

“Fuckin'… I don’t know man, they couldn’t rebound, at least while I was watching… Ricky turned the ball over a lot, I think he must of played 10,000 minutes last night… I missed the 4th quarter, so who fucking knows… once they got down nine I knew it was over and I just fucking fell asleep. Too tired, very long weekend. Late games, fuck it. You don’t understand, I have to live in fear of my phone ringing…” (???)

Chestnutt was then loaded into a waiting car and had his new iPod temporarily confiscated while authorities continued to question him about the game during the drive to his place of employment. Below are some of the key quotes from this interview:

“Fuck man, if we’re going to make Reggie Evans look like an all-star, why the fuck should I stay up watching the game, let alone write about it?”

“Paul Pierce is officially Ray Allen-east. Kind of. That’s not a compliment.”

“Brian Scalabrine is so bad that Yahoo spares him the embarrassment of putting him in their box score.”

“I used to think that if you combined Marcus Bank’s strengths with Delonte West’s strengths, you’d maybe have a decent NBA starting point guard. Now I know you wouldn’t even have Flip Murray.”

As the Doctor stumbled towards the entrance of the hospital with the intention of operating on some poor fuck who probably doesn’t even watch basketball, he was surrounded by a cadre of local reporters (and regional affiliates) who were desperate for substantial Celtics media commentary.

“Doctor! Doctor! Mr. Chesnutter (sic)!” one brave reporter shouted, “Any thoughts on the Get Buckets Brigade/Celticsblog.com merger?”

“It means there’s one less blog people will read more than ours," said Chestnutt with a not-alltogether-unhappy smirk.

“What happened to PO? Or Jerky, or whatever the fuck his name is?” asked another, thrusting a microphone in his face.

“He’s stuck with his wife and kid for some holiday bullshit,” Chestnutt answered with a thoughtfully grim expression. “The last thing he needs is to watch the late-night death rattle of this Boston Celtics team. That would kill what little hope he has left.”

“But the Hamcock? What about the Hamcock? Don’t you owe it to Celtics fans everywhere to assess individual blame after embarrassing losses?”

Chestnutt stood thoughtfully and rubbed his eyes with his palms.

“Give the Hamcock to Al Jefferson,” he finally stated, “Fuckin' guy looked like Danny Fortson’s bitch out there."

He departed into the hospital and promised to never do one of these again.

"I may not guarentee that I'll stay up till 1 in the morning watching us lose to Golden State, but fuck it, I'll at least spare you this kind of stupid creative writing exercise," he added.

Boo who?

2005-12-23T14:48:00.000-05:00

What follows is a quasi-literary attempt to explain the problem of feeling sorry for Brian Scalabrine. It is rather long, but we have a few days off and barring a trade, I don’t really know what else to write about.

By the way, Happy Fucking Holidays.

Intro – Vulgarity connotes true feeling

Poor Brian Scalabrine. He signs a $15 million, 5 year contract, contributes squat on the court, and now he’s crying to the press about the fans booing him. Fuck this guy. Fuck him fuck him fuck him.

Part I – Me, me, me

I could use some time off, seriously, like a good year where I don’t have to work and can just focus on writing. I find that real life exhausts me, and the need to earn a living through doctor-ing is enemy number one to my creative instrument.

I wish I could join a consortium of writers who would provide me with a good wage and would allow me to do nothing during the year but write. Maybe do a little volunteer work, but for the most part, just writing. Ideally, they would guarantee me 5 full years wherein I could write and earn enough money to not only live comfortably on, but I could take and invest wisely and never have to work again for the rest of my life.

Q: Would I have the right to be upset if the group of generous readers who funded the writing consortium chose to voice their displeasure when my work turned out to be sub par?

A: Duh… no.

Part II – The Metaphor become the Point

I believe that I’m at least as good a writer as Brian Scalabrine is a professional basketball player. Certainly I’m not in the rarified company of the Jordan-esque David Foster Wallace, or the up and coming Jason Richardson-type of Matt Taibbi or even the Sports Guy with his Nick Van Exel career arc. Admittedly, I am at best a Ricky Davis – a polarizing figure that many people will always think sucks and wouldn’t want on their team, but who some believe can fill a niche in the right situation.

But no matter how good or bad I am, it is a simple fact that if I were paid to write I would be expected to produce something for an audience. An audience that, almost by definition, will judge what I put in front of them. And I know from painful experience that when you put something out there for public consumption, be it writing, artwork, political opinions, or yes, a performance on the basketball court, the response can be callous and cruel. It goes with the territory.

My point is this – Brian Scalabrine is making a fuckload of money that you and me (not to mention the good people at Accountemps) have paid for with ticket purchases and the expenditure of valuable free time. Thus, a certain degree of expectation is reasonably indentured between him and the fan base. He believes that he does enough of the “little things” to fulfill his obligation to the fans, and thus, earn their admiration. The implication is that anyone who does not appreciate what Brian Scalabrine brings to the floor is a sorehead, a basketball novice or a drunken TD Banknorth "Garden" jerk.

Sadly for Brian, it would be laudable to hide behind the “I do all the little things” argument if we had a winning team or if the Celtics were any better when he was on the floor, but neither of these are the case. Worse, to the average basketball fan, Brian fails on the court in every conceivable sense – shooting, passing, rebounding, defense, and the basic aesthetic pleasure of watching an athlete in motion. The last may seem petty or dumb, but for those who devote hours of their time watching a mediocre basketball team, they at least want some athleticism and grace on the court. Watching Brian’s awkward, hyper-enthusiastic and ultimately ineffective style of play is often a headache within the greater migraine.

The truth is, if Scalabrine actually provided all of these “intangibles” and the Celtics were a 2nd round playoff team, most of us would probably be more accepting. A large percentage of Celtics fans (not me, admittedly) did just that for years with Walter McCarty. But Scalabrine has the misfortune of being the worst player on a bad team, a player whose “contributions” are vague and mostly related to us via snake-oil salesmanship from Ainge and Doc Rivers. Rightly or wrongly, it is tough to grow fond of this kind of player when you see guys like Gomes, Jefferson and Perk losing minutes to him.

Part III – On the Nature of Displeasure

If I were at a Celtics game I would probably not boo Brian Scalabrine, simply because I find it difficult to hurl invective from anything other than afar. And by “afar” I mean, not in the same zip code. If I knew Brian Scalabrine read this blog I’d probably feel a little bad about the things I’ve said about him. It is not in my nature, necessarily, to hurt people’s feelings, even when I feel they deserve it.

While it is true that a fan voicing their displeasure through booing is somewhat analogous to voting in a dictatorship, it is really the only thing you can do to make the leaders know how unhappy you are. When Antoine Walker was mercilessly booed by Celtics fans during a bad stretch in 1999, it was as much a comment on Rick Pitino’s grotesque vision of what professional basketball looks like as it was with their misgivings over Antoine’s play.

When the fans boo Brian Scalabrine, I really believe it is because they are fed up with the double-talk they get out of the Wyc/Ainge/Doc triumvirate that wants us to trust them that we are competing for, uhh, something, while also “developing the youth.” The presence of Brian Scalabrine on the basketball court indicates that neither is the case. Instead, we come to believe that we have been subjected to yet another penny-wise, pound foolish management decision that has been the hallmark of the Ainge era.

We call this era, the era of the mixed message.

Part IV – Dear Mixed Message, “fuck you,” love, CelticsDoom

Message 1 – “We are rebuilding while remaining competitive” - translation: instead of totally sucking, we always just kinda-suck. We dick around for 82 games a year, get our asses handed to us in the playoffs, and annually re-populate our roster with late 1st round picks and 2nd round “steals.”

Message 2 – “We are committed to developing our young players alongside the veterans” – translation: don’t worry, you’ll see Ricky dunk and Pierce get his 26, and maybe every now and then some young guy who’s only known outside the Boston area by a few roto-obsessives will drop 20 in a loss. Fine, but in the course of “developing” these players, we sign a guy with limited skills to a five-year deal who only adds to an existing logjam at the very positions where we have young players we want to develop (3 and the 4). Every minute Scalabrine spends on the floor is a minute that we cannot give to Jefferson, Perk, Gomes, Gerald Green, Tony Allen (if he ever gets healthy) or Justin Reed. We already have major minutes being soaked up by established players who have proven they cannot consistently win together (PP, RD, RL, MB), but in Doc’s highly political/personal locker room, only certain young players get time. (Watch how much Scalabrine plays now that he’s been booed. I bet Doc will put him out there 15 minutes a game on the road, just to prove some unknowable point)

Message 3 – “We will settle for nothing less than Banner 17” – translation: Ownership will lie to itself as callously as it does to its fanbase. It will assemble a group of corporate investors who know nothing about basketball and hire the one Celtic “legend” they can find who speaks their language to run the basketball operations. They will establish a calculus of success based on the following – 1) the presence of marketable players, 2) a win/loss record tolerable to the fanbase (ie – playoff appearances, after all, we have the Celtics mystique to maintain), and 3) a league average salary structure that will not contrast too poorly with their mediocre record. These three factors will be used together to form the illusion of constant “progress.” This plan contains within it the excuses for failure (“youth and inexperience”), a low enough yearly standard that it can be obtained or at worst just barely missed, and plenty of “promise down the road” that broadcasters can use to convince their audience that what they’ve just seen is not as hopeless as it appears. And when people don’t fill the seats, ownership can always appeal to the lowest common denominator with the promise of tits and ass from a future cheerleading squad and drown out the spectacle on the court with a sensory oblivion of product promotion throughout the game.

Part V – Conclusion – aka “Dr. Chestnutt vs. Dr. Niedangle”

Most NBA franchises have no hope of winning an NBA title within the next 20 years, and many of them do not particularly care. These are the teams that simply try to keep enough fans in the stands to be profitable while putting a team on the court that meets the lowest positive expectation these fans hold. To name a few - the Raptors, the Magic, the Wizards, the Warriors, the Sonics, the Nets (for now), and yes, the Celtics. They all have varying degrees of success, but they all have one thing in common – they are built to entertain, and not to win championships.

Since 1996, the Celtics have not had the stomach to engage in a true rebuilding process, one which would require a commitment to purge their roster and build through lottery picks. Granted, this process holds no guarantee of getting a title, but it’s the surest road, and it is a process that fans can endure if they see it pay realistic dividends. On the other hand, the surest way to erode your fanbase is to subject them to years of .500 ball with semi-stars and crappy “hustle players” and diminish your own credibility as an organization by claiming that this is all leading somewhere.

It is foolish to blame the Celtics' mediocrity on Brian Scalabrine, and that is not the point of this story or of the fans who boo him. The point is that he is a poster-boy for the frustrations Celtics fans have living in the limbo of NBA mediocrity with only the slightest promise for the future. It is the frustration of a fan base that feels it is not only taken for granted and lied to, but that this is being done by owners who have a vested self-interest in making us think that better times are ahead, without actually doing anything to make the times ahead of us any better. It is the frustration of being told that we have a bench full of “steals” and “potential all-stars” but then turning on the television and seeing the New Jersey Nets former 12th man playing in front of them. It is the frustration many of us feel when we read about “the Brain Doctor” and “the power 3” and “great practices” and “the vision” and know that it’s all a bunch of shit being generated at the point of failure, designed to make us believe that we have a mighty fine ship here and only an impatient cynic would dare claim that it’s sinking. Well guess what?

Booooooooooo.

U-taint going to lose to Utah

2005-12-21T22:49:00.000-05:00

The Celtics continued their romp through a murderer's row of road-tripping mediocre Western Conference teams, and finally put together their first back to back wins of the season taking down the underwhelming Jazz. Of course, tonight's Jazz team happened to be missing Andrei Kirilenko, but we were short one Mr. Dan Dickau, so it pretty much evened out.

I missed lots of the game tonight due to a brutal phone call schedule and a fool's mission to a local mall, but from what I saw, the Celtics were very good when Perk and/or Jefferson were on the floor, and shaky when they couldn't count on their rebounding. When the Jazz turned up their intensity in the 4th quarter, Blount was a hapless dupe on the boards and things started to get dicey, score-wise. Thankfully Pierce hit all his shots in the last few minutes and everyone went home feeling like this team won't necessarily be subject to a fire sale the minute Ainge convinces himself that Rudy Gay is a franchise player.

Player wise, Delonte had a solid effort, albeit one destined to be hyped to death by his cadre of true believers in Celtics Nation. Pierce had monstrous numbers, but his shooting looked iffy until the 4th quarter.

On a lighter note, Scalaburine came into the game in the 3rd and was booed mercilessly when he bricked a couple three pointers, proving that the difference between one city's "clumsy honky crowd favorite" and another's "vilified spite magnet" is around $16 million. Pity is for the weak and Brian is a very, very rich man, so I refuse to give two fucks that he looked as if he were about to cry.

Player of the Game - Marcus Banks. Pierce's numbers were great but I'm giving it to Marcus simply because he's out there trying as hard as he can to stick it up Doc's ass, and that is the kind of frustration that unites us all. 4 points 2 assists - sure, not very impressive. But the guy probably goes home every night praying for the opportunity to kick his coach in the nuts whilst wearing very heavy boots, and that is the kind of attitude that needs to be rewarded. Yes Marcus, it's official, we hate Doc more than we hate you.

Hamcock - None. I cannot in good conscience award the Hamcock simply by looking at the box score (Raef) on a night when I missed over 50% of the game (Raef). I am not one of those fuckheads who makes blind decisions without having my facts straight (Raef). Raef, by the way, is "fear" spelled backwards. What the fuck is up with that?

Quote of the Night - "I always thought he'd make a great Celtic," Mike Gorman on the topic of Matt Harpring. It's getting to the point that every white player in the league not named Jason Williams is lavished with this "praise" by lazy broadcasters, bloggers and assorted opinion mongers. Please, enough. This is a franchise that lived through Marc Acres, Brad Lohaus and Connor Henry, and currently endures Raef LaFrentz and Brian Scalabrine. The painful truth is that there are a great many white players who hustle and still make godawful Celtics.

Golden (State) Showers

2005-12-19T23:02:00.000-05:00

It was that rarity of all rarities - an enjoyable, well paced basketball contest that ended with the Celtics scoring more points than their opponent. Granted, it see-sawed back and forth because the Celtics lapsed into some bad habits on offense in the 3rd quarter, but they managed to keep their shit together and stopped the Warriors (and an extremely pissed off Baron Davis) from ruining yet another evening out for several dozen greater-Boston residents.

Some quick notes about the Golden State Warriors, who I cannot believe are doing well this season:
1) Baron Davis, as mentioned, was so goddamn annoyed with the world tonight (culminating in a totally needless takedown of Raef LaFrentz), it made me wonder how we would have treated him if Danny had traded for him. Although his pre-game interview (see below), suggested the communication skills of Bernie Bickerstaff after many bottles of cough syrup, I think he'd have turned into a CelticsDoom favorite simply because the fanboys wouldn't have known what to make of him.
2) Troy Murphy looks worse and worse to me every year. Not in that he resembles an even uglier Nicholas Cage, but the two games a year I see him play he seems soft and really not worth the huge money he's getting for the next 6 years. He had a monster night tonight (27/12), yet I wouldn't want him on my team. Maybe it's just me.
3) Golden State possibly have a worse salary structure than the Celtics, which is truly remarkable. $26 million in 2008/2009 to Foyle, Fisher and Murphy. Ouch.

Anyway, the second quarter of this game had the most interesting developments, with a lineup of Ricky, Jefferson, Orien, Gomes and LaFrentz taking the game over and racking up a double digit lead. They fed the ball to Jefferson on nearly ever possession, and he responded with 10/5 in that quarter alone. The optimistic among us could point to this quarter as containing the blueprint for a successful season - run, throw it to Al, rebound. The pessimists among us could say that these good things happened against the 2nd unit of a tired Golden State Warriors squad, and anyway for some reason we pretty much could do no wrong tonight so don't expect it to every happen again.

The other encouraging news of the evening was that Doc kept the rotation short and sane. No Scalaburine or Reed, but lots of Gomes (5/8), Jefferson, Orien and Marcus. He still inexplicably benched Perk the entire 4th quarter, but Raef played effectively and (God help me) Blount did as well, so heavy things at CelticsDoom HQ were not tossed in the vicinity of the television. Also, Golden State were rebounding like they had 5 Walter McCarty's on the floor, so we could live with our pair of 7 foot pussies.

Speaking of living with a pair of 7 foot pussies, I am of the mind to tell a joke about having sex with a WNBA team, but outside of the punchline "and she thought she had a small cock!" I can't make up the rest.

Player of the Game - Al Jefferson. We'd all be happier if a 13/8 night were routine at this point, but at very least we saw that in the right frame of mind (and against cheap honkiefied defense), he truly can dominate the game for short stretches of time. If he does this against Detroit, I'll be really impressed, but for now, I think we'll all take it.

Hamcock - Marcus Banks. He doesn't deserve it in the sense that he played poorly, but he gets it because he was probably the most dispensable player on the floor. He also had some classic gaffes - fouled Baron Davis shooting a three, charged recklessly to the basket to no avail on a couple occasions, missed open jump shots that he needs to hit when the big guys get doubled teamed, only had 3 assists, etc. He was no better or worse than Delonte is on any given night, however, and it's going to be very interesting to see who wins that battle for minutes.

Quote of the Night - "He used to... he used to always steal my food," Baron Davis. A chunk of nonsense gleaned from a surreal pre-game interview with Greg Dickerson, wherein Baron Davis raised serious doubts about the robust-ness of his brain's alpha waves. Never raising his voice above a sullen mumble (and letting his head loll around in an affect resembling an extra from the last fifteen minutes of "Awakenings"), Baron made the otherwise believable claim that boyhood pal Paul Pierce was a "big goofy kid" who was "lazy" and preoccupied with eating. For those of us who subject ourselves to the interminable half-hour exercise in awkward time killing that is the FSN Celtics Pre-game Show, it was a rare glimpse of something unscripted and interesting.

The Milwaukee Bucks and the Boston Fu-ks

2005-12-16T22:56:00.000-05:00

A fucked up loss, and another in the continuing series of briefs filed in the case of CelticsDoom vs. Doc Rivers. In what could only be called a truly weird game, the Celtics opened up like the 87 Lakers, turned ice cold in the 2nd quarter, and played wild, schizophrenic basketball for the entire 2nd half, letting the game slip through their fingers (literally, with costly turnovers) after making a great comeback.

Need further examples of why this was a weird game? 1) The Celtics had a 27 point swing in the first half where they went from being up 10 to down 17. Then in the 3rd, down 13 and looked defeated, they suddenly ran off 8 points in the last two minutes. 2) Raef LaFrentz, who at this point couldn't hit his wife if she was tied to a chair, nailed an off-balance, buzzer beating 3 pointer at the end of the 3rd quarter that got the Celtics within 5 points. 3) Marcus Banks entered the game to the kind of applause usually reserved for retired heads of state, not mediocre 1st round picks who can't beat out Delonte West, the corpse of Gary Payton or Mike James for a starting role on a point-guard starved Celtics squad.

So anyway, it was a tough game to evaluate because the Celtics were all over the fucking map, but clearly turnovers, vacillating degrees of intensity, a lack of movement on offense, and inept coaching were the difference.

Ah yes, the inept coaching. Tonight, the following items were entered into evidence in our ongoing crusade - 1) Doc played Ricky 14 consecutive minutes to start the game, and fittingly Ricky looked VERY TIRED. The meltdown in the 2nd quarter started with Ricky's inability to get anything going offensively with the 2nd unit, and it just snowballed from there. 2) Kendrick Perkins had a great game for the 19 minutes he played. 6 points, 9 rebounds, 5 blocks, and lots of controlled energy. Doc yanked him with 5 minutes left in the 3rd quarter and HE NEVER RETURNED. Well, he kind of did with 13 seconds left to watch TJ Ford hit two free throws, but that doesn't really count. It was fucking unreal. 3) Down 8 (I think) with like four minutes left in the game, Doc again "Went Small" and put a lineup of Pierce, Blount, West, Banks and RickyD. A short while later, he took out Blount and put in Dickau, who promptly gave up an offensive rebound and put-back by Jiri Welsch. The word "aghast" doesn't properly convey the depth of this reporter's reaction to these "coaching decisions."

The biggest subplot of the game was the aforementioned return of Marcus Banks, who looked like an amped-up version of his usual self, which in these dire times automatically made him the second best point guard on the team. He did some great things on defense and made a couple sick drives, but also did some godawful things like turning the ball over with a truly stupid pass and taking some bad, rushed shots. My prediction is he'll command about 3.5 per on the open market, which means we'll need to lock him up with the full mid-level as penance for 2 years of abuse by Doc Rivers. Nope, things ain't looking up...

Player of the Game - Michael Redd. I'm not sold on him as a max contract guy, but when he's good he's very good, and tonight he iced us down during their big run in the 2nd quarter and overall scared Celtics fans every time he shot the ball.

Hamcock - Orien Greene. One could make the argument for Ricky, Al, or Raef, but I'm giving it to Orien because yet again the offense completely fell apart when he was on the floor. After seeing Marcus play with surprising effectiveness after missing 21 games, our man OG will probably spend the rest of the night trying to remember if its "NBDL" or "NDBL." Either way, he'll be amongst his peers.

Quote of the Night - "I'm glad that Perk isn't hugging anyone" Mike Gorman. This comment came right before tip off as the camera lingered Mark Blount and Michael Redd hugging, swaying and speaking into each other's ears in a way that one rarely sees outside of a drunken high school prom scenario. It was like Brokeback Mountain for the urban sports set, and I imagine people in the stands were covering their children's eyes and making fake cell phone calls, just so they wouldn't have to watch. And hopefully for the first time in his life, Lucky knew what it was like to feel embarrassment because of the actions of someone other than himself.

A Paul I Want On The Celtics

2005-12-16T11:48:00.000-05:00

What could, and should, of happened after Pierce asked for a trade this past summer.

2005 Off-Season
Pierce for Van Exel and the 3rd pick, Danny selects PG Chris Paul. With two points guard on board, Danny has no reason to shop for another point guard (no Dickau). We’ll assume that he still signs Scalabrine. He still drafts Gomes and Green, who makes the team, but not Greene, and whoever he drafts doesn’t make the team.

2005 Season
Starters, PG – Paul, SG – Ricky, SF – Gomes, PF – Jefferson, C – LaFrentz
Bench, Van Exel, West, Allen, Reed, Scalabrine, Perk, Green, Banks

Sure, this team scares no one, but our current team doesn’t either, and look at the scrubs Chris Paul is playing with, and they have a fucking better record than us. The Celtics truly commit to the rebuilding process with Pierce gone. Ricky and Jefferson flourish because they have a real point guard to get them the ball when and where they want it. Blount whines even more because another butt-buddy is gone, and Doc banishes him to the bench the entire season giving Perk major minutes. They don’t make the playoffs and end up with a 7-11 range draft pick.

2006 Off-Season
With Van Exel’s contract expiring, the Celtics have $41 million in guaranteed contracts for the ’06-’07 season (that’s even including Vin’s $5 million), leaving approximately $14 million in cap space to play with. Assuming that Danny doesn’t package him in Blount/LaFrentz miracle trade, Banks is resigned at a reasonable $3-4 million per. Danny then overpays for free agent Radmanovic, and drafts frontcourt depth in Shelden Williams.

2006 Season

Starters, PG – Paul, SG – Ricky, SF – Radmanovic, PF – Jefferson, C – LaFrentz
Bench, Banks, West, Allen, Green, Gomes, Reed, Scalabrine, Perk, Williams

One more year to grow, and this core is ready to truly compete in 2007.

Pacer? I hardly know her!

2005-12-14T22:51:00.000-05:00

A pleasant surprise. The Celtics took advantage of a lethargic and out-of-synch Pacers squad and came away with one of their better wins of the season. Many things went right - the C's played solid defense, ran on offense (particularly in the first half), and prevailed despite fucking up their own momentum by turning the ball over a number of times when they could have blown shit wide open. That this all happened with Ricky and Pierce having off shooting nights was even more encouraging.

But, before we anoint ourselves the NBA champions and their fans of 05/06, it must be stated that the Pacers were awful. They played the role we usually play - the unprepared, enervated, and woefully outclassed visiting team. I don't know if the Artest situation is screwing that badly with their heads, or this is simply a team still figuring itself out, but they looked like total suck. They even had one of those classic Dumb and Dumber moments when two teammates (I believe Jackson was one of them) grab the rebound with no one else around and still manage to knock it out of bounds.

Anyway, the best news of the night was that Doc actually played the players we all want to see (Perk, Jefferson, and, uhhhhhhhhhh, well Perk and Jefferson) and didn't play Dickau, Reed or Scalaburine. Oh yeah, Gomes got in there too. Was it my birthday or something? Not that I'm aware of, but don't tell Doc. Granted, he still "went small" in the last few minutes of the game and kept Blount out there when we had no other rebounders, but fuck it, we won, and I'm just happy those aforementioned fuckheads were kept on the bench.

Before we go, a quick note on Pacer's reserve center David Harrison and reality television. A few years ago DH appeared on an episode of MTV's Real World (San Diego, I believe) because one of the roommates (the dimwitted, good hearted, drunken snowboard guy) knew him from college. I only mention this because that was the season they also had a girl who was afraid of looking at boats and another who was afraid of mentally retarded people. That was a banner year for reality TV. I challenge David Stern to top that kind of entertainment.

Player of the Game - Kendrick Perkins. I know he's something of a CelticsDoom fave and we probably overvalue his contributions, but tonight showed how important it is to have him on the floor providing the rebounding and interior presence that Blount and Raef simply cannot give us. No way Blount scores 22 points unless Perk is in there doing the dirty work on the boards (8 in 20 minutes) allowing us to sacrifice toughness at the 4 in order to get Blount's pussy jumpshot offense rolling.

Hamcock - Ricky Davis. I love Ricky D, but he sucked tonight. He turned the ball over way too much (5 times) and couldn't hit his shot (3-11). I got this weird idea in my head at one point that this could be Ricky's last game as a Celtic. It would suck if he left clutching the Hamcock because RickyDFan would probably never talk to us again. Don't leave us RickyD!

Quote of the Night - "He looks like that caveman commercial" Tommy on the topic of Scott Pollard. It was a banner broadcast night, probably the best call of the season from Mike and Tommy. The highlight was Tommy working in this reference to the aesthetically polarizing Geico commerical, later followed by a fully valid reference to "The Prince" by Machiavelli. For the record, I like the caveman commercial, although I understand why many people find it unfunny. I also like those LeBron family adverts, although they seem like something we're all going to get sick of very quickly. Kind of like seeing Mark Blount play 32 minutes a game.

one man's trash is another man's Celtics roster

2005-12-13T13:34:00.000-05:00

It’s a bit early, but trade talk is always a fun exercise, and with Artest being put on the public trading block it might be interesting to evaluate the trade value of our current Celtics squad. Granted, this is somewhat akin to searching for spare change underneath your car seat on a hung-over Sunday morning when you already know there's nothing there but empty soda cups and moldy cassette tapes, but what the fuck, it's a free read.

Before we begin, two caveats:

1) I do not think Ainge will make a significant trade this year.
2) I say this hoping to be proven wrong.

Tradeable

Ricky Davis – Ricky leads the pack because his modest contract and impressive offensive numbers are the sorts of things that other GM’s look at and say, “why the fuck not?” Ricky could conceivably be packaged with one of our albatrosses for cap relief, traded straight up for a disgruntled Earl Watson type, or packaged with our young, spare parts for a name player (Lamar Odom anyone?). In all likelihood, he will stay, but his value has certainly reached its zenith and if Ainge is looking to make a splash, Ricky is one of the few guys he can throw in the pool.

Al Jefferson – I would imagine that Al’s name is mentioned in every conversation Ainge has with other GM’s, and of course we assume Ainge views his inclusion as a deal breaker. Al is a big, highly gifted 20 year old with touch around the basket, making squat over the next three years. He straddles the line between “prodigy” and “project” in a way that makes him intriguing to the rest of the league, and maddening to those of us who see lots of shortcomings. Nonetheless, as of this moment Big Al is The Future, and we assume he is untouchable unless the names Garnett, James or Brand are in the conversation.

Paul Pierce – Pierce is a trade conundrum, as are all B-list superstars (ie – max contract, marketable, but not a true franchise player). Vince Carter, Baron Davis, and Steve Francis are all in Pierce’s category, and each one of them was traded over the past two years. In two of those three cases, however, their teams were willingly fleeced just to be rid of them, and only in Francis’ case was another (much better) all-star involved. A Pierce deal would be complicated by two basic facts 1) any team that could use Pierce to “put them over the top” is not going to have anything worthwhile to offer in return, and 2) a losing team is not going to trade young talent for a guy who cannot immediately turn their franchise around. For all of the hoopla surrounding Pierce’s resurgence this season (hoopla we have been part of), he’s still not ever going to be a Kobe or Tracy McGrady type GM’s will overpay to have on their team. I can’t see him being traded because I don’t think ownership could stomach the heat for getting 50 cents back on the dollar, but if he goes I am convinced it’ll be to Sacramento, Chicago or Denver.

Gerald Green – ironically, his value may have been at its peak on the same night he slid 15 spots in the draft, but who wouldn’t want to take a flier on a guy who can shoot, dunk, and been compared so often to Tracy McGrady that some fans might even take it seriously. His failure to crack the active list on a lottery bound team has hurt his value, but packaging him with some of our lesser-lauded lights might land us a player.

Untradeable

Mark Blount – with one of the uglier contracts in all of sport and a reputation for being soft, ineffective, and a locker room cancer, there is no other team in the league who would seek out Blount unless they were looking to dump some garbage of their own. Do not be fooled by those who would say things like, “some team can use his offense,” he’s still un-tradeable. No team in the league needs a soft 30 year old “center” who can’t rebound, is among the league leaders in turnovers, and is set to draw $7.9 million dollars in the year 2009/2010. Much like having drunken physical relations with an unattractive member of the opposite sex, the regret can only be magnified when other people become involved. That is to say – no one’s fucking this fat bitch since Ainge got in her.

Raef LaFrentz - Raef was probably un-tradeable when Danny traded for him, but the passage of time has only made his contract more grotesque and his output less inspiring. Raef is not a bad player by any stretch, but after this season he’s still on the books for three more years, and his game is not exactly on the upswing. To deal him is likely impossible, as even combining him with Pierce or Davis puts you into the $20 million deal range, and it’s hard to believe that anyone wants Pierce or Ricky enough to take on $30 million worth of Raef.

Brian Scalabrine – with the changes to the CBA that now allow a 25% difference in total salaries for trading purposes, it is doubtful that this lemon even has value as trade filler. One of the five worst players in the league and with guaranteed money until 2009/2010, there is no one in their right mind who wants or needs this idiot on their team. He will sit on the Celtics bench for the next five years as a monument to the poisonous Wormtongue influence that is The Brain Doctor.

Who the Fuck Knows

Delonte West – It’s hard to imagine any GM salivating over the opportunity to add the Herp to their roster, but perhaps his versatility and reputation as a good shooter gives him some value around the league. My guess is outside of providing filler in a multi-player deal, Delonte will likely remain a classic over-valued “career Celtic,” with a long term, low-money contract eventually appearing on the horizon. He’s non-threatening to the fans, active, and a genuine team player, but no GM in the league needs to go back to their team announcing - “Hey everyone, I just traded a lottery-protected 1st rounder for a career back-up shooting guard with a fragile point guard’s body who couldn’t unequivocally beat Orien Greene out of a starting position in the 2005 training camp.”

Perk – Obviously a lot of teams would love to have a 7 footer with a nose for the ball and no great ambition to be the next Wilt Chamberlain on offense, but I wonder if Perk is really on anyone’s radar yet. In two years I could easily see him as anything from our starting center to our 10th man. His strengths are such that he sometimes brings to mind a more awkward version of Ben Wallace, but his bull-in-a-china-shop style of play and often misplaced aggressiveness gives off a general “poor man’s Danny Fortson” vibe. Trading him now would be inane, because at worst he will always maintain some trade value as a physical presence, and at best he reasonably develop into something much more valuable over the next couple years.

Dan Dickau - Believe it or not, I could see someone trading for Dickau. He’s a great shooter, an experienced point guard, and only has two more years on his contract after this season. He could fit in well as a backup on a good team that can afford his defensive lapses.

The Dregs

Tony Allen, Marcus Banks, Justin Reed, Orien Greene, and Ryan Gomes – no one is looking to add these guys to their roster, but they’re cheap enough to work as extra parts in a real trade. I’m sure Ainge would love to move Marcus before they have to deal with his upcoming “fuck you I told you so” dip into the free agent market, but as motivated sellers I doubt they can extort much for him. These guys only have value in the unlimited imaginations of hyper-optimistic Celtics fans.

L 89-101 Same as it ever was

2005-12-09T23:44:00.000-05:00

For many of us, the only question going into this game was exactly how often Mike and Tommy would rely on the old "we should have had Tim Duncan in the draft" laments to fill up empty broadcast space during our inevitable spanking at the hands of the vastly superior Spurs. Interestingly enough, they bitched more about how we could have drafted Tony Parker, but the inevitable spanking went on as scheduled

A brief, interesting note - Rick Pitino has affected both of these franchises in some deeply fundamental ways. His systematic fucking up of the Celtics is well documented, but we also blew the opportunity to pick Parker because we picked Joe Forte in a "throw a bone to Red Auerbach" gesture designed to make the old man feel like part of the team after years of getting dicked over and ignored by, yup, Rick Pitino. It was Pitino's last curse, so to speak, and if you believe strongly, as do I, that it was his fucked up karma that killed our draft lottery in 1997, then you could argue that the Spurs have won two titles thanks to largely to him.

Anyway, back to the "game." We were never in this one and although we got it down to three at one point in the third, no one in Vegas was exactly getting nervous. We struggled scoring points, their bench was amazing, and when it got close they just turned it on and blew us out of the water. Yes, the Spurs really are THAT good, and it is painful for Celtics fans to consider the two divergent paths these franchises have gone down since the rock bottom of that 1997 draft.

On the player side of things, Ryan Gomes, who looked like he might have gotten on track against the Hornets, was DNP'd until garbage time. Scalaburine who looked so good sitting on the bench and never getting into the game against the Hornets, got all of the minutes (11) backing up the 3 and looked like an idiot doing so. Blount was the only consistent source of offense in the first half, which I note simply out of fairness. Perk looked good - he avoided stupid fouls and pulled down ten rebounds, so of course Doc sat him for most of the fourth and insultingly threw him back in for the last minute of garbage time. Way to reward good effort Coc!

Player of the Game: Manu Ginobili. Fuck Tony Parker and his sweet Hollywood trim, Manu is the real bastard to deal with on this team. He had four steals, two of which were nasty momentum killers, and had an effortless 14 points in 24 minutes. I know he's overrated to some degree, but I dig this wacky fucker.

Hamcock: Brian Scalaburine. "Congratulations Brian, this is your first official Hamcock since we renamed the award. (pause for applause) I want you to know that bricked three pointers, the inability to rebound, the clumsy drives to the basket followed by uncatchable passes... these are the things that make you a CelticsDoom legend. (pause for applause) Your Tittypoints are more readily noticeable than Eva Longoria's when she found out how much money her French boyfriend makes playing a game for a living. (pause for laughs) But seriously Brian, when you play in a Celtics game, a depressing experience becomes all the more headache inducing. Thanks for all you do."

Quote of the Night: "Brian Scalabrine is coming into the game and Ricky Davis is going out" - Mike Gorman. The season in a nutshell. Nuff said.

High Post Offense Sucks, Pierce Apparently Doesn’t

2005-12-08T09:43:00.000-05:00

Having watched a full year of Doc’s “motion” offense, a fraud consisting of no set play that disintegrated into isolation for Pierce or Ricky while the remainder of the team watched from spots on the floor that prevented them from getting an offensive rebound, I am very happy to see the Celtics run set plays. I am no expert on basketball offensive plays, but this year’s staple seems to be a high post set that puts the ball in the hands of the four or five at the elbow to face the basket and distribute to either wing for an open shot or drive to the hoop.

On paper, the play is solid. The PG gets the ball to the 4 or 5 at the foul line extended, while a series of picks and cuts for the scorers to drive into an opened lane (post defenders having been brought to the perimeter by design). If nothing presents itself, get the ball to the 2 or 3 and run a pick and roll.

Either by poor execution, or poor players, this play NEVER seems to result in a cut to the basket for the Celtics. Stymied by option 1, we then run the pick and roll. The play must work in practice, since apparently no one on the Celtics is capable of defending a play as old as Bea Arthur’s cunt. However, most NBA coaches have devised ways to disrupt the play, and have imparted that knowledge onto their players. So again, either by good defense, poor offensive execution or poor players, the ball never gets to the “roller.” More often than not, the picker aborts his drive and pops out a few feet beyond the lane. Now, it’s everybody for themselves, and with the shot clock under 10, we’re back to “motion” offense.

I have grown to hate this play, particularly when AJ is in the game. I don’t like AJ with the ball on the perimeter – I don’t even like him on the perimeter. Notice when an outside shot goes up, rather than fight for position, he stares at the ball mid-flight. The play is for a soft and goofy center who can hit a 15-footer. The high post should not be run unless he is in the game (and therefore hopefully rare).

During the first quarter against Houston, I saw a play I haven’t seen in a while with this team. West got the ball immediately down to Perk, who was already in position on the block. Perk calmly assessed his options while West’s defender cheated a bit. Perk to West, West to Pierce as the defense shifted, Pierce to a wide open Ricky (who unfortunately missed the shot). Simple and beautiful.

Because of a long line of mediocre big men who fancy themselves outside shooters, the C’s haven’t had an inside-out game for years. In AJ and Perk, we have traditional post players filling traditional roles. Throw out the high-post page in the play-book, put the post players, get this, in the post. Stop wasting all this time exchanging the ball without purpose on the perimeter. Get the ball down low in the post, flair out with the wings and move without the ball. I believe it’s called a simple “stack” offense that has worked for years.

Solid win by the Celts last night. They really needed it, because they may not win another until 2006. Seriously.

Player of the Game – Paul Pierce. Eventually I’m going to have to do a huge blow job article on Pierce. He really is playing great. Good shots, good ball movement, excellent on the boards. When he was blocked by Mason in the first quarter, got the ball back and leveled him for an offensive foul, I thought “here comes Evil Pierce.” Last year he would have punched him in the nuts, whined to the refs that all-stars don’t get blocked cleanly, screamed to his teammates to just give him the ball, and called Danny a cracka while finalizing his post-games plans to hit on someone’s girlfriend and get stabbed. But no, he calmed himself down and played a solid game.

Might I have to change my name? Not when Kool-Aid drinkers are making him an MVP candidate. Tommy said last night that Pierce wasn’t just an “All-Star,” but an “All-Pro.” What does that even mean?

Hamcock – aka Worst Celtic of the Game – Raef LaFrentz. Look out, second game in a row for the man who receives by far the most slack on the team. Raef is as cold as my wife after I bought her a vacuum on Mother’s Day, just brutal shooting (5-25 from the field in the last four games). Lends the question, if Raef can’t shoot, what does he bring to the table beside the fact he isn’t Scalabrine? Hamcock voting was closer than you may think though, as Blount’s 4 rebounds in 34 minutes warrants attention.

In a transparent nod to the contributors and posters of CelticsDoom, both Tommy and Mike said “high, hard one.” I think they were referring to passes, but it seemed obvious that they were just trying to work it in the broadcast for us. Bravo, guys.

Houston we are the problem

2005-12-07T09:40:00.000-05:00

(Sorry for the delay. I wrote most of this last night and was too tired to tell if it made any sense)

Rough loss. This Rockets team isn't very good and they seemed ready to give it away if we had only played hard. The game was nearly impossible to enjoy - slow moving, lots of turnovers, almost no energy from the Celtics. Tonight we saw what happens when Ricky and Pierce have simultaneous off games and it wasn't pretty. We fell behind in the 2nd quarter and couldn't sustain any intensity on either side of the floor until late in the 3rd quarter when we had a run to get it down to eight. But then a missed Scalaburine three and a turnover got us back down by 11, and our complete lack of heart took care of the rest.

Speaking of our lamentable moron with 5 guaranteed years, an ugly moment occurred when Scalabrine nearly split poor Yao Ming's skull open trying to get to the hoop, in what had to be one of the lowest moments of the entire NBA season thus far. Imagine how David Stern will react tonight when he watches tape of the most awkward player in the league almost literally crippling the ambassador of basketball to the world's biggest country? My thought is that it will probably eclipse the reaction of Brittany Spears’s father when she told him she was going to be the mother of Kevin Federline’s third child. Or maybe my own reaction when I saw 3 minutes of "Chaotic" and realized I'd never get that time back.

On the player side of things, it was good at least see Al Jefferson get some minutes and score a bunch of points. Is this a sign of things to come or merely a rare “up” in his up and down season? My guess is the latter. Doc fucked around with playing Blount three more minutes than Perk, even though Perk wasn't in foul trouble and was doing what I thought was an effective job on defense. Of course, I’m sure in his post-game he provided some kind of classic Doc crazy-talk explanation along the lines of: “Perk wasn’t limiting the touches to the power 2's and point-bigs and defending the pick and small against the youngs.” The beat goes on.

Player of the Game – Luther Head. No real reason here outside of his last name, which makes him a must on my “all-CelticsDoom favorite names” NBA team. In a tremendously boring game, I found myself laughing out loud imagining what it would be like to work as a Rocket’s announcer and say such things as, “Head goes to the floor” “Head covers his man” “Give Head the ball…” And so on.

Hamcock – aka Worst Celtic of the Game – Raef LaFrentz. Holy fuck did Raef have a terrible game. 0-6, 2 rebounds (that I think were on the same play), 1-4 from the free throw line. Even Scalaburine’s near braining of Yao Ming seemed like skilled NBA play in comparison. In a night where Tittypoints points were handed out like free condoms in the Senegal, Raef took the Hamcock and ran out of the building.

"Ryan Gomes always seems nonplussed," Mike Gorman. Alright, this is something that annoys me and probably no one else, but Gorman says “nonplussed” a lot, and I think he means it to convey that the player is “unfazed” or “not affected.” Unfortunately, “nonplussed” means confused or bewildered or completely out of it, which would be a more apt description for Doc Rivers sitting on the bench than it is a description of Ryan Gomes on the floor.

At least we're Knot the Knicks

2005-12-04T16:53:00.000-05:00

It was a very near thing, but thank God we didn't lose to these assholes. The Knicks are one of the few teams to rival the Celtics in terms of stupidity and lack of heart (not to mention lousy management), and so it was fitting that we found our first victory on the road while wearing home uniforms in Madison Square Garden.

On that topic, here are some interesting parallels between us and the Knicks:
1) Danny Ainge = Isiah Thomas. Former players turned embattled GMs with good drafts and terrible free agent signings.
2) Jamaal Crawford = Mark Blount. Heartless losers signed to long term mid-level-plus deals after a protracted off-season courtship where their agents managed to create false bidding-wars amidst lukewarm interest from the rest of the league.
3) Quentin Richardson = Raef LaFrentz. "Take him or leave him" type overpaid starting role players obtained in trades for players that were presumed to be "heart and soul" types for the franchise (Toine and Kurt Thomas).

Anyway, the Celtics fell behind early, came back, and squandered the lead again in the fourth. The Knicks made a big run in the final minutes and probably would have taken it from us if they weren't a (similarly) weak minded ball club with failure written all over them. Dan Dickau came off the bench to secure the game with some clutch free throws, and the Celtics held on to a victory that was closer than it should have been.

Pierce and Ricky had gigantic nights, Delonte was solid, Perk was plagued with foul trouble but clearly disrupted the Knicks inside game whenever he was on the floor. I would be remiss if I neglected to report that even Scalaburine was effective in the first half. The big news of the game was that Doc broke free of the eternal recurrence we'd been subject to this year of having Blount on the floor in crunch time, and while it is difficult to say it made any difference, at least Big Al got the meaningful minutes (and 31 overall).

So overall it was a solid win, and in light of the upcoming trip to Texas, it was a must win. Doc seems to have reacted well to the omnipresent threat of the CelticsDoom Hamcoc(k), and at least let some of the guys who can win games for us stay on the floor. A Tittypoint must be assessed, however, for keeping Gomes off the floor in favor of Scalaburine/Reed.

Player of the Game - Paul Pierce. It was Ricky who got us back in the game when we fell behind in the first half, but Pierce had another great all around effort that makes one optimistic, at least, if we blow this whole thing apart come January we might get something good for him. 28/9/7, steals.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Orien Greene. It is with reluctance that I give the Hamcock to this poor rookie who's been getting his head fucked with all year by Doc, but he had a second straight game of providing very little recognizable on-court benefit (0-5, 0 assists). I mean, maybe he should start patting everyone on the ass after they miss a free throw like Mark Blount, or running around and wildly gesticulating during stoppages of play like Brian Scalaburine, just to look like he's doing something.

Quote of the Night (Day): "Mark Blount's getting active, and that's what we need, he's got good hands and he can jump" Tommy Heinsohn. The T-man said this by way of describing Mark Blount, which I think in all fairness can be defined as literally the exact opposite of the truth.

There is someone dumber than Doc Rivers

2005-12-02T22:56:00.000-05:00

A disgraceful, and completely avoidable loss. The Bulls came into this thing with what appeared to be an indifferent attitude towards the game of basketball, allowing the Celtics to come back from a couple big deficits and even take a six point lead at one point in the fourth quarter. Pierce had arguably one of the ten best games of his career and the Celtics played decently for stretches, but completely inept coaching from Doc Rivers and Tony Brown doomed the cause.

The problem was largely rebounding. We got completely killed on the boards (47-34) because those two morons refused to put rebounders in the game. In the fourth quarter, Brown chose the "go small" stupidity, leaving one big man on the floor, and of course it was the one who happens to be incapable of rebounding. So again, instead of Perk or LaFrentz or Big Al, we had Blount getting the minutes at crunch time. The big imbecile even had a clutch offensive rebound at one point, but got the ball immediately stolen out of his useless hands, resulting in one of several "CelticsDoom Tittyfuck sponsored Hamcocks" he earned this evening. He ended up with a classic Blount line that is something of a Rorschach test for Celtics fans - 14/7 (Kool-Aide'rs say "yay!") with 4 turnovers and all the "tough" defense one foul provides (CelticsDoom'ers say "fuck him!").

In other player related news, Perk came rushing back to earth with an 8/1 evening in 18 minutes, but he played decent and probably would have had better numbers if that fucking idiot assistant coach had played him at all in the fourth quarter. Big Al, same deal. Another brutal coaching decision was to let Orien Greene play all the backup minutes at point guard even though the team struggled harshly with him running the show, largely because he seems so afraid of shooting the ball that the defenses are able to lay off him and clog up the middle. I'm sure Danny spends nights breathing into a paper bag when he realizes that he torched Banks to keep this guy.

But, the most important event of the evening was the very first Hamcock point handed out by this blog. It happened at 6:08 in the first quarter when Ricky committed his second foul and Doc replaced him with NOT Gomes, NOT Reed, NOT with Dickau, NOT even with Gerald Green, but with Brian Scalaburine! In the following three minutes we fell behind seven points. Give that man his Hamcock! Doc of course was later ejected from the game, (sadly, not for stupidity), and the Celtics went on a run. Come on Doc, you can't get Hamcock's from the locker room!

Player of the Game - Paul Pierce. This is most unusual, I know, but Pierce was incredible and for the first time in several years I felt really, really bad for him. He put up 43 points on 12-21, pulled down 11 rebounds and had 5 assists, while his coaching staff betrayed him by basically handing the game over. He had one defensive fuck up where he was chatting with the ref while the Bulls got the ball up the court and someone made a shot in his face, but we'll pretend theat never happened. Deng, who is my favorite young player in the league, had a sick game for the Bulls, but Pierce deserved a win tonight.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Tony Brown. The Hamcock Award is presented to our assistant coach for the most inept Celtic coaching performance put forth this decade by someone not named Rivers or Carroll. His substitutions and lineups at the end of the game were disgraceful. Steve Bulpett of the Herald was talking before the game and said how the worst part of the Orlando loss was that there was no benefit for the young players. As in, the Celtics lost and didn't even have their future on the floor learning what it takes to play in close games. That goes double for tonight. There is NO reason why Perk or Jefferson shouldn't have been on the floor instead of Blount. Terrible, terrible job all around.

Quote of the Night - "Now that's a Tittypoint!" Me. I yelled this several times at the television in an effort to fully inaugurate the Hamcock Award. Nice night for it, there were a lot to go around. Remember, Tittypoints and Hamcocks are handed out for extra-stupidity, laziness, and going above and beyond when disappointing Celtics viewers. "All red-heads named Scalaburine automatically get a Tittypoint!" (thanks again Tittyfuck, you have created a monster)

Finally, A Celtic Who Can Grab Balls

2005-12-01T10:30:00.000-05:00

Thank God for Perk. You got to give Perk a fucking ton a credit. For a year and a half, he’s dealt with a coach who laments the energy, passion and rebounding on his team while denying PT to the guy who’s worked hard to provide just what the team was lacking. It’s like the porn star with a huge cock, and the director is screaming that he can’t find a guy with a big cock, and the guys who are actually fucking have small cocks, zits on their asses, and blowing their load too early, and huge-cock star is standing right there, with his slong hanging out. I expect you guys to expound upon this metaphor.

Fortunately, Perk showed up. I have a feeling that, had Perk not delivered as a starter, he would have gone back to the pine while That Cunt played 30+ minutes a night and the youth movement went back to lacking both youth and movement. Perk shows Coc that, given a chance, the young guys can not only succeed, but excel. We here at Doom pride ourselves for the distinct lack of overreaction from a game or performance, but I think that last night’s game may be a turning point for the future.

I never expect Perk to be anything but a solid, extremely dependable backup center for a good team. It’s what he represents, hope. Hope that we can get past a series of overpaid, undertalented “veterans” who make the team virtually unwatchable. Hope that our brain-dead coach noticed the standing O, despite fouling out, from the announced sell-out crowd (sure). Hope that we can actually develop this blend of intriguing young talent. For fuck sake, you have 17 assistants.

Play the young guys, Doc. I don’t want to hear you lament the lack of energy and smarts from the three when you deactivate Gomes tomorrow night.

83-87 - Too Much Magic Realism

2005-11-28T23:06:00.000-05:00

Another ugly one that makes you see how far behind we are the other "developing" teams in the league. Low on talent and heart, the Celtics showed tonight that are learning how to lose, and they have gotten to that point where every game it seems like a matter of time before they break down mentally and fuck up a chance at a victory.

Tonight they laid down like dogs in the fourth quarter, turning the ball over seven times in the last 12 minutes and losing to this only-sorta-good Magic team. Fittingly, the game all but ended when the quasi-resurrected Mark Blount got his shit blocked by a teenager (Dwight Howard) on a play that was an upfake away from tying the game.

The ugliest thing to witness was the de-evolution of the team offense in the fourth quarter to old-school 1 on 5 "I'm going to take over" bullshit from EVERYONE. Delonte, Pierce, Ricky, and even fucking Dan Dickau were trying to do it all on their own. Terrifying.

On the player drama side of things, tonight saw a forgiven Mike Hunt, I mean Mork Blunt, coming off the bench and getting 31 minutes, showing some actual hustle in the first half, and demonstrating his unique court un-awareness getting blocked by Howard. Al played one of his best games of the year, which must be why he got yanked with like six minutes to go and never came back. Justin "Can't" Reed seems to have retaken his lead on Gomes (DNP-CD) on the depth chart. Orien Greene has now gone from DNP land to starting to back to DNP land. Delonte West came back from his hip injury and was solid, but he ain't turning this ship around.

I leave you with these thoughts - the Magic are an organization that over the past three years has traded its franchise player, drafted a teenager, lost a hall of fame talent to chronic injury, traded a star guard for a pussy whipped loser they eventually waived, and relied on big minutes from the likes of Tony Battie, Pat Garrity and Kelvin Kato. Not to mention they are a basketball team that was mostly assembled by a hockey executive. But even with all that, you tell me - who has the brighter future, us or them?

Player of the Game - Tony Battie. Gotta give some love to El Busto and his 8 and 8, even if the night belonged to a well balanced Magic team led mostly by Stevie "Mediocre" Franchise.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Raef LaFrentz. An ugly 1-10 and 3 rebounds, but our man Raef at least looks like he's trying.

Quote of the night - "Not the kind of power move we're used to Mark Blount making." Donny Marshall. We haven't talked much about our former UConn fave Donny "no, Donyell is the good" Marshall and his work in the broadcast booth, but this was one of his few missteps. IMO, the only power move Mark Blount has made all year likely involved the third stall of the men's room at the Waltham practice facility after a night of eating unripened bananas and hot chili.

I Can’t Swallow What’s Coming Out Of Coc

2005-11-25T10:39:00.000-05:00

Doc often says the right things before and after the game, but he doesn’t follow up during the game, rendering many of his most constructive quotes unless, and leaving some players (and fans, all twelve of us) wondering if he means what he says.

Right now, he’s not even getting the quotes right. Doc recently lamented the lack of playing time for Perk. What? There’s an easy fix to that - FUCKING PLAY HIM. Here are a few more quotes from Doc the last few days, along with my suggestions on how he should have said them.

What he said:
''I don't know if it's effort or toughness. You can fix effort, but I don't know if you can fix toughness."

What he should of said:
"Right now we are not playing with any intensity or toughness. Maybe I’ve been too soft on these guys, maybe the team is a reflection of me. Fine. The days of being their friend are over. No more days off, no more walking through practice. I don’t care if we’re dead tired on game day, we are going to learn about mental and physical toughness the next few weeks. If I see progress, you play. If I don’t, you won’t."

(On a side, I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but I can’t imagine any good coach, Riley, Brown, Calhoun, saying you can’t teach toughness.)

What he said:
''There's going to be tough stretches in the year for everybody; no one's running away with our division."

What he should of said:
"We shouldn’t take solace in the shared mediocrity of the Atlantic. I would rather lose and improve than win the way we have been playing. When first place in the division is close because other teams are struggling, you coach for the present and not the future. Last year showed us that a poor team could win a Division Title, but do us no good for the future."

What he said:
''The guys who are griping and crying to [reporters], those are the guys with no character."

What he should have said:
''The guys who are griping and crying to [reporters], those are the guys with no character. I WILL NOT PLAY THOSE GUYS. By the way, Celtsblog really fucking sucks, long-live the guys over at Doom."

117-120 Thanks for giving no effort on defense

2005-11-23T22:26:00.000-05:00

If suffering a humiliating loss to the only winless team in the league wasn't enough to make you ashamed of being a Celtics fan, when you look at these two crappy squads and wonder, "who would you rather be in three years?" the obvious answer of "Atlanta" makes you truly resent the time you waste watching this team. Atlanta has better rookie players, better second year players, better overachieving 2nd round picks, better cheerleaders, and even better white stiffs. They have a promising future with a squad full of talented, athletic players and a fairly flexible salary situation. We have a predictable downward spiral ahead of us, full of mediocre big men with grotesque contracts and a bunch of guys who would make real good 12th men on winning teams.

Tonight's game featured, among other things, Orien Green going from virtual DNP-CD land to the starting lineup, Pierce creeping back into "fuck it I'll just start jacking up shots" mode, Al "Sometimes I show up/often I don't" Harrington going for 34 points, and the entire Celtics team showing a complete inability to sustain any kind of defense effort. Like literally, until Justin Reed came in, they just stood there and watched the Hawks score. Couple this with some terrible decisions and unbelievably sloppy turnovers down the stretch, and we got what we deserved.

On the player side of things, Doc tried a new rotation where Ricky went to the bench later than he has been, and Pierce played well into the 2nd quarter. It didn't seem to help. Also, Kendrick got some minutes and did his usual good stuff, so of course he barely played in the 4th quarter. At least Doc let him and Jefferson play together, which if he did more often might actually start to yield results. We wouldn't want that, would we Doc?

Player of the Game - Zaza Pachulia. In a game marked by a lack of effort and hustle on the part of the Celtics big men, this crappy Euro took advantage and played like Mark Blount in a contract year. He got 8 offensive rebounds, mostly ripping them out of Raef and Blount's hands, and generally demonstrated how better off we'd be with almost anyone else but them in the middle.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Mark Blount. In 25 minutes our main man Mork managed 6 points, 1 rebound, 5 fouls and 5 turnovers and generally was Pachulia's bitch. I cunt believe it!

Quote of the Night - "That Pachulia sure gets his hands on a lot of balls." Mike Gorman. Is this basketball play-by-play or is Mike reciting something he saw in a bathroom stall in Tibilisi Russia? In my weaker moments I have this fantasy that they all read this blog and say things like that hoping to get in it.

It has now become abundantly clear - that 82 games is a long fucking season to watch this shitty team.

PS - I want to give a quick shout out to our friends over at the Impending Firestorm Hawks blog (hawks.mostvaluablenetwork.com) who know the pain of writing all year about a team that pisses you off far more often than not. Rock on fellow shitty team bloggers.

The Ship Be Sinking

2005-11-23T10:05:00.000-05:00

I don’t need a fucking absurd 20 game rule to know that this team is troubled.

There is no heart on this team right now. There is absolutely no urgency or intensity in their game. No flow, no rhythm to the half-ass combinations Doc has thrown out there.

I’ve never been too hard on Doc, I thought he was adequate enough, particularly with the young guys. Dr. Chestnutt, as usual, has been balls-on with his assessment of Doc from the beginning – he sucks. The way we envisioned it, Doc would help develop the young core for a few years only to find a real coach when we were ready to truly compete. Doc never had the respect from the vets, and he’s already losing the young guys. Fuck, how many times can you hear the coach whine about intensity when his most hungry players sit on the bench while fuckheads just going through the motions get all the playing time?

There was a moment last night when I swear someone needed to take that goofy-looking center of ours aside and remind him that there was a basketball game going on.

The rotations are just silly, and Doc is getting out coached by first year coaches. Notice last night how Brown sat his starters at staggered intervals during the third quarter, while Doc left his in practically the entire quarter. The rested Cav crew obliterated the C’s when it counted.

It’s only a matter of time before everyone just plays for themselves, if we haven’t already reach that point. The schedule from now until the new year is just brutal.

Meanwhile, Danny is in Maui scouting our lottery pick for next year.
Can you find us a coach while you’re at it?

100-93 - we taint going to lose to the Craptors

2005-11-18T23:00:00.000-05:00

A squeaker of a win playing at home against the worst team in the league isn't exactly a precursor to #17, but we'll take it. The Celtics fought through some majorly bad vibes in the first half and played with the anxious look of men who were afraid to fail. They finally made a stand in the late third/early fourth quarter with an improbable lineup of Ricky, Scalaburine, Orien Greene, Dickau and Perk. If this is Doc's triumph of counter-intuition, he should remember that we were playing the fucking Raptors before he tries it again.

But back to Perk, he finally got some time and played a man's game, bringing life to a moribund Celtics squad that seemed content to sulk and lose for the first 24 minutes of the game. Pierce also had a great night and seemed like the only one of the starters in the first half who was wasn't depressed or hungover.

In general, the whole night was the stuff of bizarro world - Blount had an offensive rebound in a clutch situation, Perk got minutes, Charlie Villanueva hustled, and the Celtics won. What's next? Greg Dickerson projecting a likeable on air persona?

Player of the Game - Paul Pierce. I'd be a fool to deny it, he's playing the best basketball of his career. He kept the team afloat during a miserable first half and wound up with a fully representative 26/11/5 line.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Al Jefferson. He just looks like shit. I don't know if they tinkered with his game or what, but he's looked fucked up all year.

Quote of the Night - "When the ball goes up, you have to find the man closest to you and put your body on him." Tommy's annual homoerotic dissertation on how to rebound effectively. It never fails to elicit big laughter here at Celticsdoom HQ.

It has now become abundantly clear - that Perk needs to play. I do not understand why Doc can't put him and Jefferson on the floor together. The dude had 7 rebounds in like nineteen minutes tonight. The team plays much more aggressively when he's on the floor.

Rotations

2005-11-18T14:24:00.000-05:00

This shit isn’t working.

Merely eight games into the season, it’s already time to declare these rotations totally fucked. Beyond the mindless benching of our only inside presence, Doc’s combinations are just not effective. The starters are playing entirely too much, which shows on the defensive end and on the glass. There is absolutely no flow to the second unit.

Thing is, the rotations don’t look too egregious on paper. The first unit has played together for over a year now (on the same team that is), and the Ricky/AJ duo should be able to anchor the second team. So either Doc is a horrible coach, unable to get these guys to fill the role he has envisioned for him, or they are entirely incapable of fulfilling those roles.

Rotation talk inevitably hinges on the Ricky start/sit argument. While he remains one of my favorite players, I’m firmly in the bench Ricky camp. As it stands, Ricky never seems fully integrated with the starters. He sits for one timeout, maybe a minute or two, and then presses on an extremely clumsy second team.

The other immediate change I would make would be to move Blount, out of town preferably, but at least to the second unit, and perhaps to the power forward position. When you consider that many think our current starting center is having a renaissance start, chew on the following:

Among Celtic starters, Blount is last in rebounding. In fact, our starting center has 10 fewer rebounds than our starting point guard, who is fourth amongst starters in rebounding.
In approximately 200 fewer minutes, Perkins has only 6 fewer rebounds than Blount.
To date, there are 44 centers in the league who average more rebounds a game.
Overall, Mark Blount is 139th in rebounding, tied with Marbury, Arenas, Etan Thomas (in 12 minutes a game) and fucking SMUSH PARKER!

Fine, you want to showcase him for a trade, move him to the 4, where he can continue to take those fifteen footers (his layup according to an increasingly drunk Tommy), and team him on the frontcourt with someone who can board, Perk.

Accordingly, I would move AJ and Gomes to the starting unit. The first unit would still be Pierce-oriented, with AJ being the second offensive option. He’ll do better on the boards than Blount, and Gomes will battle underneath to give the first unit a needed jolt. The second unit would feature Ricky and Blount, with Perk hitting the glass, Reed playing D, and Dickau throwing the ball away.

Starters: C-Raef, PF-Jefferson, SF-Gomes, SG-Pierce, PG-West
Second unit: C-Perk, PF-Blount, SF-Reed, SG-Davis, PG-Dickau

Sure, there are holes in these rotations, please feel free to rip them apart. But they can’t be much worse than what we’re doing right now.

100-113 - Celtics Super-Suck!

2005-11-16T23:14:00.000-05:00

Well, what does one say? This Celtics team continuously falls into the trap of thinking they can coast when they get big leads or are playing against teams with losing records. In this case, they never had a big lead to blow, but they entered the TD Banknorth Garden with their heads firmly up their asses and lost a winable game. To paraphrase a legendary CelticsDoom poster - I know my asshole stinks, and now they know theirs do too.

So they came out as flat as Paris Hilton and blew about as hard as she does in her home videos. Nothing short of a night vision scope and Rick Solomon's cock could have made this game more uncomfortable to watch. Seriously, has anyone seen that movie? The best part is when she stops screwing to answer her cell phone. The best part of this game was when it was over and I no longer felt like I was being screwed.

On the player side of things, little good to report. Delonte looked godawful. Justin "I most likely can not" Reed continued to prove he has never met a shot he wouldn't take. We saw yet again that Blount does a good job of watching opponents grab rebounds right in front of him. Also, Dan Dickau played his way right out of the rotation, while Orien Greene came in for eleven minutes and barely looked any better.

Two positives - 1) Al Jefferson had his best game of the season. 2) I noticed tonight that Brian Scalabrine is good at grabbing the ball after an opponent makes a free throw and running out of bounds to set up for the inbounds pass. Is this unimportant? Perhaps, yes. But he does it as if his career depends on it, and it makes me laugh.

So yeah, bad game, but at least no one was indicted. Oh wait...

Player of the Game - Ray Allen. PO will be pissed off if I don't name his boy Ray-Ray the player of the game, and with his 32 on 12-17, I must oblige. That fucker is cold hearted and iced down a couple Celtic runs with bad-ass threes. Jesus Shuttlesworth. Recognize.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Delonte West. 4-10, 3 turnovers, and some truly lousy D on Ray-Ray and Ridnour. This is the only position where the Celtics can make a realistic trade to upgrade, and it is becoming clearer every game that it needs to happen. Sorry D-herp.

Quote of the Night - "Potapenko had an effective game" - Bob Cousy. Just because these are words I've never heard before. I hated that dumb motherfucker worse than any other player besides Waltah when he was on the Celtics. Another classic Pitino debacle. I'd rather be the team that loses and doesn't have Vitaly than the team that wins and does.

It Has Now Become Abundantly Clear - that Ricky Davis is the most important player on this team. If his contract was up, I really think he might command a max salary from this team. Scary.

100-115: a moral victory without the moral or the victory

2005-11-15T22:40:00.000-05:00

Oh well. A deceptively close three quarters dissolved into grim humiliation as the Pistons put the clamp down in the 4th quarter and broke the Celtics in half. Ugly stuff, and although the Celtics can take some comfort in the fact that the officiating degenerated into an almost WWF-level of absurdity favoring the Pistons, the boys in green nonetheless proved to be incapable of keeping their shit together when the going got tough. As much as the kool-aid drinkers will be tempted to spin this favorably, there is no such thing as a close 15 point loss. We looked like complete assholes who melt under pressure defense and have a soft front line that can't rebound during key moments in the game. Which we are, and do, and can't.

The only real bright spots were Ricky D's 31 point 10 assist effort and Al Jefferson looking a little more like his old aggressive self in the first half, scoring 10 points against a passive Pistons defense. Doc had his usual fucked up rotations, including the continued perplexing use of Brian Scalabrine, who pitched in with a cringe-laden effort that featured shitty defense and a highly ill-advised, out of control drive to the basket during a key part of the game. The Nets, I'm told, have truly missed his high-fives during the warmups. They were THE BEST!

Player of the Game - Carlos Arroyo. Although Chauncey really deserves the praise, it was Carlos who torched us when the game got blown open at the beginning of the 4th. Plus, he looks like an extra from Prison Break.This guy has had a funky career and should be on Danny boy's radar for a possible trade come January.

Worst Celtic of the Game - our main man Ryan Gomes. Our homeboy from the 'bury and consistent CelticsDoom favorite narrowly edged out Mark "33 minutes at center and 1 rebound" Blount for the prize all the NBA dreads winning. Ryan wasn't bad, he just wasn't very good tonight, and it pisses me off when he fucks up because I fear Doc burying him on the bench again. That said, I read some poor dope on a message board recently claiming that he'd take Ryan over Luol Deng. These are the kinds of things that fuel this blog, I swear.

Quote of the Night - "Who didn't?" Mike Gorman prodding Tommy to rip on Rick Pitino for trading Chauncey Billups about 9 seconds into his Celtics career. Tommy, the old pro, wouldn't bite, instead yelling, "Who?!!! The Celtics!!!" But I bring this all up to note the increasing number of "fuck-Pitino" references that seem to be creeping into the broadcast. This is the least they can do for us, as far as I'm concerned, and I think during the next blowout we're forced to sit through, Tommy should cut the surreal "everything's going to be okay by March" spin and cut loose with a couple anecdotes about Pitino calculating a tip at a restaurant or demanding that no one look him in the eye during the flight home. These are the things that would keep me watching.

It has now become abundantly clear - that Kendrick Perkins, our top rebounder and defensive presence in the middle, will not be playing this season. Just sayin', that's all.

Duncan and the Kool-Aid Killers

2005-11-11T22:16:00.000-05:00

If any kind of bubble came into existence during the time between Ricky's game winner against the Grizzlies and tip off tonight, it burst around minute three of this disaster. The Celtics fell behind early with careless turnovers and bad shots, made a 2nd quarter comeback against a half-interested Spurs bench, and were slaughtered with unsettling ease in the second half. In short, it was a game that demonstrates just how far we are from competing with the true elite in the NBA.

The drama that is Doc's rotations continued, with Perk inexplicably sitting, Gomes getting early minutes, and Dickau playing more quality minutes than than an ineffective Delonte West. Of course, Scalaburine got minutes over Perk because he wears Daddy Danny's uniform number, and unsuprisingly he put in his usual pitch for CelticsDoom Worst Celtic of the Game. Will he win it again? Read on to find out!

In other player related news, if Delonte came crashing to Earth with comatose D and a 4-12, then Blount crashed straight though to the planet's core and spent time with the evil Magma men as he checked in with the most ineffective 16 minutes anyone not named Scalabrine has had in the NBA this year. And perhaps the most important player development tonight was the season's first official sighting of Evil Pierce, who in the 3rd quarter showed up pouting, complaining to the refs and hogging the ball. Welcome back Evil Pierce! It's been awhile.

Player of the Game - Tim Duncan. He came to work, punched in, and recorded the easiest 29/12 night of his career against a succession of Celtic pussies named Blount, Raef and Urine-brine.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Tough call, there were so many nominees: Delonte West who was torched all night by Tony Longoria-Parker, Mark Blount for registering a classic 3/1 game, Brian Scalabrine for general suckitude. But no, tonight the booby prize goes to Ricky Davis for what I would say was his worst game as a Celtic. 5-17, 3 turnovers, just in general shitty game where nothing he did seemed right. No shame Ricky, you were hardly alone.

Quote of the Night - "Yeah, but he gave a real good upfake" - Tommy. Classic garbage time boosterism by our man Heinsohn, putting the positive spin on Delonte West blowing a shot from about 7 inches away from the basket. Way to go Tommy! Give yourself an eponymous point!

It Has Now Become Abundantly Clear - that the "quotes" FSN promo featuring Gerald Green breathily intoning that "a leader is a dealer in hope" and several other hugely uncomfortable "hope" quotes read by young Celtics players, is perhaps, the single worst thing I've ever seen on television.

Celtics 99 Memphis 98

2005-11-09T22:48:00.000-05:00

Wow. In a tough win that made you question whether or not Doc Rivers even watches the game as he coaches, the C's came through with a terrific final play using Pierce as a decoy to set up Ricky D for a buzzer beating game winner. Top-notch shit, truly, but while it was a gutty win and a fine example of Ricky's ability to hit the big-time shot, the game was also a troubling example of this team's chronic inconsistency.

To wit - a well played first quarter segued into a complete meltdown by the Dickau-led second unit, featuring an 18 point deficit and cruel taunting from the home crowd. There was a repeat of last game's strange scenario where Jefferson barely plays in the first half but is on the floor during crunch time. Gomes got some time, finally, and contributed with a sick behind the head tip off a Dickau shot that got deflected. Delonte was very active and now really looks like he thinks he belongs out there. Blount hit every shot he even thought of taking for the first 3 quarters, but he played 39 minutes and had ONE rebound.

The big lesson of the game seemed to be, "the bench just completely sucks." It's getting more and more obvious that if the 2nd unit is comprised of a bunch of dumb fucks who can't score or defend, then maybe we should have one of those dumb fucks play with the starters where he can't do as much harm, and have Ricky come off the bench. I don't know, it makes sense to me.

Player of the Game - Paul Pierce. On a night when he passed the scoring record held by his most fervent apologist, Tommy Heinsohn, Pierce had his best shooting night in a long, long time. Yes, Ricky hit the game winner, but we never would have been there if Pierce hadn't hit two huge shots (in a row) down the stretch, including a nice fallaway with Battier right in his face. He also had 8 assists, 7 rebounds and 1 turnover. Beautiful.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Brian Scalaburine. The award is about to be named for this useless asshole. Truly, do you really need the reasons? The key turnover in the 4th, the routine turnover in the 2nd, the literal matador defense in the 2nd, the inability to rebound or defend? How can someone play 10 minutes and piss me off this much? Five years, everyone, five years.

Quote of the Night - "Also I'm going to do some community work also" - Robert Parish. In a typical incoherent Dickerson interview, the Chief half-heartedly tried to explain why he's been gifted with a pity-job from old pal Danny. Who among us wasn't thinking after the interview that maybe a better job for the Chief would be "sideline reporter for FSN"?

It has now become abundantly clear - that Pau Gasol has the best look in the NBA. It's a little "Pontius Pilate in a community college production of Godspell" mixed with "Die Hard IV villain" mixed with "convicted French serial-rapist." Not since Cherokee Parks has a white guy so entertainingly embodied all that David Stern fears.

Paul “The Choke” Pierce

2005-11-07T12:03:00.000-05:00

The Celtics cannot finish.

Conclusions based on only three games are often faulty unless part of a trend going back a season or two. While players have come and gone, roles have changed and actual plays have been called, the 2005-06 Celtics have reaffirmed a major problem they had last year. Finishing.

Last year, Doc’s only go-to play was to isolate Pierce at the top of the key resulting in one of three things, (1) a turnover, (2) a missed shot, or (3) a winning hoop. All too often, Pierce would try to dribble through multiple defenders while the remainder of the team watched him. Sometimes he would get fouled, only to miss big free throws.

At least this year we seem to actually be running plays, but the result to date is the same. Get the ball to Pierce and watch him fuck up. Do you realize that Pierce has hit only 1 shot the past three games under 4 minutes to go in the fourth (including the two overtimes). He has more turnovers (3) in that span than shots made. This is the fucking guy some jackoffs call "Mr. Fourth Quarter?" He has missed a mind-numbing FIVE free throws during that span.

Look at these numbers from our "All-Star." Again, this is the last four minutes of the fourth, including overtime.

Cha
0-4 shooting
2-2 Free Throws
1 Turnover
Det
0-1 Shooting
3-6 Free Throws
NY
1-4 Shooting
4-6 Free Throws
2 Turnovers

Overall, The Choke is 1-9 shooting, 11%, the only bucket being a layup created by a nice pass from West. He is shooting 64% from the line during crunch time.

Get the ball out of his hands at the end of the game, Doc, you’re hurting his trade value.

Game Three - Bobcats make bitches of us all

2005-11-05T23:16:00.000-05:00

Ugly ugly ugly. A true blown opportunity. The Celtics played like bored aristocrats in the first half and then imploded in the last few minutes of the fourth quarter when the Bobcats suddenly got serious. Pierce was initially treated like King Farouk by the officials, had a stellar third quarter and then couldn't get shit accomplished from the 4th quarter on. I'm no mathematician, but I'm thinking the key stat of the game was our 1 field goal in the last 9 minutes.

The defensive intensity that marked the Pistons game was entirely lost - I suppose this could be fatigue, but the team doesn't seem to have much of a killer instinct (sound familiar?) Several potential winning shots were blown by Pierce, Ricky and Delonte, and as much as I want to bitch about it, they were all good shots, they just choked. It was just a fucked up night and a bad loss. I could sum it all up by relating the fact that the most important offensive possession of the overtime boiled down to Scalaburine driving wildly to the basket while Delonte, Pierce and Ricky looked on.

On the personnel soap-opera side of things, the game was marked by the dramatic rebirth of Dan "Trade Me Please" Dickau who finally got some minutes and looked every bit the mediocre career back-up he is. Al "The Big Out-of Shape" Jefferson was benched the entire first half and came in for a Blount-ian 12 point/4 rebound effort in the second half. Gomes was yet again bagged in favor of Reed. Scalabrine seems to be slipping behind Perk on the depth chart, but who the fuck knows. Blount came down to Earth but at least played like he cared.

Player of the Game - Melvin Ely. For two reasons - 1) he got to the line 12 times which pissed Tommy off to no end. 2) He has the name and look of a classic "wrongly accused gang member" extra on Law and Order.

Worst Celtic of the Game - hmmmmmmmm. Really, have to think about this. Oh what the fuck - Paul Pierce! You can't blow that many open shots during key moments of the game and not get a bitch slap from CelticsDoom. In all fairness though, it really should be shared with Scalabrine who is definitely the white-Waltah and the single worst player in the eastern conference.

Quote of the night - "and here comes a great defensive play by Mark Blount..." Tommy's introduction to a replay clip of Brevin Knight banking a three pointer in Blount's face. Truly, a classic Tommy moment, a definite nominee for Quote of the Year.

It Has Now Become Abundantly Clear - that the gal in those Lincoln Mercury advertisements is on the short-list to become the future Mrs. Chestnutt. Wow.

Game Won

2005-11-02T23:32:00.000-05:00

Very nice way to begin the season. The Celtics essentially played rope-a-dope for the entire regulation and then torched the confused and vastly unlikeable Knicks in overtime. Pierce had a great first half and (outside of some iffy judgements on his drives) seemed willing and able to run the break and pass the ball. Unfortunately he had no confidence (or legs) in his shot in the fourth quarter, blowing an easy 10 footer and clanking some key free throws. Still, he rebounded like a man, didn't scowl too much, and his rebirth continues apace.

Ricky D was devasting in the OT and finished with an efficient 27. More Cunt (that's "Mark Blount" to those who think I don't know players names) made up for having zero rebounds in the first half by sinking some key free throws and hitting a big shot late in the fourth quarter. Delonte West was the reincarnation of Lafayette Lever with a gaudy 14/9/9 line.

Of course, there were some Bad Things. Big Al still has no touch around the rim and got in quick foul trouble. The second unit in general was a trainwreck, and it is readily apparent to all but Doc Rivers that they need Ricky to enter the game around minute 5 and play through until Pierce returns in the 2nd quarter. Come on Doc, start Gomes, what the fuck...

Overall though, they played much better than I expected and did some surprising things like running fast breaks in the fourth quarter, rebounding, and moving the ball. Granted, the Knicks are an embarassment, but it was a great start for the Green.

Player of the Game - Delonte West. We could make the argument for Ricky D, but the Herp played the game of his life at a point when our confidence in him was at its lowest. Great defense and constantly active. Still, he's not a point guard.

Worst Celtic of the Game - Brian Scalabrine, who should eventually challenge Marcus Banks and Waltah for all-time ownership of this award. Need I remind everyone that he's signed for five years?

Quote of the Night - "The movie is called Saw 2!" Greg Dickerson excitedly plugging the newest slasher-flick by Celtics quasi-celebrity super-fan Donnie Wahlberg. The absolute lack of dignity for all involved made me choke with laughter.

And lastly, our exciting new feature called "It has now become abundantly clear" - that the whole "Tommy Points" thing has jumped the shark. That intrusive new graphic is grotesque and unnecessary, and the whole idea of a man naming an award for exceptional hustle after himself grows less and less cute every year. When Heinsohn dies I imagine some wit will suggest his epitath read "Now that's a Tommy Point!" and that will be the next and only time it will be cool to mention it.

Crystal Balls

2005-11-02T11:06:00.000-05:00

Anyway, sorry about the delay, but here’s our final pre-season Up and Down readings and a prediction for the season.

UPS

Orien Greene – no climbed higher or faster this training camp than this most unlikely of second round success stories. While the dude looks exactly like a genetic mix of Adrien Griffen and Rob Horry, his game resembles Eric Snow mixed with a semi-talented college player who grew up idolizing Jason Kidd. Unusually poised for a rookie, he seems at home eschewing his own offense and distributing the ball to more talented players, something Marcus Banks never could get a handle on. Unfortunately, his rocketing success seems to speak more to the lack of talent (and failure of others) we have at the point, than to any kind of epochal 2nd round steal.

Paul Pierce – the true story of the pre-season was the return of Happy Paul, a player who hasn’t worn #34 in a long, long time. The Up and Down Meter does not predict, it only reveals things as they are at the moment, so it would be distasteful of me to admit that I think Evil Pierce will return once the games count for real, and that I hope he’s gone by January if we’re struggling. Nonetheless, it was nice to watch this guy play these pointless games and remember what it was like back in 2000 when he was the anti-Toine and could do no wrong. Just please, Danny, get more than Nene for him.

Ryan Gomes – alright, I relent, I have grown to like my homeboy from the ‘bury and might even grudgingly agree he was kind of a steal in the 2nd round. Kind of. He’s still undersized, but goddammit he can rebound and he’s smart and tough – think of him as the anti-Blount. There is no reason this guy shouldn’t get close to 20 minutes a game.

Ricky Davis – the greatest single turnaround of a player’s reputation since Mase found God. Seriously, could you have ever predicted that Ricky D would come into a Celtics camp, have a mediocre pre-season, and still be regarded as the only veteran player on the team you’d be upset to see traded? Unbelievable. Needs to go back to the bench though, and let Gomes start.

Kendrick Perkins – here is where we start to see darkness. Kendrick had a terrific pre-season up until the point where his minutes were unfairly taken away in favor of Scalaburine, who to that point had under-whelmed. This is serious shit or get off the pot time for Doc Rivers – if a guy like Perk comes into camp in great shape, does nothing wrong on the court, and earns his minutes, then how can you be taken seriously as a coach when you take him off the floor in favor of a soft cracker who can’t rebound? If we want to develop our players, we need to show them that PLAYING WELL EARNS YOU MINUTES.

Sorry, anyway, now the DOWNS.

Raef – minor Down, really should be neither up nor down, but that makes it automatically a Down when you look at his salary. Also, with him and Blount we have the softest starting front line in the history of the NBA.

Delonte West – hurt his stock with a mediocre pre-season that exposed his complete inability to handle pressure, penetrate or get the team into its offense with more than 8 seconds left on the clock. I’m not expert, but these things are generally important for NBA point guards. He hustles and does all the little things, blah blah blah, but he’s a career back up shooting guard and the more he struggles at the point, the more we struggle as a team.

Al Jefferson – What the fuck? Did Antoine’s “tutelage” complete destroy this guy’s instincts on offense? He’s getting his shots, sure, but he’s not hitting them. Sound familiar? Also, he can’t stay on the floor, which used to be Perk’s great shortcoming. Big Al has the look of a guy who thinks he’s already there, as opposed to needing to work to get there. Or maybe he’s just working back from an injury and we’re being typically unfair. Either way, get yr ass back in gear!

Brian Scalabrine – Five year guaranteed deal for this stiff. Also, his blog sucks, and I’m tired of seeing all of the other Celtics blogs out there link to it like he has anything worth reading. This guy is a typically annoying white dude who plays handball at the gym like the fate of the free world hangs in the balance, yet only wins about half the time. A walking advertisement to the power of positive thinking, and to the idea that talking a lot on the court can be mistaken for “activity.” Danny might have the worst free-agent instincts of all time. Sorry, sorry sorry, what I meant to say is I’m sure Brian will “help” in lots of ways we don’t see.

Dan Dickau – This guy has the dazed look of someone who went home to feed the cats and found his wife in bed fucking Orien Greene. Another classic Danny acquisition we’ll never see play – think Jermaine Jones and Yogi Stewart. Think Gerald Green (hahahaha, just kidding).

Mark Blount – alright, everyone, take a deep breath and think about the ocean for two seconds. Now you are ready for the truth – Mark Blount sucks. Please remember, he had a similarly decent pre-season last year (no rebounds, high shooting percentage). But he’s soft, can’t rebound, and can’t play defense if it doesn’t involve Jim O’Brien’s Rube Goldberg-ian constructs. In general, he’s completely ineffective unless his stupid 15 footer is falling. Fuck this asshole. Fuck everyone who keeps saying he’s “reborn.”

Gerald Green – good lord, this dude has a long way to go. He’s got a nice jumpshot, but he seems to have a complete absence of basketball instincts to go with it. I can see him being an okay player someday (and probably a good pick at #18), but all this talk about the next McGrady seems to be a testament to his handler’s ability to generate buzz for their client. Even the Kool Aid drinkers seem to have noticed these things.

Justin Reed – an uncomfortable mess of a player. Superior defensive instincts, yet cannot touch the ball without trying to shoot it. This guy in some ways is the most overrated player on the team, but he seems to have slipped permanently behind Gomes on Doc’s depth chart. We need one of them, not two.

Tony Allen – poor bastard, even if he stays out of jail and rehabs from his knee, it’s still hard to see where he’s going to fit in on this team. He’s a victim of the Ricky/Pierce (haha, I wish we had Ricky Pierce) logjam, and now with Gomes providing no reason to be taken off the court for spare minutes at the 3, I just don’t think TA is in anyone’s plans at the moment. Life lesson for us all – don’t tell your friends to shoot people when the cameras are rolling.

Marcus Banks – the single most precipitous fall of an NBA player not involving off-the-court bad behavior. This guy was supposed to be our future starting point guard, and has systematically alienated every supporter he has in the organization because of his shitty attitude and low basketball IQ. It’s strange, because he’s obviously a pretty bright dude, but now he’s fucked – broken shin, last on the depth chart, not given even the token 4th year guarantee. Someone’ll take a chance on him, and as I’ve always believed, he can excel on a bad team, but we’ve probably seen the last of Marcus Banks as a member of the Boston Celtics.

Season Prediction

The Celtics will pay lip-service to the idea of developing the rooks, but Doc wants to win and will rely primarily on his veterans. We will lose more than we win, and eventually Danny’s hand will be forced – either trade some of these young players for an established veteran point-guard who can “win now” with our core group, or trade Pierce and finally scrap the old guard completely. I think either scenario is entirely likely, although my gut says Wyc and the boys would rather flog tickets for a team barely above .500 than a lottery bound group of “promising players” (only one of whom really seems to be all that promising).

In the end, however, our talent level is simply not high enough to overcome the lack of competent game-coaching and the improvement of almost every other team in the east. Stranded yet again in bubble-land Limbo, we go on a losing streak to end the season and fail to make the playoffs.

Final Record – 35-47.

Ricky Starts and Subs

2005-10-26T09:51:00.000-04:00

``One thing we have realized is it's important to try to keep Ricky or Paul on the floor at all times,'' said Rivers.

In a move that seems more reminiscent of playing NBA Live in simulation mode, last night Doc took Ricky out in the middle of the first (so he can replenish his endurance levels) so that he can substitute for Paul early in the second. I used to do the same thing with Eric Williams in NBA Live ’01 to give the second unit (Battie, Griffin, Cheaney, Barros) a little scoring.

I don’t recall this ever working in any other venue other than video games, but I like it. Ricky clearly seems more comfortable as the focus on offense, and he had his first solid game of the pre-season last night. While I would rather see him as the sixth man, this is the next best thing. He starts, gets into the flow of the game while we irrationally go to Morkunt the first five possessions, sits for a few, and comes out firing with the subs.

I have two questions, though: 1) How long will Doc’s “realization” last until he has a contradictory one, and 2) If Ricky is on fire to start the game, do you sit Paul so that he can be on the floor with the second unit?

I have a feeling two months from now I’m going to remember that Doc had a somewhat creative rotation toward the end of preseason that he never used again.

In other news, I don’t want to get a case of brandonhunteritis, but I’m really warming to Greene. I swear he has more poise than half the team, he doesn’t force it, he makes good decisions, plays good D, and most of all he passes first and shoots second (or never). I give Doc credit, to the extent that it continues, for benching the off-season acquisition for the guy playing better. A concept that MUST repeat with Scal/Perk.

Congratulations to Reed for giving Gomes a chance to show that he is the superior player, nice job with the shirt fuckhead, welcome to the land of 10-day contracts. A guy like Reed usually gets one chance, he’s had several. Doc was playing him out of position to get him time, with terrible results, and still he would have been the first 3 off the bench. Fuck off.

Did Perk fuck Doc’s wife? I understand that he doesn’t want AJ and Perk on the floor at the same time, but this is the time to do it. The guy has done everything asked of him this preseason, but he sits for entire halves. I know he gets into foul trouble, like AJ, but that will not improve while he’s sitting on his ass.

Today’s Down: Dickau; you’ve just been passed on the depth chart by a nobody.

Today’s Up: Greene; impressing a little more every game.

Preseason Game 5 - turns out we are worse than Crap-tors

2005-10-21T22:32:00.000-04:00

An ugly, jagged game that at times seemed reminiscent more of the summer leagues than the halfway point of the exhibition season. The second unit once again disintigrated and couldn't buy a basket against an inferior batch of Craptors. In a battle of draft-slippers, Joey Graham looked nasty, Gerald Geen looked dopey. At least UConn alumni got to see something they had never seen before - a guy with the name "Villeneuva" on his jersey who actually looked like he was playing hard.

Nonetheless, Celtics fans gave a shit about one thing and one thing only - the return of Al Jefferson.

Big Al was, in a word, rusty. He missed a couple easy shots and looked a bit low on energy. After the game he bitched about having to tape his ankles. Whatever. He's back and he'll get better, but I get the impression that only an injury is going to let him crack the starting lineup before December.

We now go to the official CelticsDoom "up and down meter" to tell the rest of the story:

UP - Dan Dickau. The point situation is still a matter of "which one is the least bad?" but ole' Dickface turned in a decent performance, knocking down jumpers like he used to do when he played for other teams that paid him less. His improvement at the point could well be because he was actually playing shooting guard for most of the game. Orien Greene was solid, but I have to think that Dickau is in the lead for the backup spot if for no other reason than to keep Danny from looking like a complete fool.

DOWN - Justin Reed. This guy is too wired or too eager or something. He's forces everything on offense and seems destined for permanent 11th man status. He didn't get into the game until the 3rd quarter, so goodbye chance-at-starting-job. You watch him play and you just want to shake him and say, "don't be so weird." Could redeem himself, however - we feel all hope is not lost.

UP - Paul Pierce. Those passes to Raef, my God, it was as if he read CelticsDoom all summer and decided to make us look like bigger losers than we already are. Maybe the key is to play him 29 minutes and tell him the game doesn't count. Seems to keep the Captain on an even keel.

DOWN - Mark Blount. Turns out it DOES rhyme with "cunt." Given his supposed love of fine wine and cigars, I now feel obliged to call him "the cuntinental."

Tomorrow night - the Celtics invade our home turf with a "home" game against the Nets at the local casino. This is likely to be attended by dozens and dozens of comped drunks and busted out slot jockeys. Look for our banners EVERYWHERE.

Pre-Season Game 4 - Bulls destroy hapless Celtic reserves

2005-10-20T11:12:00.000-04:00

Some quick thoughts after being destroyed again by the Bulls…

Point Guard - Delonte went a long way last night towards initiating a trade for a real point guard. I like the Herp, but his continued inability to handle any sort of pressure defense is inexcusable. It’s too bad, he does a lot of good things, but being a starting NBA point guard is not one of them. As for Dickau, it’s getting embarrassing.

Reed/Gomes – we only need one of these guys. My vote is for Gomes, simply because he can rebound and Reed handles his duties on offense with all the finesse of a fat guy having a heart attack while playing handball at the local gym. He’s been taking notes on offense, apparently, from his buddy Evil-Pierce. Good-Pierce needs to teach him to stick to defense.

Center – Blount had his first legitimately good game, but he still provides what you want from a back-up, not a starter. He got rebounds last night, but the numbers don’t tell the story. If I want to put out a tough group of guys that have a nose from the ball, he doesn’t make it, not even on this sorry squad. Right now Gomes, Kendrick and Pierce are the only guys making my all-rebounding team. Believe me, Blount will do far more harm than good before it’s all said and done.

Scrubaurine – behind Walter, the second worst player in the NBA. Greg Dickerson openly mocked him during a half-time interview, which is certainly an example of the old “I may be a failure but not as big a failure as you” game. Humiliating.

In short, we’ve got a lot of shit on this team and very little that makes me think we couldn’t cut half the team and barely notice the difference. As of today, these are the CelticsDoom heroes and villains:

Good list
Ricky, Kendrick, Pierce, Gomes

Shit list
Scalabrine, Dickau, Blount

Everyone else has crabs.

How about a three-some?

2005-10-15T23:37:00.000-04:00

After three pre-season games I thought it'd be interesting to discuss some of the good and bad things we've all seen so far...

Three Reasons for Optimism

1) Paul Pierce - Celticsdoom's #3 whipping boy (after Marcus and Waltah) has looked, sounded and played like a different dude. He's not pressing, his shot is falling, and he's routinely looked like the best Celtic on the floor, something that was often not the case last season. He can't and won't do it alone, but it's nice to see him resembling the pre-Ainge era Pierce we loved instead of the sulky, turnover prone jerk he's evolved into since.

2) Kendrick Perkins - our #1 big man, and the most fun Celtic to watch. He's playing as well as he did during his breakout week last season (before he turned into a technical foul machine and got lost behind Toine), providing rebounding, toughness and shot blocking. In other words, everything Mark Blount is not. Unfortunately I foresee him and Al competing for minutes, rather than being on the floor together, but that's to be seen and right now I'm just happy this dude is kicking ass.

3) Al Jefferson and Tony Allen - we've looked pretty much like total shit, but our number one inside presence and our best 2 guard reserve haven't played a minute yet. Gomes and Reed are solid, but they don't have that explosiveness that TA can (and sometimes does) provide. Al Jefferson will send Blount to the bench and hopefully toughen up the starting front court which right now is best defined by the phrase, "they sit when they pee."

Three Reasons To Worry

1) Point Guard Play - It's been brutal, unwatchable, and humiliating. Dickau has been eaten alive (the Heinrich humiliation was particularly unsettling), D-Herpes has been great except for the fact that he can't penetrate or get the ball past half-court under pressure, and neither Bynum nor Greene have proven to be anything beyond iffy. If this were a truly fair process Marcus Banks would be starting (assuming his injury is minor), which is a terrifying prospect to anyone who cares about team offense.

2) Running Game? - no talk of it this year. I guess now we're not a embracing the style of play that was supposedly the goal of "the vision." Remember? Sacramento Kings Jr? Old-time Celtics basketball, etc, etc. What the fuck are we then exactly? Is being a mediocre half-court team who can't play defense the compromise between Ainge's vision and Wyc's (un)willingness to pay for it?

3) Blount's "renaissance" - Blount has been scoring in bunches and earning tons of praise from Mike and Tommy, but all I see is a soft-headed career back-up who can't rebound or defend stronger post players, and is going to be taking minutes away from Perk and Big Al. Unlike Perk, who makes things happen, Blount makes everyone around him seem tired. If they weren't under contract, he and Scalaburine should be cut.

Why is he still here?

2005-10-14T12:31:00.000-04:00

In case you missed it, Celtsblog had another brush with greatness yesterday with a shout out from one of the best basketball writers out there today. In another example of his never ending pursuit of self-promotion, Jeff wrote to Chad Ford of ESPN, basically asking for two things, (1) daddy’s love, and (2) a new angle on the Celts.

I have empathy for Jeff and his lack of original ideas during a slow off-season and the start of semi-meaningless games. Fortunately for CelticsDoom, we have Jeff. Responding to the everyday irrationality of the typical Celtsblog author (other than Kahn, who is terrific) and poster gives us much fodder for contrary opinion. I actually enjoy the friendly banter I have with most KoolAid drinkers, and for the record; I do congratulate Jeff on his obvious success. I know my sarcasm and style rub him and others the wrong way, but I never intend to hurt anyone’s feelings. My mockery is meant in good fun. If you are reading this, Jeff, and I know you are, this is the closest I get to sincerity. With that out of the way, back to being a dick.

Here’s some free advice, Jeff; find someone more idiotic then you (if such person exists), and make fun of them all day. Columns just flow.

On to the exchange with Mr. Ford, which was accurately parodied by the perceptive Willie. His new angle on the Celtics is, get this, trading Pierce! Holy shit, I can’t believe no one has thought of that before. Since Jeff’s response gave us absolutely nothing he hasn’t said before, including fellating the owner, I thought I would take a stab at the question.

Why hasn’t Danny traded Pierce? It seems counter intuitive to his vision, his ego (Pierce isn’t a DA pick or signee, the only remaining holdout from the Wallace era), and his Mormon desire for a more professional team. He’s a mouthy impediment to Danny’s complete dictatorial control of the team. So why hasn’t it happened?

I reject the notion that Danny is requiring an All-Star in return. Rarely do disenchanted Paul-Stars get traded for non-disenchanted All-Stars, a point Pierce butt-fuckers make constantly. Pierce’s trade value is indeed low, but anyone who expects that a few months of Mr. Smiley will make GM’s forget about his fucking attitude the last several years is naïve at best, a douchbag at worst.

In terms of being the ‘star’ attraction, if the team doesn’t win, people do not show. This is so fucking simple to understand. Most right-thing Celtic fans have low expectations with Pierce. When last year’s team failed with him, ownership had to bring in a fat, three-point shooting PF to fill a few more seats in an increasingly empty arena. Trading Pierce would barely cause a ripple in Boston. In terms of the youth movement, Pierce has been banged more times down low under the age of 28 than Jenna Jamison. Sooner or later, Pierce’s ‘get to the line’ strategy will have an effect on his body.

So what’s the reason? I just think the right deal hasn’t panned out.

The most rumored deal with the Clippers makes a lot of sense, one that I would embrace. However, how does obtaining Magette help the 2/3 logjam? Ricky is being groomed to take over the team (God help us), Allen is still an athletic prospect, DA/Doc love the Reed/Gomes intangibles, and most basketball observers consider Green the real deal. They all come at a low or reasonable price, and Danny loves roster flexibility. Taking on a younger Pierce may not fit the plan (provided there is one).

I believe a proven big man/point guard combo will get the job done, especially if we can rid ourselves from the Blount debacle. A capable low post presence will improve a thin front line, allow Danny favorite West to move to his more natural position, and start the DA era in earnest. Keep an eye on Nene, a monster who for whatever reason can’t board. He will be given the opportunity to impress, as Denver wants to showcase him. If he plays well, look for renewed interest in one of the many Denver trade incarnations.

Pierce is being shopped, it won’t take an All-Star to move him, just the right deal.

Celtics vs. Cavs - Pre-Season game 1

2005-10-12T10:23:00.000-04:00

First game of the preseason = who gives a fuck. However, here’s some initial reactions…

Pierce – if we have this same Paul Pierce playing for us in the 4th quarter during tight games in February, then not trading him will have been a genius move. He more relaxed and fluid than he has in years. Most importantly, his shot was falling. My guess, he reverts to evil-Pierce by the 5th game of the preseason.

Perkins – Kendrick kicked fucking ass. I’m already getting pissed off at the fact that that fuckhead Mark Blount and pointless Veal Scalaurine will be soaking up minutes that should be going to our man KP. Him and Al on the floor together should be interesting.

Reed – career 8th man, no doubt, but he likes playing defense and that makes him unique to this squad. Terrible looking shot. Not the pocket-Artest some would have us believe, but he might be something like a more athletic Adrian Griffen.

Ricky – Solid, nothing to worry about. The performance of the 2nd unit, however, guarantees his eventual return to the bench.

Banks – buried by Doc but came out and looked like the only player on the 2nd unit who had a clue. I don’t think he made a single pass (he had 2 assists so he must have), but at very least he’s not obeying Doc’s wish to stink up the floor and justify his trade/burial.

Delonte – Decent, forced a couple things but overall looked solid. I can’t imagine D-Herpes would be starting on any decent team, but he’s alright for now. (And I promise, right now, to never use the word “scrappy” when describing him)

Dickau – ehh.

Gomes – our Waterbury homeboy looked decent, but this talk of him competing for a starting spot seems gross hyperbole based on last night.

Raef – You know, whatever.

Gerald Green – has a nice smile.

Orien Greene – The look of a guy who in 5 years will be referred to as “the well traveled Orien Greene.”

Blount – Fuck this asshole. He’s not as bad as last year, so that makes him the Mark Blount of 2001 – the one who was traded for Shammond Williams and got 12 minutes a game as a back up. That’s what he is. A fucking back up, albeit one who absorbs over 10% of the entire team payroll. One who still can’t rebound. Tommy promises he’ll be putting the ball on the floor more which is great news considering the fact that he has the worst hands in the NBA. Fuck him.

Borchardt – I’d rather this stiff was on the floor instead of Mark Blount.

Scalabrine – 5 years Danny? Jesus Christ.

Although the first unit started off the game looking like the 86-87 Lakers, reality quickly set in and we saw an offensively challenged 2nd unit disintegrate in front of what looked like 28 disgruntled LeBron James fans in the fine city of Pittsburgh. Poor Ricky is going to have to go back to the bench, and Big Al better get healthy soon. Overall they looked better than I was prepared for, but not good enough to make me think they’ll make the playoffs. Who knows, we’ll all have a better idea by the end of the month.

And lastly, Mike and Tommy still seemed a little distant following their on-air meltdown at the end of the Indiana series. Trust, guys, it's all about trust...